...CONTINUED

Question: What do you do the day after your brother's head was severed?
Answer: You go over to the sheriff's house to have sex.

I can't believe some of you answered with, "You mourn your loss and cry your eyes out" and "make funeral arrangements." What's wrong with you people? Everybody knows that when a loved one dies, the only way to cope with the loss is to have sex... in the local sheriff's house when he's not home. Yep. So Jill and Tommy plan to get it on, but first she tells him he needs to get her a bottle of wine and start a roaring fire. While he's doing that, she goes upstairs to dry her (already dry?) hair off with a blow dryer for the next 5 minutes or so. That leaves Tommy and his hormones downstairs just open for a killing. He hears a noise outside and whimpers, "Who's out there?"

Jack Frost then bursts into the door and proudly proclaims, "Well it ain't fuckin' Frosty!" Rack up yet another zinger for the sanguinary snowman! Oh but it doesn't end there. After Tommy makes several futile attempts at stabbing Jack Frost with an ice pick (that's right, he was actually trying to stab snow) he asks him, "What the hell are you?" Jack simply responds with, "World's most pissed off snowcone!" and then proceeds to shoot an icicle from his arm directly through Tommy's skull. Guess we won't be seeing Tommy coming up with more brilliant ideas such as stabbing snow or punching water or kicking air or biting fire. You'll be missed Tommy, you'll be missed.

Question: What do you do after you've just dried your hair for 10 minutes?
Answer: You take a bath and get it soaking wet all over again.

That's right, as soon as Jill is done drying her hair, she's more than happy to hop into a warm bath and completely drench it. Makes sense to me.

Now I know Shannon Elizabeth isn't really a good actress by any stretch of the imagination, and the only reason most people know her is because "she's that girl who gets naked in American Pie." Still, I have to give the girl some credit here since she willingly volunteered to play this role in Jack Frost. You'll see what I'm talking about in a few moments, but first... have you ever heard the term "Paying your dues" before? Well if it's true that all actors and actresses must pay their dues before they make it big in Hollywood, then Shannon Elizabeth has paid them ten-fold... and then some. Her warm bath turns cold as Jack Frost quickly fills it up with snow.

So do you want to see what happens next?

Do you really want to see what happens next?

Well ok, but don't say I didn't warn ya, ok?

You know, you could just go have a snack and pretend you finished reading this piece.

Oh alright, here ya go...

HEY KIDS! GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?
IT'S HAPPY FUN
SNOWMAN RAPE TIME!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

That's right folks, before Shannon Elizabeth got famous, she appeared in a shower scene during which she was raped by a killer snowman. Some people think he just bear-hugged her to death or something after they see the scene for the first time. Then they realize where his "carrot nose" was during the scene and all is understood. And just in case you still didn't understand what just happened, Jack also says, "It looks like Christmas came a little early this year!" as he puts his nose back on. Classy.

Having killed off Jake's entire family now, Jack sets his sights back on Sam... the one who originally caught him. He makes his way back to the sheriff's office, and Sam finally learns the truth about how Jack Frost has mutated into a killer snowman. Realizing that they can't kill Jack with bullets, they hold him off for a bit by melting him with Marla's hairdryer. Then they set off a bunch of aerosol cans and set the building ablaze.

Eh, I'm sure insurance will cover the damage. Unfortunately for them, all this does is melt Jack for a little bit. After the explosion, Jack puts himself back together and chuckles... "Look ma! I'm a Picasso!" I should also note that there's this "idiot" guy who is always doing stupid things in the background of the movie.

"OOO A FIRE! IT MUST BE MARSHMALLOW ROASTING TIME!"

Here, while everybody is running for their lives, he walks towards the flaming remains of the sheriff's office with some marshmallows on a stick. Well, I guess it's good to see that some people remain calm during a mutant killer snowman attack... even if it is a marshmallow-loving idiot.

Not wanting to join in with the consumption of roasted marshmallows, Jack turns himself into a giant snowball and bursts into the church where all the townspeople are hiding. Oh, but they're prepared for Jack this time... they've got hairdryers galore! I don't know where all the hairdryers in this town are coming from. Perhaps Snowmonton is not only "The Snowman Capitol of the Midwest" but also ""The Hairdryer Capitol of the Midwest" too? I guess we'll never know. Anyway, they all start melting away at Jack, eventually forcing him right into the furnace in the church basement.

Jack freaks out as he melts because it looks like these backwoods yokels may have gotten the better of his icy ass. Don't worry, Jack's not done for just yet.

In case you never watched enough episodes of "Mr. Wizard" during your youth, water can evaporate, and that's just what happened to Jack Frost inside that furnace. His steam starts to leak from the pipes and soon enough, he's able to re-form his snowman self and chew up the face of Agent Manners. He also kills Manner's sidekick nerd-boy, Agent Stone, too.

Stone emerges from the church with a throat full o' snow which he starts to spew out (from a hose behind his head, not from his mouth) all over the place. "Don't eat the yellow snow!" Egads! That's no ordinary snow, that's Jack Frost and he's coming straight for Sam and his son! In an act of desperation, Sam throws the baggie of disgusting food that his son made for him earlier in the movie into Jack's face.

For the first time, Jack starts screaming in true pain! What in the hell did that devil kid put in that nasty slop that he made for his dad to eat?

Knowing that his dad could get cold in the harsh winter weather of Snowmonton, Sam's son decided that some good ol' ANTI-FREEZE in the food would keep his pops nice 'n warm. If I ever had a kid that put anti-freeze in my food, I'd ship his ass off to the state ward faster than you could sing Jingle Bells. However, given the fact that they have just accidentally stumbled onto Jack Frost's one and only weakness, I guess Sam will let his son's stupidity slide just this once.

Sam goes and talks to Paul and tells him to go get all the anti-freeze he can find in his shop. I'm sure Paul will give Sam the infamous "20% discount" on this stuff too. Sam then lures a bloodied Jack Frost away from everybody else while Paul is busy collecting the anti-freeze.

After walking by several doors that have varying sexual noises going on behind them (including a goat, of course), Sam gets cornered by Jack Frost and there's no where for him to go. Jack starts to stab him with one of his icicles, and it looks like Sam might be dead as he starts to bleed, when all of a sudden Paul pulls up in his truck and honks the horn. In a heroic effort, Sam musters the energy to leap out of the window with Jack Frost in his arms and they both land in the back of Paul's truck which is now filled with anti-freeze. As you can imagine, that's pretty much the end of ol' Jack Frost.

The townsfolk then bury the bottles of the anti-freeze in hopes that Jack Frost will never be able to return, but you and I both know better than that. Why? Well, partly because they show one of the bottles of anti-freeze bubbling with rage just before the credits roll. And the other reason is... because they made a sequel. More on that soon.

All in all, Jack Frost is a highly underrated horror-comedy if you ask me. It's a film that never takes itself seriously, has great one-liners, great death scenes, funny subliminal things going on in the background, and you can tell everybody involved had a great time making it. Even Shannon Elizabeth.

the end.

-RoG-

NOW CLICK HERE TO VIEW MY REVIEW OF
JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE MUTANT KILLER SNOWMAN!

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