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"DROP THE NET, SCOOB!"
You shout, and thank Christ the really tall bearded yellow-eyed murderer
guy with the power-drill-battle-axe reflexively LOOKS UP!
Now arguably you should have told your friends to run before you took
off through the woods, but first of all you’re a huge coward, and
second, if you don’t know to run away from a guy with a
power-drill-battle-axe who just killed a priest right in front of you,
the big Lifeguard in The Sky wants you out of the gene pool anyway.
"Hey!" Fatty the fat kid yells fattly form behind you, proving my point,
"What are you running for? Now when Scooby gets him with the net,
we’ll-" then he makes a wet series of death sounds that no amount of
butterfly bandages and morphine will ever cure. Instants later his
disembodied yet still chubby head flies past you, followed by the
rippling mass of his fat girlfriend...
...who proves that a
good e of mortal terror makes even your huskier fat chicks run like
pros.
"YOU PLAYED WELL, BOY… s and girls!" Howls the huge bearded freak
behind you. "Now stop running so I can use extreme gravity to crush you
into dwarves and send you off as slaves to another dimension!"
"No WAY" shouts Dizzy Steve, "That’s from PHANTASM...
...and that would mean
you’d have a flying metal ball with a drill, not a power-drill-battle-OWWW!"
"Oh, right." Says Bearded Yellow eyes, transforming Dizzy Steve’s
midsection into a bloody bouillabaisse. "On the other hand, a dimwitted
stoner like you can barely walk and chew gum, let alone run for his life
and pontificate! Say, did I mention how much fun it was killing your
girlfriend?"
"I… th-thought she was… having… having… an… or…orgas…" says Dizzy Steve,
and with a final exhalation of gangsta stink and patchouli, he dies.
He murdered the stereotypical pot head pretty quickly, but it made
enough time for you, Nerd Guy, Nerd Science Girl, Chin Myu, Asian
Girlfriend, Mongoose, fat chick and tough chick to burst out of the
woods and onto the camp soccer field/baseball diamond/leeching field.
"WAIT!" Howls the killer from the woods "I have to kill you on account
of all your parents putting me in a furnace back when I was the Camp
janitor!"
"Dream on!" Shouts Tough Chick, whirling on him and drawing a really,
really huge gun out of her impossibly tight jeans.
"That’s from Nightmare
on Elm Street and unless Wes Craven’s directing you’d suck butt!"
"Uh, right, sure, but if you’ll hold up for a sec I can get some great
pictures for my photo essay and we can celebrate adultery and-"
"That’s ‘Bridges of Madison County’, you murderous fuck."...
...says Mongoose
pulling a big ass macho hunting knife. "You guys go get help. We’ll hold
off this yellow-eyed freak."
For a moment you think about how you thought you were supposed to be the
hero of this story. Then you think about how you haven’t seen your
non-descript yet to be named defacto girlfriend in several pages...
Then you:
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