Features

He-Man And She-Ra: A Christmas Special
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

 
 

Back on Eternia, the kids are watching Bow kill off any shred of his remaining heterosexuality as he leans up against a tree and plays a mandolin-like instrument while they all join in to sing his new Christmas song about love and caring. I'm not really sure how they already know the lyrics to it since he claims to have just finished writing it, but I guess that's just the magic of Christmas, right? Perfuma adds to the mood by decorating the area with snow and flowers galore. Orko and Kowl (the creature that appears to be a hybrid of a Koala and an Owl, but with giant technicolor ears) get their dance groove on as well. Just when you think this holly jolly hootenanny couldn't get any more horrendous, Hordak shows up in style:

No, your eyes sadly do not deceive you... That is indeed a giant flying penis. A "peniscopter" if you will. Hordak quickly shoots out a tractor beam at the kids and Orko so he can be "well rewarded" by Horde Prime. Being the genius that he is, Bow tries to shoot down the peniscopter with his bow and arrow set. I'm sorry, but even if he managed to get the shot off, a dinky little arrow isn't going to do much damage to a well-armored phallus, er, helicopter like that. Well anyway, he doesn't even get the shot off because the peniscopter shoots him with an ice beam... or maybe it's just quick-hardening semen. Yeah, now that I think about it, that's probably what it was.

 

Hordak returns to Etheria when the Monstroids grab his peniscopter right out of the sky and demand that he leaves Orko and the kids with them. Hordak of course gripes about it at first, but when the Monstroids point a ridiculous number shoulder blasters at him, he has a quick change of heart, cartoonishly runs off the screen and retreats in his peniscopter. Say what you want about Skeletor's evil failures, but I always thought Hordak was a far bigger wimp in comparison.

 

Meanwhile, Peek-a-Blue's multivision helps She-Ra and He-Man learn the children's whereabouts. And here you thought those pretty peacockish feathers were just for show? Psshaw! She also informs them that the "little machine people" also known as the Manchines have set out to rescue Orko and the children. Why? Who knows, I guess the Manchines are just really friendly, but they're still gonna need the help of He-Man and She-Ra.

In their new prison cell, Orko apologizes to the kids for getting them in this mess when a a Manchine by the name of Cutter shows up to lend a helping hand. His hand transforms into a buzz-saw and he makes short work of their cell bars. What I want to know is why this... thing... looks like a nightmarish pink robotic dino-midget-mutant with lobster claws. I know nature can be cruel, but this would have to be one of its most stomach-churning abortions if it were real. Furthermore, he has a cousin named Zipper who appears to be nothing more than a scooter with a head (not nearly as cool as the classic anthropomorphic Speed Buggy cartoon by Hanna-Barbera, mind you). Whoever did the voice for Zipper tried to make him sound speedy (or zippy!) by adding z's onto various words, but honestly... it sounds like a bad Bill Cosby impersonation more than anything since the words blend together. Anyway, Zipper arrives to help all of them make a speedy escape, or so he thought.

He may be fast, but Zippy is soon surrounded by the Monstroids and looks like their brave (and disturbing) escape attempt is about to be thwarted when He-Man and She-Ra show up to save the day. As powerful as the Monstroids are supposed to be, I gotta say, they're apparently not built well at all. Why do I say this? Because even the slightest inconvenience appears to make them short-circuit and/or explode. For starters, He-Man tangles up one of their arms which somehow causes it to completely short out and fall over. Wait... what!?

She-Ra turns her sword into a lasso and uses it to yank one of the robot's feet out from under it. The robot falls over and... yep, you guessed it... it shorts out. Why? Because, you know... falling over is the one true weakness of all powerful robots.

