You open the Waltons lunchbox and...

...find yourself in a farm somewhere in Virginia. You even consider hanging out here for a little while if this whole clue-finding business doesn’t go through. As you’re surveying this bucolic landscape, "John Boy" Walton comes up to greet you.

"Nice to meet you, stranger. What brings you to this here farm?"

You explain to the simple hillbilly that you’re looking for a piece of a map.

"Sorry, we ain’t got none o’ that ‘round here." He continues, "wish I could help you out, stranger, but I’m a’headin’ off to college in the big city, but I’ll betcha that pa would like an extra hand to help out whiles I’m gone."

Before you can object, Walton Senior appears behind John Boy. Judging by his tense grip on his pitchfork, he doesn’t seem thrilled by the prospect.

"You can stay, stranger. I’ll be needin’ a fill-in for ol’ John Boy. After all, that there pig shit ain’t gonna clean itself."

Suddenly, the Waltons seem a lot less folksy. You try to make a break for it, but pa proves to be the faster. You are quickly enforked, and as you lie, bleeding like a stuck pig, you recall your father’s last words before he died: Never visit the south!

START OVER, BILLY BOB!