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Jack Frost 2 - Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman!
by: -RoG-

Before we begin, be sure to check out my in-depth look at Jack Frost part 1 if you haven't already. Why? Because when it comes to movies with extremely deep plots such as these ones, you'll be lost if you don't know the whole story. It's fairly safe to say that they had their work cut out for them with this sequel... I mean, they had to top things like "snowman shower rape" and "excessive use of plastic shavings instead of real snow." Still, these filmmakers weren't about to let such things scare them away from attempting a sequel. That being said, we now look at Jack Frost 2 - the Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman.

That's it, tell the shrink about the killer snowman. Riiight...

We begin with good ol' sheriff Sam sitting in a shrink's office. The stress of having to destroy a mutant killer snowman has proven to be too much for him to take. While the shrink and everybody else in the office laugh at Sam's stories of anti-freeze heroism, his greatest fears are about to become a reality... again. For some undisclosed reason, a bunch of scientists discover where Jack Frost's remains in anti-freeze were buried. They take the anti-freeze back to their lab and conduct all sorts of tests on it in an attempt to bring Jack back to life. Nothing seems to work, until...

I should've known, Juan Valdez would free Jack Frost.

After all the scientists have gone home, a familiar face wanders into the lab. It turns out that the guy who played "the idiot" in the first Jack Frost movie works as a janitor. While he starts to clean up the place, he bumps into the tank containing the Jack Frost anti-freeze. A cup of coffee that was brilliantly left on the edge of the tank by one of the scientists falls into the anti-freeze. Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen next?

KABOOM! I LIKE ZEE GLASS! IT TASTES GOOD, YA!

Sure enough, coffee is the one thing that can bring a snowman entombed in anti-freeze back to life. No matter how many times I run that one through my head, it just doesn't make sense. Anyway, I'm sad to report that the idiot dies when one of the glass shards from Jack's tank is embedded in his face. This is the first let-down of the movie, because I enjoyed seeing "the idiot" pop-up in the background throughout the first film. Killing off his vital presence so early on in the flick seems like a mistake to me... but mistakes are generally what sequels are all about, so I digress.

Welp, Sam and some of his good pals from Snowmonton have decided to go on a tropical island getaway. If nothing else, they figure a nice sunny vacation will get his mind off of a homicidal snowman. No such luck, Sam.

Nothing like a tropical island getaway, with a mutant snowman.

Jack Frost is hot on their tail, apparently able to maintain his molecular structure while traveling across the ocean. Damn, that coffee gave ol' Jack quite the upgrade, eh? Jack finds two castaways floating in the middle of the ocean and can you guess what their only food supply is? A CARROT! Say, I bet that would make a great nose for a certain snowman if he were to... oh, I dunno... kill the two guys in the raft. Sure enough, after one drowns, Jack shoots one of his patented icicle darts up from underneath the raft and right through the other poor bastard's belly. Eh, I guess a quick death is better than being stuck in the middle of the ocean with nothing but a friggin' carrot. So it's off to the Tropicana Hotel where Sam and company are hanging out.

DUDES AND DUDETTES, GET YOUR FREAK ON!

Oh but there's more than just a bunch of geezers hanging out at this resort. There's plenty of bimbos and himbos to be found here and they're all looking to party. They probably weren't looking to party with a killer snowman, but that's what you get for signing up for one of those "ONCE IN A LIFETIME WEEKEND GETAWAY!" deals. Suckers.

CAPTAIN FUN! Please, stop singing, the script is bad enough without your vocals.

Meet your new pal - Captain Fun. If there's a party on this island, you can bet your winter wonderland ass that he's the cause of it. It's his mission in life to make everybody have a good time, even if it means annoying the ever living shit out of them. Take Sam for example... he just wants to wallow in his thoughts about Jack Frost, but Captain Fun won't have that. He's gonna make Sam have fun... KARAOKE STYLE. I think that pretty much explains the lengths that Captain Fun will go to in order to ensure that the guests on this island do something fun with their time... except relax.

Careful, those fake boobs might melt near the fire! WEEEE HEEEE!

