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Iced!
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

While Jeanette continues to whine about Eddie, Carl decides to sample the powder. The juxtaposition of coke and crack ends early when he hears a noise in his room. And let me tell you, when it comes to tension music, I sure love me some electric harpsicord!

Though you'd expect him to find an enraged former ski buddy, all he finds is a vision of himself in bed covered in blood. Don't you just hate it when you take a bunch of coke and then fall asleep right away and have weird dreams?

John comes to confront him about the newspaper clipping he found. It's reassuring to know that as much of a dick as John is, at least he's one of the few characters to understand that a dead friend isn't exactly a comedy goldmine. He also stumbles across Carl's gun, the only explanation for which is, "life is precious, you know?" With John scared off, Carl decides to settle his nerves by snorting all his remaining coke off the mirror in his room.

Oh, I get it: he's getting "iced"! The movie makes complete sense now!

Then the editor has a stroke and we're subjected to around five minutes of scenes that probably should have been cut from the movie, including:

-An awkward dinner where Trina tells a humiliating story about stuffing her bra on a date.
-A shot of people skiing at some other ski resort.
-Jeanette in the bathroom preparing for Alex's presentation.
-Alex taking a bath and imagining himself having sex with Jeanette in a tub.

Some of you may be wondering how Jeff could be the killer when his silly death was confirmed by a newspaper. Also, how is it that he organized getting his former friends up to this chalet that Alex is trying to sell? Well the movie gives you a shot of Jeff's face in the mirror when Alex is getting ready for his big presentation, so you may as well place your bets as to whether Alex is a friend of Jeff's upset about his death, or is possessed by Jeff's angry spirit, or is actually Jeff in some sort of plot twist that will never be fully explained, etc.

When Alex finally arrives for the softest of soft sells, Jeanette practically throws herself at him, going so far as to ask him to stay the night. Who can blame her, though? As we find out during a fireside chat, Alex comes from a wealthy family and is a world traveler. Who wouldn't want to sleep with this guy within moments of meeting him?

And talk about confidence: this guy starts imagining that sex scene with him and Jeanette again before they even start making out!

Unfortunately for him, the mood is killed when they get a call from "Eddie" saying he's with Jeff now. Alex reveals that Jeff was one of the people he invited to this real estate pitch, and that he RSVP'ed in spite of being dead. Sensing that he's not going to be fulfilling that dream he was having just yet, Alex takes off, leaving the rest of them to argue about what's really going on.

Diane reveals that Jeff's mom cursed her and vowed that her family would take revenge on Diane for Jeff's death. Oh man, are we bringing curses into a movie that's already full of sex and drugs and weird dreams? And skiing, lots of skiing?

Before things can settle down, John gets a call to perform an emergency C-section. I see no reason why he should have any trouble getting from an isolated chalet in the mountains to a hospital in a hurry. Certainly not when Alex warned that there would be a snowstorm that night.

He opts to leave his hysterical wife behind as he makes the perilous journey of indeterminate length through adverse weather conditions in a hurry. Or maybe he just forgot her. He seems like the forgetful sort. He even forgot to lock the doors of his SUV.

Resting comfortably in his back seat, the killer emerges and drives the tip of his ski pole through Michael's neck. He jerks away as soon as the pole makes contact, but the killer somehow manages to hold him in place long enough for his amateur tracheotomy to do its work.

Diane, sensing a way out of this terrible movie, hurriedly packs her things and heads to the car.

Though it seemed like their marriage wasn't good enough to warrant it, Diane is still distraught when she finds John's corpse. Her screaming only intensifies when the killer shows up out of nowhere and chases her away from the car. Drawn by her screams, her friends in the chalet emerge to help her fend off--ah, I'm just kidding. Her screaming goes entirely unnoticed, even when she circles around to the back of the house after the front door locks behind her.

The ski pole was a good start, but the killer doesn't think the tip of the pole was sufficiently dull, so he goes for something even less sharp: an icicle. We don't actually see him killing Diane with the icicle, but rest assured, that icicle was sharp enough to stop her screaming. Not that he needed to stop her screaming, but if she had gone on for much longer, she could've triggered an avalanche that would've brought the whole mountain down around that little chalet. And her friends still probably wouldn't notice anything amiss.

No wonder they couldn't hear Diane screaming. How could anyone hear anything over the sound of all that sitting and standing around? In spite of knowing that Carl is an armed cokehead making fun of their dead friend, Jeanette is still not entirely turned off to the idea of spending time with him. Until this happens:

Good god, Carl is the killer! And he's a vampire!

He knocks her down so he can finish draining her blood for sustenance when the movie suddenly cuts to the killer laying down bear traps outside. Then it cuts back to the chalet, and everything is fine. My theory is that the director knows how to start scenes, but he just doesn't know how to end them.

On the other hand, theory #2 is that the director had to create some padding to fill in the areas in between nude shots.

Sometime after being attacked by Carl, Jeanette sheds her clothing and starts groping herself in the hot tub. I don't want to get off on too much of a tangent here, but Jeanette has an awfully flat butt. I only bring it up because at the rate the movie is going, we'll likely be seeing everyone's butt at some point, so they need to be written about. We've already seen Trina's, Cory's, and Carl's. John and Diane are dead, but there's no reason their nude corpses might not show up later. And Eddie got run over a while back, but it sure looked like the bulldozer tore his pants off.

Now that we've seen her butt, it's time for her to go.

The killer plugs a 50' extension cable into a radio and carries it out to the tub. Jeanette looks shocked, get it? "Shocked!?" That's funny.

No, but seriously, she looks surprised because this is a stupid way to kill someone.

Again, the screaming and thrashing goes unheard, even though the door from her room to the tub is open. Is that why the killer used a stereo and a long cord to killer her? Because he's completely disappointed by how easy it is to kill these incredibly dumb, unlikeable people?

Oh hey, did you need another reason to hate Carl?


You're welcome.

The world's drowsiest coke fiend wakes up from his latest nap and draws his gun on instinct. Peeking out the window, he sees the killer waving a lantern. Carl heads out in pursuit, confident his revolver will protect him from any bear traps he may come across.

Sadly, he is too busy thinking about Jeanette's surfboard buttocks. One bear trap is bad enough, but wouldn't you know it, he steps in both. He fires a couple shots into the air in a desperate attempt to kill god for allowing such an insane coincidence to occur. The bullets miss their mark, and he topples over screaming.

Apparently the editor is now just as bored with the movie as I am, because he doesn't even bother to include the footage of Carl getting that wound on his chest. Look, movie, I don't want to watch you, and you don't want to show me anything, but let's just work together and get through this, okay?

There's still plenty more if Iced to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 3!

 

Reader Comments

The Claw of Justice
Oct 21st, 2013, 06:44 PM
It's like the twists in these movies are thought up on the spot, midway through production.
Im one good looking Troll
Oct 22nd, 2013, 11:17 PM
I was laughing hard when you showed the pic when it's just two of them perfectly standing still not making a sound after all the screaming .
Forgetable Cyborg
Oct 23rd, 2013, 02:09 AM
Gasp! You mean the killer didn't die from his totally not fatal fall? Frosty weeps tears of blood that he had to be in your stupid movie; shame on you, Jeff Kwitny! (Yes, I did go to IMDB to find the director's name.)
Cranberry Everything
Oct 23rd, 2013, 10:21 PM
Haha, this reminds me of another equally terrible 1988 horror movie "Hack-O-Lantern". The things you subject yourself to just to entertain us, Dr. Boogie.
Good review.

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