Being the mortal enemies of the Monstroids, the Manchines decide to get in on the action as an entire group of them join the battle. It seems that some Manchines have better uses than others. For example, one of them has an extremely hard head akin to the likes of Ram-Man and when He-Man tosses a Monstroid his way, the Machine uses his head to bust it to a dozen tiny pieces. Another Manchine, however, has a chest filled with rope. Sure, his buddy extends the rope and uses it to trip some of the Monstroids (which destroys them, of course) but come on... a rope chest robot? You know that Manchine has to feel pretty friggin' useless most of the time. With the mighty Monstroids being all but destroyed, the kids rejoice and are greeted by another new face...

The Manchines have a puppy named Relay! I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. It also has some eyelashes. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybeline! Actually it's a "he", which makes the eyelashes all the more confusing. Their puppy runs right up to Alisha and starts licking her face. Eugh. Skeletor then shows up and captures the kids and the dog while He-Man, She-Ra and the Manchines are celebrating their victory over the Monstroids. Skeletor flies off after temporarily disabling Swifty so She-Ra can't chase after him, but Hordak shows up (thankfully, not in the peniscopter) and damages Skeletor's ride so that he crash lands in a snowy mountainous area. Skeletor has no problem with the winter weather, but the same can't be said for his three hostages. "Please mister! Be nice! It's Christmas time! It's a season of love and joy and caring!" Skeletor scoffs as Alisha passes out in the snow, "Ha! Is that what Christmas is? No wonder Horde Prime wants to get rid of it! A season of love!? Caring!? JOY!? Yeeeuch! What a disgusting idea!"

Still, Skeletor realizes he needs to keep moving before Hordak returns with reenforcements, so he uses his magical staff to create warm jackets for the kids. The're both extremely happy now and thank Skeletor for his kindness to which he responds, "Kind!? Never use that word around me!" Classic Skelee. He then commands them to keep moving, but Alisha remembers that they need to bring Relay with them. Skeletor commands the children to leave the puppy behind and to keep moving, but that's when things get insane...

Skeletor starts to walk away, but when he hears the whimpers of Relay, he turns around and looks into those big, helpless, puppy dog eyes and it's all over. He picks up Relay and carries him since he's unable to walk in the snow.

 

As he walks off with Relay in his arms, Skeletor starts talking to himself, "Blast it! I don't know what's coming over me... but whatever it is, I don't like it!" And then as he continues to walk, it gets even better:

Relay begins licking Skeletor's face as a sign of affection. He tells Relay to stop it, but you can tell Skeletor's actually enjoying it despite what he says. The kids even offer to carry the dog for him, to which he replies, "Uhh... no! Uhh... no, we'll go faster if uh... if I carry him! But uhh... tell more more about this uh... Christmas." They go on to explain the holiday in more detail to him, and Skeletor assumes all the activities involve violence. For example, he expects any presents that people receive have explosive devices hidden inside them. One could only wish, Skeletor... one could only wish.

The He-Madness isn't over yet!
Click here to continue to Page 3 of the
He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special!

Reader Comments

Valkyr Addict
Dec 24th, 2008, 08:58 AM
Skeletor damn neared died at the thought of feeling compasion.
Member
Dec 24th, 2008, 10:02 AM
I still never understand why they didn't invite skeletor to celebrate christmas with them. I can see him walking in with a smile on his face, only to have the 30,000 human action figures in eternia beat the living crap out of him before Adam explains that he's on thier side today. That would have been awesome!

Also, can someone explain why the women in the he-man universe don't seem to wear pants? I mean don't you think if you were princess of etheria your mom would tell you to put a skirt over your under-roos? I wouldn't complain, except the MEN seem to have this problem too. There's something really gay about a "magical sword" that gives you great power, but makes your pants disappear.

And with that mental image, I wish you all a very merry Christmas! ;-)
Riot Control
Dec 24th, 2008, 12:34 PM
HowardC: They probably thought that bringing Skeletor to the Christmas celebration would make him go wild and try to impersonate Santa. I mean... What if instead of the magical flying belts they got magical staves with a skull on top? They would have gotten true witchcraft there and I'm not sure their parents would be all that pleased... Seeing Skeletor laugh with glee was enough already.
Last of the Time Lords
Dec 24th, 2008, 02:58 PM
I actually still have this one on tape. Truly awful in that "must watch it every year" way that most of these specials have.

