by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

I should explain to our younger readers that flying pre-9/11 was very different.

A fight ensues when stewardess Mary stops stewardess Sylvia from giving James some kind of green poison in a glass. Good thing it wasn't disguised as brandy, eh James?

You know what this is. Maybe it's not entirely related to the plot, but the symbolism is a lot less open to interpretation.

And just like that, it's over. A vision of Sylvia dressed as a stewardess, appearing to poison Mary and Eve's parents on a plane, followed by a catfight, and then Mr. Trent decides to leave. Then James is suddenly back in Stone Rigg cavern finding his watch.

Before James can sort out what all this means, or calm his marker boner, his butler jars him awake with his noisy table setting. On the front page of the paper, James makes an unexpected discovery.

James notices that Stone Rigg cavern look a lot like the cave in the painting of the D'ampton Worm's lair. And he's genuinely surprised when the butler explains that the cave was thought to be the one where his ancestor slew the worm. How is that surprising? You live in a village where your ancestor slew a worm, and you're surprised to learn the cave where it all took place is in the area? Did you think your relatives were itinerant worm slayers, roaming the countryside picking off worms in caves, then coming back to this one village to brag about it? How much brandy did you have last night!?

He is inspired to take the whole gang out to canvass the very same cave the search party went through the day before. He doesn't know what he's looking for, but he reassures them that he's looking for the D'ampton Worm. Mary points out that the worm was cut in half by John D'ampton (who I'm certain must have been just a big a ponce as James), but James asks rhetorically, "Ah, but what happens when you slice a worm in two?" Well, most flail around and die, but some species of flatworms can reproduce. Kinda seems like the D'ampton "Worm" is less flat and more snake-like, though. Then again, our main point of reference is a painting...

James' map of the cave indicates a drawing, so Angus takes him to see it.

Upon seeing the drawing, James immediately abandons his serious monster hunter persona in favor of dick jokes. Angus believes the drawing may suggest a hermaphrodite, capable of "the ultimate self fulfillment." It may not be worth mentioning because most of you are not as dumb as the people in this movie, but hermaphrodites cannot mate with themselves. And maybe while we're explaining local legends to James and basic biology to Angus, we can lay out the difference between worm vs. wyrm.

When James suggested that the D'ampton Worm must have eaten their father and shat out his watch, Eve decides to bail. Right through the same woods where her parents disappeared.

Casually reclined in a tree, Sylvia tells Eve that she followed a kitten into the tree and got stuck. Sylvia is such a bad liar I can't believe she doesn't punctuate every lie with a nervous giggle.

Somehow, she hypnotizes Eve and lures her back to Temple House.

Now that she doesn't have any board games to play with Eve, Sylvia moves right to the human sacrifice part. Well, first she has Eve disrobe, and then comes a bit more exposition:

Sylvia explains that she is immortal and that she had been the consort of Roman Emperor Marcus Carasius, aka the guy from those coins. What's more, she's met Eve before, when Eve was a nun in a past life. And wouldn't you know it: Eve's order built a convent over Sylvia's temple to the serpent god Dionin, which in turn led to the destruction of said convent. She also takes a couple shots at Jesus, who does seem a bit weak by comparison. Sure, Jesus can make Tim Tebow a middling NFL player, but Dionin made Sylvia an immortal snake woman with paralyzing venom. Who would you sacrifice a virgin to?

Oh yes, in case you hadn't guessed it from Kevin, Sylvia needs a virgin sacrifice for Dionin. To wit, she grabs a giant pointed ivory... something.

Entirely off camera Sylvia "confirms" Eve's virginity and announces she'll be a live sacrifice to Dionin. First, though, she needs to come up with a decent excuse as to why she parted ways with her friends and then disappeared forever. As we've seen, Sylvia is a terrible liar and she struggles to come up with an explanation, but she settles with Eve saying she's leaving for London for a few days because of the stress.

Passing yet another ivory dildo on the bar, Eve picks up the phone and calls Mary. Sylvia orders her to make the call convincing. Eve is unable to do that.

Catching sight of her own crappy crucifix ring, Eve snaps out of her hypnosis. Unfortunately, all she thinks to say to Mary is, "Dionin!"

Honestly, Sylvia, it's your own fault for bewitching someone too stupid to make a convincing phone call. She puts Eve down with a faceful of venom and it's time for a mini-nightmare:

I mean, sure.

Meanwhile, Mary is now quite concerned about her sister being both missing and screaming strange names over the phone. Angus offers to call the train station to ask about here, but in a display of sheer stiff upper lip-edness, Mary says, "I don't like to fuss." Sure, it wouldn't do to embarrass yourself in the search for your last remaining family member. Nevertheless, she does make an excruciatingly long call to the station and finds out Mary is not there.

Angus reveals that Dionin was the deity of an ancient pagan cult, and James puts the rest of the pieces together: the snake mosaic and skull at Mercy Farm indicates the cult must have been in the area, Temple House was the site of said cult's temple (which he apparently did not know despite his family's considerable history in the area), and Sylvia Marsh is at the center of all this because he saw her playing Snakes and Ladders.

I wish I was kidding about any of this.

And then, as if that last bit of reasoning didn't stretch the very bounds of believability, the very next scene is James at his manor selecting snake charming music from his father's record collection to blare out of the speakers he's placed on the roof.

Where on earth did he get this idea, because I sure don't remember him getting a telegram from dumb old Kevin explaining the potency of his harmonica? Was there some message about charming snake monsters in that bar song from earlier in the movie? And forget all that, how are the rest of the villagers going to react to him playing snake charming music all night?

Well good thing it works perfectly!

Okay. Lots of questions.

Why is she in a giant basket? Why are they dinosaur toys strewn about? Why is this even somehow working!?

Man, is it working! She's just going to shimmy all the way over to James' place as long as that music plays!

Oh, Angus and Mary are there, too. Yes, this whole plan is really coming together. Amidst the loud, constantly-playing snake charmer music, Angus discovers a bust of Emperor Carasius in Sylvia's vestibule. The same one on all of the coins he found back at the dig!

There's still plenty more
Lair of the White Worm to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 4!