Dix looks up at you
expectantly, as his hands drop to his pants and furiously work to
unfasten his belt buckle. You look over in terror and see that his
tongue is sticking out the corner of his mouth like he's getting a sick
kick out of watching you squirm.
Wait a minute!! SQUIRM! Yes, that's it! If he wants to watch you squirm,
you'll give him plenty of squirming! And twitching and flailing and
choking and robot dancing because it's time to fake another epileptic
seizure, you realize! Just like you always used to do! Like that time
that you were terrified of failing the scoliosis examination in school
because you hadn't studied, and Coach Hamfist was spending an awful lot
of time probing your lower, LOWER back.
Summoning all your acting ability from your erstwhile school days, you
begin flopping and twitching like a fish out of water in the passenger
seat of the car. "Man alive!" exclaims Dix, "you've got the DEVIL in you
something fierce!" as he reaches underneath him to grab his wallet.
After shoving the wallet, which you are convinced is covered in layers
of ass sweat, into your open, drooling mouth, Dix swerves the car over
to the side of the road.
Running around to pull you out of the passenger side of the vehicle, Dix
reassures you that it's going to be okay. "Don't you worry none, just
cuz I'm a homeopath don't mean I don't know a few things about God! If I
know one thing, it's when the devil's in ya, you've gots to beat him
out!" Reaching into the back seat of the car, Dix produces a heavily
Your eyes widen with delayed realization as Dix rears back to take a
swing directly at your head. "I've saved a plenty from the Devil's
seductive embrace, and I'm a gonna save you too!" Employing lightning
quick reflexes that only years of video gaming can cultivate, you scoop
up a handful of dirt, roll, twirl, and toss it directly into his eyes in
one fluid motion, easily dodging his clumsy swing.
You don't bother looking back as you sprint away from the homeopathic
madman. You hear him screaming and cursing as you dive over the nearest
hill to hide. He must not have seen where you went with the dirt in his
eyes, because after only a few minutes of stumbling around and shouting
out for you, he gives up and drives off.
You can't believe you managed to get away from that madman! And you
still have his wallet as an added bonus! What a story you'll have to
tell the grandkids someday, and your treasure map journey has only just
begun! You're so excited about getting away from Dix that you haven't
even noticed the tremendous shadow covering the ground around you. You
slowly begin to see it and think "That's strange, there's not supposed
to be an eclipse today."
You look up at the sky just in time to notice the GIGANTIC FUCKING
METEOR as it crashes directly on top of you, crushing you dead on the
YOUR PERFORMANCE HAS BEEN METEORCRE. GET IT? EH? EH?
JUST START OVER!