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SELECT YOUR DESTINY BOOK #9 - HAUNTED MANSION MADNESS!

You'd think you were looking at a sweet old lady, were it not for her screaming obscenities. She continues to rant at the cashier as you notice some odd activity in her overcoat. As she yells, she opens the front of her coat, as if to flash the Milk Duds with her Snowballs. You see a small pair of hands dart out of the coat to grab candy by the fistful. As the candy disappears into the overcoat, you hear a disgusting combination of chewing and slurping even over the screaming old woman.

You take a step forward to ask just what's going on here, but the old woman jumps in before you can finish saying "what":

WHAAAAAAAT!?

"Don't you take another step near me! Dale and I are on a very important mission right now! He's gotta have his sweets!"

Closer now, you can see the small child concealed within her coat. His mouth is smeared with chocolate. His eyes are wide open as he grabs a bag of Skittles and dumps it into his mouth. You try to ask why he needs so much junk food, but the old woman stops you before you can curl your lips to make the "w" sound:

"Doctor says he's got the diabetes, says that makes him hyperglycemic. Know what that is? Means he's got to get a lot of sugar in him all the time, or he'll get all listless and moody!"

The old woman has a few things confused, but even she can recognize that he's started having a seizure. She starts panicking and babbling incoherently. You hear the cashier passing out, but there's no time to worry about him. You've seen this sort of thing before on Trapper John, MD! You ask the old women if she has any insulin, but she's too busy running through a long list of saints. Luckily, you spy an insulin pen sticking just out of her pocket. Time to be a hero, just like Dr. House! You grab the pen, scream "get me some more vicodin!", and stab the boy's thigh.

After a few moments, the boy's seizure subsides, and he relaxes. The old woman breathes a sigh of relief. She thanks you for you quick action:

"Oh, thank you, stranger! You saved my boy with that magic pen of yours! Here, I want you to have this. It's a magic air horn you can use to ward off monsters!"

And all this time you thought milk came from cows...

You take the breast pump from the old woman and thank her for it, trying not to imagine where this pump has been. She starts digging around for another "reward", but you've had enough. You grab a bottle of Hoo-Hoo and race back home.

What an ordeal. You hope this isn't a sign of things to come. Nevertheless, you're good for drinks now, time to think about how you're going to get to your great uncle's place.

Your best bet is to:

Reader Comments

Baron Von Snugglemittens
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
yes! I've missed these! great stuff!
With More Yes Than Ever
Oct 30th, 2009, 06:06 PM
I was hoping that we would be blessed with such awesomeness!
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:36 PM
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:37 PM
"Doctor says he's got the diabetes, says that makes him hyperglycemic. Know what that is? Means he's got to get a lot of sugar in him all the time, or he'll get all listless and moody!"
One of the best Destiny Books so far.
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:39 PM
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.

I'm still loving this. It doesn't need to make sense.
The Claw of Justice
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:28 PM
Just finished it...I haven't laughed this hard in a looooong time. Great work, guys!

Now I feel bad about my meat lips.
Funky Dynamite
Oct 30th, 2009, 10:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat View Post
If I sleep in the nude, why am I wearing the same clothes I "rolled out of bed with in the morning"?
Two words: birthday suit.

Quote:
Of course there's also the issue of why I have toiletries when I didn't pack.
Hammerspace
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:37 PM
Wait a second, when you go back to your room after killing that monster, is that ghost from the "A Christmas Carol" movie starring Albert Finney as Scrooge called "Scrooge"?
I think it was a musical. My family watches it every year.
"GET OVER HERE, YOU WEIRD LITTLE MAN!"
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 31st, 2009, 12:26 AM
Haven't had time to get through my entire adventure yet, but it is amazing. Great job guys.
Space Cowboy
Oct 31st, 2009, 07:47 AM
I would like to propose that the sentence "He flails wildly about as you punch him in the hump." is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Kudos to you guys.
King of the Monsters
Nov 1st, 2009, 01:14 AM
what? no choice that ends with you getting your nuts destroyed??? :P

kidding aside, awesome work.
Almighty Samfucius
Nov 1st, 2009, 11:56 PM
I really hate to be a wet blanket, but as an actual type 1 diabetic, I'd just like to point out that too much insulin is the cause of a diabetic seizure, not at all the solution. The solution to hypoglycemia (what causes a seizure) is more sugar, and the way to deal with a seizure in progress is to give the person a glucagon shot, which is quite distinctive from an insulin shot.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 2nd, 2009, 06:45 PM
You know that this story is supposed to be funny, full of teh jokes, and in no way educational or based on true events, right?
Funky Dynamite
Nov 3rd, 2009, 03:47 PM
I was just glad I could spell "diabetes" correctly after years of hearing those commercials with Wilford Brimley.
Forum Virgin
Nov 8th, 2009, 12:45 PM
so, is there a good ending? I think I went through all the choices and never saw one that I would think of as a happy ending for player.

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