So these three teenage gals are enjoying a nice little fire on the beach while talking about who is going to get which guy. It appears as Jack Frost has a nose for stupid people, because he sniffs out these 3 dimwits right away. Actually, at the moment, he IS a nose... traveling on land as a homicidal carrot. I don't really understand why he's not moving around in his snowman form, but I'm sure it had to do with the film's budget. Filming a carrot on some invisible wire must somehow be cheaper than filming a giant snowman. See that? You've just learned something and I guarantee you, they'll never teach you that in film school!

Well, one of the girls decides that their fire needs some more coal, so she goes to hunt around the island for it. Say, I wonder who else could use some coal? Jack Frost already got his carrot nose back, now all he needs is some coal and a scarf to complete the snowman look. And shockingly enough, there's plenty of coal just scattered all over the damned beach. Sure makes sense to me.

MEEP MEEP! Hey wait! She's not the Roadrunner!

Looks like ol' Jack was setting a trap for little miss "tee hee! me no wear a bra!" She finds the clumps of coal on the ground and as she bends over to pick up the pieces, Jack tries dropping some of his killer icicles on her, but he keeps missing. Realizing that he's a bit rusty and out of practice, he decides to resort to something that absolutely can't miss... a snow anvil. Now, we've seen Wile E. Coyote get smashed with an anvil hundreds of times and he'd be back in action a few minutes later. That's just not the case with this gal. She's just become a nasty looking pile of mashed body parts in blood sauce, compliments of chef Jack. Bon Appetit!

TONGS! TONGS! TONGS OF DOOM! LOOK at the TONGS!

After making one of the other girls fall onto some ice spikes in a fairly uninteresting death, Jack quickly redeems himself by killing off the remaining survivor... by stabbing her in the eyes with salad tongs! I'm pretty sure that's a horror movie first, and by god, it was a sight for sore eyes. Get it? Sight? Sore eyes? Salad tongs in her eyes? Get it!? Eh? Eh? Ehhhh? Eugh...

OMG! He could take one of the eyes and put it under his patch!

The next morning, Captain Fun jumps into bed with Sam and his wife to wake-up those two "hangover grumps" as he refers to them. He's got some fun activities planned for them, including archery. So who knows, perhaps they'll hone their skills with a bow and arrow on his fun ass. We can only hope. Elsewhere, Colonel Hickering and Bobby (the two guys who basically run the hotel) have just discovered the grizzly remains from Jack's killfest last night. Soon after, they call in their head of island security - the one-eyed guy in the Hawaiian t-shirt who appears to enjoy holding the tongs with the impaled eyes a bit too much. But do you know who this guy really is? He's Agent Manners from the first Jack Frost movie!  It turns out that Jack didn't kill him in the last movie when he chewed up his face with those icicle fangs. Manners went through 15 operations to have his face fixed. Ahhhhhh, so that's why he looks completely different! It's not because, oh I dunno... the guy who played Agent Manners in the first movie didn't want to shame his family name (again) by appearing in the sequel? Well whatever, the point is, this is how Agent Manners looks now. If you ask me, having his face chewed up by Jack Frost at least makes him look like less of an asshole. Then again, maybe it's just the salad tongs with the eyeballs on 'em making me think that way.

And we now know what ice cubes dream of.

Now cut to a secluded spot on the island where this bikini model and her flamboyant photographer are doing a photo shoot. Being the ladies man that he is, Jack Frost shows up in the form of an ice cube. Did I mention that this was a low budget flick? Well it is. It really, really is. Well, the "snow puppy" model is ready to have more photos taken when the photographer advises her to make her nipples hard. She reaches into a cooler to pick out an ice cube, and all of the tiny Jack Frost cubes start saying "pick me! pick me!" And then the lucky one is chosen. And boy oh boy, does that cube ever have a fun time in nippleville. Well, that is until she ends the relationship and pisses off Jack.

Iced coffee anyone? Definitely "a Kodak moment."

