by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

...so this is how it's going to be, movie? Gonna show me this idiot climbing out of bed to eat pie? Oh, the suspense! Look, he's taking another bite! Chew, man, chew! Hey, maybe later, we can have a scene with him washing the dishes. Wouldn't want to leave that pie story unresolved, right?

*sigh* ... better.

I don't want to say that the killer "shows up" because we only see the knife getting stabbed into Cory's shoulder. The important part is that he's dead, and now we're down to just Trina. It would be child's play for the killer to just walk upstairs and stab her since she's as deaf as the rest of these dead chunkheads, but how would we fill the last fifteen minutes?

Morning comes, and Trina finally wakes up to find the power's out.

Well, mostly out. The accent lights were on a separate circuit from the rest of the chalet.

She finds Jeanette still in the tub, still showing off her cans even in death.

Luckily, Cory was able to pack enough piecrust around the knife in his shoulder to staunch the bleeding. He's alive, but he needs someone to bake him a fresh poultice. Trina throws on a jacket and boots (no pants, though, she's in a hurry) and makes a dash for the car.

She discovers that it's a lot harder to hold onto things with no pants when she promptly drops both the car keys and the chalet keys. After a moment of flailing in the snow, she notices that John and Diane's car is still there.

My face, while watching this scene.

Trina freaks out again, like the first time, but more. She's so freaked out that she doesn't even consider walking the fifty feet over to the neighboring chalet to call for help. Then again, if they didn't hear the screaming or the gunshots from the night before, what help will they be?

No, she tries to get back into the house, only to find it locked. Good thing Carl has a spare set of keys.

Say what you will about her losing the keys; she at least has the presence of mind to pry the gun out of Carl's cold, dead hands.

Trina unlocks the chalet and discovers someone has tracked fresh snow into the foyer. The killer is inside the house! Thank Christ the power was spontaneously restored. Now she can dial 9-1-...

...Alex. I take back what I said earlier about giving Trina credit for anything. She had a choice between law enforcement and a sleepy realtor, and she chose the latter. Whatever happens from here on, she deserves it. Alex says he'll be over shortly with the police. In the meantime, Trina posts on the stairwell watching the door.

Yet somehow, the killer is able to walk through the door and wrestle the gun out of her hands before she reacts. Of course! That's why she couldn't find the car keys or see John and Diane's corpses until she was right next to the car: she's blind and deaf!

Lucky for her, lacking two of her senses makes her super strong. She tosses the killer aside and races upstairs so as to cut off all potential avenues of escape. As she's barricading the door to her room, she hears Alex calling out to her, saying that he brought the police, and she warns him that the killer is still in the chalet. She's really not figuring this out, is she?

Eventually, the killer punches through the balsawood door and shoves aside all the props she threw against the door. In the ensuing scuffle, she rips off the killer's mask.

What? You mean it's not the guy whom everyone knew was dead? Nope, it's just this guy the movie has been dropping not-so-subtle hints about since shortly after he first appeared. As for the why of it all, Alex lays it out in typical Bond villain fashion:

It turns out that way back in that scene where it looked like Jeff was talking to himself, he was actually talking to Alex. Alex knew Jeff was going out for a relaxing "no lights at all, skiing through trees, quadruple black diamond" ski run to blow off some steam. When Jeff failed to return, Alex hopped on his snowmobile to go look. He found Jeff's body, then he somehow fell and broke his leg so bad that he had to have it amputated. Thus, anger over his friend's death and the loss of his leg was projected onto Trina because when you make your villain a lunatic, nothing has to make sense.

Meanwhile, Cory has managed to grab the gun and drag himself upstairs. Together, he and Trina wrap things up in a way that was just as stupid and dull as the rest of the movie:

Trina summons another burst of super strength and hurls Alex away. As he stumbles towards the balcony, Cory shoots him. Then, in between film cuts, Alex smears himself with blood and manages to hook his prosthetic leg in the pullcord for the curtains. The cord catches him as he falls over the railing, then it gives way, and he falls fifteen feet to land in a thick snowbank, which kills him. I guess.

The couple is safe at last. But wait: if Alex was the killer, then who tracked that snow into the chalet just before Trina called the cops? And who made that threatening call to Jeanette when Alex was having dinner with them?

Ha, did you think there was going to be an answer to those questions? You dumb bastard. Plot holes like that are only resolved in movies that care about the audience. Here on I-Mockery, we often feature shit movies that insult the viewer. Here's another pointless scene to close out this crappy movie:

Five years later, Trina and Cory have brought their kid to the place where all their friends were murdered. And look! They made an abnormally large snowman. Isn't that fun?

Terrific. I can hardly wait for Iced II: Snowed.

Folks, I want to ask yourselves this question: was this movie only made so that we could get Lisa Lorin (who used to play Wednesday Adams on The Addams Family) naked? We do see an awful lot of her in this movie, and the scenes where she's nude really don't fit in with the rest of the movie. The actress playing Trina didn't fare much better, but the overly-elaborate scene with her nailing Cory while Jeff shambles up a hill at least kind of seemed like it belonged in the film. And we saw both Cory and Carl nude as well.

You know what? This is a horror movie that was planned around its nudity. Maybe that's why so many of the other movies featured on this site turned out to be such steaming piles: there was supposed to be a bunch of nudity to break up all the non-tension and lack of scares. That must be why the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake was so terrible! They should have gotten Joe Eszterhaus to write it!

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