You follow Ralph Malph into the ladies room, as Arnold has strict policy of refusing urinals to the dickless. You want to say you're sorry, but Malph is on a cell phone and it would be rude to interrupt.

‘Wait a sec, now,' you think, ‘Cell pone? But this is the 1950's! No, wait, it's the 1970's and this is show about the 1950's… no, no wait, this is 2003 and it's a lunchbox induced hallucination about a 1970's show set in the 1950's…' your head is starting to hurt.

"Listen to me Marshall, they can't can me from the show just because I won't name names! Lucy didn't name names and she didn't get blacklisted!" Malph husks hysterically into the phone.

‘but, but, blacklisted?' your fatigued brain rails, ‘how can you complain about being blacklisted on a cellphone that hasn't even been invented yet? And why does everything smell like an old bologna sandwich?"

"You want me to do quiet you gotta do better!" yells Malph, the back of his neck going splotchy red. "A voiceover for ‘Dungeons and Dragons, the Animated Series'?! WHAT are you SHITTING ME, here?! Maybe POTSY would fuck off for elf voice over, but I'm RALPH FUCKING MALPH!!"

Dungeons and Dragons but that's the 80's! Now there's blood running down out your nose and all you can think about is the time your mom put coke in your thermos the day after she put chicken noodle soup in it but didn't wash it out first and there were fat globules floating in your coke!

"Look, I want a part in the spinoff, "Joanie Loves Fisting" or whatever the-... Chachi? CHACHI? CHACHI GETS THE SPINOFF?!? Listen to me, now listen! Erin Moran thinks everyone on this show molested her, including Mrs. C. It's only a matter of time till she goes public. That's a free tip. Make it ‘Chachi loves Ralph" and you'll never need to worry about it!"

Multiple Molestations? That's so early 90's! And a gay sitcom?! That didn't happen till "Will and Grace"! One of your eyeballs pops and you double over screaming. Malph doesn't notice... and why would he? You're being torn to atoms by the Chronal slipstream! And you never even had time to get Mr. Miyagi to make you an Arnold burger.

START OVER, DORKO SAN!