Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
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Choose Your Own Adventure: I-MOCKERY STYLE!

Dix looks up at you expectantly, as his hands drop to his pants and furiously work to unfasten his belt buckle. You look over in terror and see that his tongue is sticking out the corner of his mouth like he's getting a sick kick out of watching you squirm.

Wait a minute!! SQUIRM! Yes, that's it! If he wants to watch you squirm, you'll give him plenty of squirming! And twitching and flailing and choking and robot dancing because it's time to fake another epileptic seizure, you realize! Just like you always used to do! Like that time that you were terrified of failing the scoliosis examination in school because you hadn't studied, and Coach Hamfist was spending an awful lot of time probing your lower, LOWER back.

Summoning all your acting ability from your erstwhile school days, you begin flopping and twitching like a fish out of water in the passenger seat of the car. "Man alive!" exclaims Dix, "you've got the DEVIL in you something fierce!" as he reaches underneath him to grab his wallet. After shoving the wallet, which you are convinced is covered in layers of ass sweat, into your open, drooling mouth, Dix swerves the car over to the side of the road.

Running around to pull you out of the passenger side of the vehicle, Dix reassures you that it's going to be okay. "Don't you worry none, just cuz I'm a homeopath don't mean I don't know a few things about God! If I know one thing, it's when the devil's in ya, you've gots to beat him out!" Reaching into the back seat of the car, Dix produces a heavily worn two-by-four.

Your eyes widen with delayed realization as Dix rears back to take a swing directly at your head. "I've saved a plenty from the Devil's seductive embrace, and I'm a gonna save you too!" Employing lightning quick reflexes that only years of video gaming can cultivate, you scoop up a handful of dirt, roll, twirl, and toss it directly into his eyes in one fluid motion, easily dodging his clumsy swing.

You don't bother looking back as you sprint away from the homeopathic madman. You hear him screaming and cursing as you dive over the nearest hill to hide. He must not have seen where you went with the dirt in his eyes, because after only a few minutes of stumbling around and shouting out for you, he gives up and drives off.

You can't believe you managed to get away from that madman! And you still have his wallet as an added bonus! What a story you'll have to tell the grandkids someday, and your treasure map journey has only just begun! You're so excited about getting away from Dix that you haven't even noticed the tremendous shadow covering the ground around you. You slowly begin to see it and think "That's strange, there's not supposed to be an eclipse today."

You look up at the sky just in time to notice the GIGANTIC FUCKING METEOR as it crashes directly on top of you, crushing you dead on the spot.

Maybe you survived. And maybe McDonald's is healthy food too.



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