Before they begin shooting pictures again, she decides to have an iced coffee before putting on a scarf. She crunches down on one of the Jack Frost ice cubes, and now she's got some Jack Frost floating around in her system. This apparently enables him to make her head explode.  "Oh, I guess it was decapitated coffee!" Jack cackles as we see a nice bloody chunk of her mouth get embedded in the camera lens. And speaking of the cameraman...

Step aside and let ol' Jack show you how it's done!

Now that he's got the final piece of the puzzle - a scarf - Jack is ready to take his killer snowman form and kill off the cameraman.  Jack sets up a very special photo shoot for the cameraman in which he shoves a live lobster into his face, hangs him, and then gouges out his eye with the carrot nose. Jack, even if your movies don't make a whole lot o' money, it's quite obvious to me that you'd make one hell of a photographer.

A plan is formed. A PLAN TO PARTY!

Pretty soon, Agent Manners decides to let the sheriff in on a little secret... there's a murderer on the island! Captain Fun comes up with a plan to lure out the killer into the open - by dressing up like complete idiots and throwing a party. His solution to everything is to throw a party. Well, at least the guy lives up to his name, sort of. Anyway, it appears as though Captain Fun's plan didn't work out, because Jack never shows up at the party. Instead, Jack throws a little party of his own for a "Hawt Asian Gurl!" going for a skinny dip in a secluded pool.

BUY THE MOVIE OR NO BOOBY! LOL

She just happens to feel like gettin' naked for whatever reason even though she's wearing a perfectly good bikini. Jack tests the water in the pool and decides that it's much too warm for her, so he decides to cool things down a bit. He creates a thick layer of ice on top of the pool while she's underwater, and due to a lack of oxygen, it's off to Davy Jones' Locker she goes. Teh sad Asian Boobs go glub glub. :(

How about a cold one, or 12? SNOWBALL FIIIIGHT!

Jack decides to celebrate his latest kill with a couple o' cold brewskies, and he doesn't stop there. He turns the entire tropical island into a winter wonderland. Even though it's never snowed there before, Captain Fun is still somehow prepared for the weather with all the winter gear on earth. This guy is just ready to throw a party no matter what the conditions outside are. I guess that's why they hired him as the director of island entertainment. To their credit, the snow at least looks real in this film... but I gotta say, I miss the plastic shavings from the first one. They just gave it even more of a "we're really not taking ourselves seriously at all here folks" kind of feeling.

DUDE! LOOK AT THE POLE! THE POLE! Awww, Jack always lends a helping hand. :)

Dude #1: "Frozen pole!"
Dude #2: "Huhuh! Yah!"
Dude #1: "Look dude, you gotta put your tongue to the pole!"
Dude #2: "What do you think I'm stupid? My tongue will stick!"
Dude #1: "I'll pour the warm beer down the pole."
Dude #2: "Yeah!"

It's a scene right out of "A Christmas Story"... sadly the dialogue of those elementary school kids during the infamous pole scene far surpasses the dialogue of these two numbskulls in terms of intelligence. Instead of pouring the warm beer down the pole to free his friend, Dude #1 spots some girls and goes to talk with them, leaving Dude #2 stuck to the pole. It's a good thing Jack Frost is nearby to lend a helping hand. Jack yanks the dude's head back, ripping his tongue clean off - definitely one of the better kills in this flick.

TURBO SNOWBALL FROM HELL! AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Now it's time for Jack to stop playing the sneaky stealthy snowman and to start playing the "here I am motherfuckers, just try and stop me!" snowman that we all love. Jack starts hurling high-speed snowballs from hell at the remaining hotel guests and it becomes a nice little splatterfest. One guy in particular has his arm knocked right off and he spurts an absurd amount of blood (and chunks) all over his wife.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR DIDI SEVEN!

I mean really, that's just way over the top for a mere arm wound. I highly approve.

SO WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?
WILL BLOOD CONTINUE TO SPURT FROM THAT ARM?
WILL JACK APOLOGIZE AND OFFER SNOW-CONES TO ALL?

CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 TO FIND OUT!


WANT TO GET YOUR VERY OWN COPY OF JACK FROST 2?

Buy it simply so you can watch the Mini-Jacks over 'n over!
[click here to buy the "Jack Frost" DVD on Amazon!]


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