Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Choose Your Own Adventure: I-MOCKERY STYLE!

You hand Dix a crisp $10 bill and say, "There ya go Dix, that oughta cover my share of the gas money!" Dix gasps when he sees the money. "Dang! You must be one o' them rich folk like I seen on the tay-vay!" You laugh and point out a nearby Exxon station to Dix. "Hooooooooo wee! We're gettin us some FANCY NAME BRAND GAS-O-LEEN tonight, boy!"

"fancy" gas

Dix jumps out of the car like a giddy school girl and pays the attendant the full $10. He fills up the car with premium gas as he whistles the theme song to Deliverance. All of a sudden, an oil soaked duck lands on the hood of the car and stares directly at you. Even Dix appears to be shocked by this.

"Hello there." says the duck as oil drips all over the car.

Dix nearly has a heart attack as he runs off into the hills screaming something about "they've come back for me!" You're just completely confused at the moment, but notice that he left his wallet in the car and decide to take a peek. "Captain Hazelwood" is what it reads. HOLY SHIT! His name wasn't Dix at all! He's Captain Hazelwood, the guy who crashed the Exxon Valdez causing that horrible oil spill! He must have been trying to hide his true identity all this time!

You look up at the duck and it scowls down at you with all the oil-dripping fury that it can muster. You didn't even know a duck could scowl... then again, you didn't know a duck could talk either. Soon more and more ducks land on the car, oil dripping everywhere. Then the leader duck speaks...

"You were in the company of Hazelwood and here you are buying Exxon gas. We, the United Ducks of America sentence you to death!"


Before you can even plead with the angry duck, it lights a match which sets all the oil that has been dripping on the car ablaze. You are instantly consumed by the flames as you hear the ducks cackle... er... "quackle" over your gruesome demise.



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