The Lair Of The White Worm!
by: Dr. Boogie


And... a statue of a mongoose. I mean obviously, right? All sorts of signs pointing to something snake-related going on. Oh, and she was FUCKING HYPNOTIZED BY SNAKE CHARMING MUSIC!!! Maybe that kind of trumps taxidermy as a sign that there's something off about this woman!?

In a back room, the two of them find another woman watching a snake handler on TV. Wouldn't you know it, the woman is Mary and Eve's mother who disappeared all those years ago. I guess she wasn't on that plane after all!

No sign of dad, though. Just as well. Gives Mary and her mom more time to get caught up.

Neither of them saw that coming. Especially not Angus because he forgot to wear his glasses. Perhaps that's why it takes him a minute to grab a log out of the fireplace and scare off Mary's mom.

By now, Eve is probably used to venom-induced nightmares, but not Mary.

Eve's were downright insightful, giving her a glimpse at her former life as a nun. Mary, on the other hand, just gets a vision of herself getting impaled on those ivory dildos. In both cases, the unifying theme is impalement.

Angus seizes upon the idea to suck the poison out of Mary's neck. This does not work in real life, by the way. Please do not try to suck the venom out of a snakebite, no matter how Oedipal the scenario.

It's not really clear if sucking out the poison worked, but if every other snake myth is true, why not that one? I mean look at all the venom he got:

Hey, easy there. Don't knock over the ivory dildo!

Angus calls James to tell him how well the plan is working, apart from Mary being poisoned and there being a second snake woman now on the loose. Instead, the butler answers and relays the message to James because god forbid Angus wait two extra seconds to talk with the guy coordinating the monster hunt.

James attempts to call the police over but the power goes out mid-call. Then the butler screams, and a curiously loud hiss is heard. Time for the backup plan.

Here's hoping James can draw on that ancient worm slayer bloodline.

All right! Looking...


Cutting her in half seems to have been more of an annoyance than anything. Just like the common earthworm!

James runs out of the room and finds the butler dead from a bite. At that moment, the power comes back on, although strangely the music doesn't. Seems someone snuck in, stole the record, and got back out. It couldn't have been the mother because she was killing the butler at the time, so it must have been Sylvia, but how could she have broken free of the record's control, made her way to the record player in a huge manor she's never been to before, and stolen the record during the ten seconds that James was out of the room?

No time to think about that, though. James races back into the room with the flailing bifurcated snake woman to answer a phone call. It's Angus. Calling from the farm.

The movie never really establishes the exact distance separating Temple House from Mercy Farm. That in mind, Angus has transported Mary's twitching body from Temple House to Mercy Farm in the time between the two phone calls he made to James. That time: 1 minute and 30 seconds. Usain Bolt with two smaller Usain Bolts tied to his feet couldn't have covered that distance, but this mealy-mouthed archeologist towing an unconscious woman had no problem with it.

But enough time travel. James reassures Angus that he'll be perfectly fine at his manor alone. I mean at most, there's like one killer snake woman on the loose.

Oh right, I forgot about Mary's half-mother.

The next day, or the next week (it doesn't matter), Mary regains consciousness and you know what? That snakebite is barely noticeable.

Maybe a little concealer on those blackened neck holes wouldn't hurt.

Constable Erny shows up to collect Mary so she can identify her mother's body that they recovered from D'ampton Hall. Something about him makes him seem... untrustworthy.

Like he's got one eye on Mercy Farm and one eye on Temple House.

Erny explains that they found her mother and the butler at D'ampton Hall, though no mention of the huge snakebite on the butler's neck. Mary can't help noticing they aren't heading to the police station, and Erny tells her he's picking up Sylvia for questioning. He wants to keep an eye on both of them. That's why one of them has to sit in front, and the other in back.

After a time exceeding one-and-a-half minutes, Erny's fake ass police car arrives at Temple House. He asks Mary to come with him because what better way to nab a murder suspect than to bring in a tow-headed coed to run interference? Mary notices a bandage on his wrist, which must indicate something. She decides to make a break for it, but the gates shut before she can get out. Erny chases her into a trench running along the manor and suddenly she's trapped between two snakes.

The snake man Erny has got Mary in his sights. Along with some moldy bricks. He has a lazy eye. One eye is not pointed where it ought to be. This is very distracting, especially with snake contact lenses.

As if this situation couldn't get any worse, we're treated to some impromptu bagpipe music.

Fine, he decided to bring his bagpipes from Scotland in case he got homesick. Why the kilt?

It's not hypnotizing Erny like the snake charmer music, but it does seem to annoy the piss out of him. He ignores Mary and pursues Angus into the back yard.

Oh, my mistake. The bagpipe melody is hypnotic, but only at about three feet (or one meter!) and only when he's directly facing Erny.

Eventually Angus runs out of breath, and then the struggle begins. He's able to hold Erny at bay with the pipes, but only until Erny reaches down and knocks them aside. Thank goodness Sylvia's love of everything snake-related extended to her sun dials!

Angus gives Erny a push and...

Oh no! That was the good eye!

Angus moves onto playing through the manor because hell, if it barely worked on Erny, why shouldn't it barely work on Sylvia? He stops for a bit and produces a syringe from his kilt. Good thinking, Angus, a little heroin will definitely calm you down in time for the final confrontation.

There's still plenty more
Lair of the White Worm to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 5!


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