And I could never figure out why they made a big deal about the dog licking Skeletor's face to show affection. His face is bone. Bones are like crack to cartoon dogs. I'm amazed Relay didn't run off with it when Skeletor was unconscious and bury it in the snow.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:57 PM
I want to see the animation of the fist-shaking Skeletor with "Robble-Robble!" flashing across it.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 04:10 PM
My boyfriend's neices have this on DVD. Although I was a huge She-Ra fan when I was five (I even had the costume, which I would wear ritualisticaly every day when it came on the fuzzy old floor-model tv), I never knew until last year that this jewel even existed! I'm hoping someone places this work of holiday art into my stocking this evening....
Member
Dec 24th, 2008, 09:29 PM
Believe it or not, the DVD of this brought me a lot of Christmas joy the year the one store I was working in was closing. I was having a terrifically crap-tacular day, practically in tears because our liquidator was being his usual charming self [/sarcasm] and while I was straightening up, I found that we still had a single copy of this in stock. My one manager wanted to get it himself, but I stood there, hugged it to my chest and went "No. Mine! I need this." It truly made my day a lot better.

And Nirvana, I have pictures of me on Christmas morning, decked out in the costume over my pajamas, not to mention me as her the following Halloween, too. Plus, every time the show came on, I had to run and grab the glow-in-the-dark sword with sparkly sticker gem and go through the entire intro with it, not to mention the show itself.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 10:18 PM
I-Mockery is the gift that keeps on giving, between this and Santa's Slay.

BTW, the "what evil robots" line = not-so-subtle burial of MOTU's competition at the time? You decide...
Fanboy
Dec 25th, 2008, 12:16 AM
I hated Orko.
Member
Dec 25th, 2008, 12:17 AM
I've gotta admit, I STILL sometimes hold my magic sword aloft and shout "By the power of greyskull!" It's far more disturbing now then when I was 6, but hey, I have enough issues so that nobody notices it.
Reptilus Rex
Dec 25th, 2008, 02:19 AM
I think She-Ra says the whole honor bit to keep with her standing as a princess. You know, the V-Card.
grants but one wish
Dec 25th, 2008, 04:14 AM
"King Randor" is the BURGER KING! your secrets out randor...
pickled
Dec 25th, 2008, 08:43 PM
Skeletor smiling with holiday spirit is creepy.
The Geminate
Dec 25th, 2008, 08:48 PM
I found this piece extremely disturbing, and it will take more than booze to sleep tonight.
bad case of the dead
Dec 26th, 2008, 12:59 PM
fights are fun. i like fights!

heman aged really well compared to most cartoons
Member
Dec 26th, 2008, 01:49 PM
One thing about Filmation, they always had hot females to oggle.
What Video Games?
Dec 27th, 2008, 12:25 PM
The review I read of this on another site downplayed the shit out of it. Count on -RoG- to turn feces into filet mignon! Thanks for the funny review!
after enough bourbon ...
Dec 27th, 2008, 01:00 PM
Manchines = Ewoks
Forum Virgin
Dec 28th, 2008, 03:25 AM
Wow I had an action figure of Two-Bad as a kid, and only now did I realise he was from He-Man! (and that his name was Two-Bad) hehe that's one mystery solved
The Power of Grayskull
Dec 29th, 2008, 08:05 AM
Ah the memories. I still have all of my He-man action figures and vehicles in a box at my parent's house. I need to put up a shelf and display them proudly, dammit.

Also, did anyone else notice that Miguel's father looks a lot like Ron Jeremy?
Forum Virgin
Dec 31st, 2008, 03:21 PM
I don't think they were trying to capitalize on the Transformers craze when they presented the transforming robots. In fact, that they said they were evil makes me think they were aiming for the whole "HOLY POO TRANSFORMERS ARE EVIL AND WILL KILL YOU FAMILY BUY HE-MAN TOYS INSTEAD" marketing strategy.

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