If there's
one candy this year that lives up to the description on the package, it
would have to be the Abnormally LARGE Gummy Brain from Chef
Ghoulicious! We've already seen the Box of Boogers, and while they tasted
good, they just didn't look like boogers. This brain, however, does not
let you down in any way. Probably one of the largest, most disgusting
feeling gummy treats I've ever seen. It's a bit larger than your average
hamburger patty. Oh and then there's the smell. I hope you have some
strong air fresheners in your room, because if you don't, the
overpoweringly fruity smell of this brain will likely waft around your
home for quite some time. It comes in 2 flavors, Frontal Lobe Berry
(blueberry) and Wateronthebrain (watermelon). The flavor was a bit
too strong for me, and I definitely enjoyed the taste of their Boogers
better. Gee, that's something I never thought I'd find myself typing.
Anyway, this candy is all about the look and feel of it, not the flavor. I
give it high marks simply because of the reaction anybody has when you put
it in their hands. Any candy that can gross people out so easily clearly
has something special going for it.
out of 5 brains in jars of formaldehyde
Chef
Ghoulicious Can Of Worms!
After seeing
the grotesquely awesome Bag of Brains, I was excited to check out the next
Chef Ghoulicious treat - the Squirmallicious Gummy Earthworms. Now
most gummy worms you see in stores don't look all too realistic, but the
worms on this package sure look a hell of a lot better than your average
gummy worm. Sure they might not look like real worms, but they could at
least pass off as decent fishing tackle.
You can
imagine my disappointment when I actually opened the can and discovered
that the worms inside hardly looked like the ones on the cover. Sure, they
were covered in the sugary substance, which instantly detracts from their
look, but they were also much thicker than the thin, slimy worms depicted
on the outside of the can. On the plus side, they taste just as good as
the Chef Ghoulicious Box of Boogers, so at least you won't be disappointed
in the taste. Still, it's always nice to get exactly what you see on the
package art as opposed to something quite different. Chef Ghoulicious
would probably be doing themselves a favor if they made sure that either
a) all their candies looked exactly like the ones pictured on the
packaging or b) all their candies have cellophane packaging like
the Bag of Brains so you can see exactly what's inside before you
buy.
out of 5 hearses
Spooky
Spritzer!
Here's a new one from
Gallerie, a company who has produced some of the most interesting looking
candies in the past few years. The Spooky Spritzer is, for some
reason or another, a plastic soda can which contains a bunch of sour ghost
candies. As a bonus, each of the ghost candies has a little message on it,
just like the candy hearts you see every year for Valentine's Day. The can
actually does have a pop-top just like a real soda, but the problem is
that the candies are pretty much too big to fit through the hole in the
top with ease. Fortunately, you can remove the entire lid and pour them
out easily, but that does kind of defeat the purpose of the soda can
novelty. But hey, at least it features a bunch of drunk ghosts on the
package art. And speaking of being drunk...
I'm thinking their creative
department might've had a few too many spritzers of their own when
coming up with the text for these candies. While some of the candies have
some mildly humorous plays on words - such as "Ghoulfriend" instead of
"Girlfriend" and "Fang & Hisses" instead of "Hugs & Kisses" - other ones
have nothing humorous whatsoever. Ones like "Spooky Street" and "Magic
Potion" really make me believe that they were totally plastered when
coming up with these things. My personal favorite one is the ghost who
boldly states "I AM A GHOST." Haha, the little fella was so proud
of himself that I just couldn't bring myself to eat him.
If you like extremely sour
candies, you'll surely dig these ones. I don't like candies that are this
sour, but I'm honestly tempted to buy another can just to see what other
crazy messages were put on the ghosts during the creative department's
drunken stupor.
out of 5 crazy Jacks
Glow-In-The-Dark Fun Fangs With Candy!
Hardly much candy to talk
about here, but I dig the lazy-eyed Count Dracula on the package. These
Fun Fangs come with a just few little pellets that are slightly
smaller than your average rabbit shit. They don't taste much better than
rabbit shit either, as the tiny balls are reminiscent of expired fruit
covered in sugar to mask the horrible flavor. But it's obvious that the
main point of this was not for the treat, but for the glow-in-the-dark
fangs. So how well did they glow?
Pathetic. That was after
holding the fangs directly on top of a bright light for well over a
minute, and my camera takes pretty good pictures in the dark, so it's not
the photo. I actually had the brighten it up in Photoshop a bit just so
you could barely see it if you sat closely enough to the screen - that's
how weak the glow was. When your main selling point is a set of
glow-in-the-dark fangs, you had damn well better make sure that they do a
good job of glowing.
out of 5 Chucky doll heads
Witch's Cauldron Dig 'n Dips!
Damn, this
stuff is tasty... really tasty! It's the perfect amount of sour and
the sour apple flavor is right on the money. I also didn't expect to find
all the little candy shapes inside the Witch's Cauldron such as the
multi-colored pumpkins and bats. I hope they didn't expect you to be able
to make them stick to the lollipop though; no matter how much I licked it,
the candy shapes wouldn't stick to it. The sour apple sugar sticks
easily though.
Something I
really liked about this candy is how they acknowledge the fact that most
people wouldn't eat it in one sitting. So how did they handle the problem
of having a saliva-covered lollipop that was to be used again later on?
They included a notch in the back of the cauldron that holds the lollipop
so it doesn't touch the ground. Furthermore, they include a reusable piece
of plastic that you wrap around it so no dust gets on it. Finally,
somebody does it right!
out of 5 Pennywise clowns
Beaming &
Babbling Bones!
I don't know
what it is about bright neon packaging, but I'm a sucker for it all when
it comes to Halloween, and these Beaming & Babbling Bones sucked me right
on in. And you know what? I'm glad they did. First off, the candy skulls
'n bones are tasty as can be, just like Sweet Tarts candies only slightly
softer. Real good.
Next you
have the packaging gimmick itself with absolutely rocks. They say good
things sometimes come in small packages; well this proves that saying to
be true. Yes, there's the cool artwork of the "Ha Ha Ha!"
skeleton on the coffin lid, but it gets better. Upon opening the coffin,
the eyes of the skull begin to flash red, you hear a loud creaking noise
followed by a deep voice that says "WELCOME!" and then
begins to laugh like an evil bastard. My friends, this by FAR beats the
sound effects found in the Nestlé Grave Bandit or the Bone Rattlers Coffin
that I featured on the first page of this article. If I could set that
sound effect to be my doorbell, I would. In the meantime, I think I might
set it to be my answering machine message. But don't take my word for how
truly great it is, take a look at this video and see for yourself:
Click
on the above pic to watch the
Beaming & Babbling Bones in action!
I couldn't
be happier with the Beaming & Babbling Bones, and I'll probably pick up a
few more when I get the chance as they come in a variety of bright neon
colors.
out of 5 slices of pumpkin pie
The Wilton
Halloween
Candy Making Kit Mega Pack!
When it
comes to "do-it-yourself" food kits that involve actually creating the
designs, I'm always slightly wary of them simply because I know they'll
never end up looking exactly like the ones on the box. You can take a look
at
my recent attempt to decorate a Halloween Cookie House for more
evidence of that. This Halloween Candy Making Kit Mega Pack,
however, seemed to be fairly simple. You just melt the candies, pour them
into the molds, and then after they've cooled down in the fridge, they're
ready to go. Sounds good right? Ok, let's see how it goes...
They provide
you with four different colors of candy (chocolate) discs which you place
into the decorating bags and microwave in small increments. After 15
seconds you grab the bags and mash up the candies inside to speed things
up. You repeat this process 3 or 4 more times until it's all completely
melted and ready to pour into the molds.
And that's
where things started looking bad. You're supposed to paint the outer
design parts (such as leaves, facial features, etc.) into the mold first
using the paintbrush they provide you with. Problem is, it doesn't work
too well and it doesn't put in nearly enough of the melted chocolate
candy, so you end up having to squeeze more in from the design bags. Then
once you have enough, all you can do is fill up the mold with the base
color and smooth it out with a spoon as evenly as possible. After that,
all you can do is chuck 'em in the fridge to cool off and hope for the
best.
Damn! My two
pumpkins ended up looking like Toht (from Raiders of the Lost Ark)
when the Ark of the Covenant is opened up and his face gets melted by the
wrath of god.
The pretzel
totem pole faired slightly better, though somehow my ghost and pumpkin
characters looked like they had been splattered with flaming bags of dog
poop. Re, however, was able to pull off the Frankenstein monster pretty
damned nicely. That's about as close to what you see on the box as I think
it's possible for an average person to do. If you want your candy
characters to look like what's pictured on the box, I hope you have some
professional tools and hands with the precision of a friggin' brain
surgeon. And even then, they probably won't come out quite right.
I will say
this though: whether or not your candies come out looking good, I
guarantee you they're gonna taste good. I've never had Wilton brand
chocolates before, but these ones were delicious as hell. Only sad thing
is that my designs probably look better digesting in my stomach than they
did when I first removed them from the candy molds.
out of 5 haunted houses
Hubba
Bubba Twist 'n Pour Characters!
These rule.
There's no other way to put it. If you like the flavor of Tiny Size
Chiclets, then you'll surely enjoy these just as much. And how can you not
like the containers? You twist them to open up the dispenser hole for
pouring out the gum. And speaking of the holes, I like where they chose to
position them on each character. The ghost looks fairly terrified, and
when you pour the candies out it looks as though he's puking - I dare say
puking rainbows
even! The pumpkin, on the other hand, is happy as can be to be shooting
projectile bubble boogers out of his nose. And we're more than happy to
eat them up now aren't we? Yes, yes we are. Hubba Bubba.
My only real
complaint about these is that they could've easily fit twice as many
pieces of gum inside them. I also had a suspicion that the ghost glowed in
the dark, but he doesn't. Maybe he puked out all of his glow along with
the bubble gum. Poor ghost.
out of 5 mad scientists
And there
you have it! We
made it to the end and somehow haven't required medical assistance to pump
the sugar out of our stomachs! Huzzah! But don't
rest easy just yet... I'll still be on the lookout for more Halloween
candies up until October 31st once again this year, and if I find any more
treats worth writing about, I'll
either add them to this article or post 'em in the Halloween Grab Bag
section. If you see any new Halloween candies that I have yet to cover, be
sure to drop me a line and let me know!
Thanks for
reading, and for your own sake, get a really good dental plan before
Halloween rolls around this year. If these candies are any indication of
the sugary delights that will be dropped in your trick-or-treat bags,
you're gonna need one badly.
Have any questions or comments
about this piece?
Email -RoG-
out of 5 Chucky doll heads
