by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Back with Drac, he's got the Wolfman all tied up and sedated while still in human form. Little does he know, that Wolfie didn't really swallow the sedative pills. As soon as Dracula leaves the room to go "have a bite" with some young women he imprisoned, Wolfie makes a run for it. Wolfie finds his way to a phone booth and calls Sean's dad, who's a cop from the same police station that he was shot at the other night.

Unfortunately, nobody's going to listen to a guy who sounds like a raving madman on the phone when he tells them about the evils over at 666 Shadowbrook Road (the address of Dracula's Mansion) and then does proceeds to do this...

HE'S GONNA KILL YOUR SON!

While he starts transforming into the werewolf, he spits up some nasty white viscous fluid. I don't know exactly what the stuff coming out of his mouth is supposed to be, so I'll just hope that Wolfie recently got into a can of white gravy and leave it at that.

Elsewhere, Patrick and Rudy are spying on his sister when Rudy proclaims, "This babe is major." For you ladies out there, that's about the most flattering compliment you could get from a badass like Rudy. Back near the Monster Squad clubhouse, Eugene's dog knocks his Twinkie into the swamp. When he goes to grab it, the Creature from the Black Lagoon pops up from out of the water and scares the crap out of him. A mummy in his closet and the creature stealing his Twinkie? That kid is gonna be in therapy for years...

Back at the Monster Squad clubhouse, Patrick's older sister is up there and both Patrick and Rudy are trying to ask her if she's a virgin or not. Patrick beats around the bush for a while, coughing just before he says the word "virgin" each time. Rudy finally blurts out the question, "Look, what your brother is so delicately attempting to inquire is the degree to which you may have or have not, at some point in time... been dorked." So now we know that "dork" means "penis" and "dorked" means "had sex". Oh Monster Squad; how lost would we now be in this confusing adult world of ours without you?

Just when she's about to go off on them for being sickos, Rudy holds up the nude photo that Frankenstein took of her. It's obvious that they're gonna bribe her to help them out with the monsters unless she wants her nude photos put on display at school.

Over at Dracula's mansion, Frankenstein, Sean, Horace and Eugene all enter the house in search of the amulet which can help them open up the vortex to rid the world of the monsters at midnight. Dracula is in the basement setting off some charges so that he can clear away the rest of the wall and get to the amulet. He hears the Monster Squad guys upstairs and accidentally lets the charges go off early. This causes some of the ceiling to collapse right on top of Frankenstein, knocking him unconscious. Damn, and that was the only advantage they had going in there... one monster on their side.

Sean knows that they must keep moving, so he tells the guys, "Look, I'm the leader of this squad. Dracula knows we're here, so let's just try to find the amulet and get the hell outta here." Bold words from a bold man... er... kid. Just then, Wolfman jumps out at then and Sean screams to Horace, "Kick him in the nards!" Horace responds, "He doesn't have nards!" But Sean keeps urging him to do it. And do it he does. It is at this point that we witness the most quoted moment from this entire movie:

With a mighty swing of his leg, Horace kicks Wolfman directly in the nards. Stunned to see that it actually did damage, Horace proclaims, "Wolfman's got nards!" Classic!

When referring to my testicles, as I constantly like to do, I will never again call them "testicles" or "balls" or "gonads" or "Thelma & Louise" or any of the pet names I've adopted for them over the years. It's "Nards" or nothing from now on. "Nards" is an amazing word that somehow vanished from our everyday vernacular after the '80s. Well no more I say, NO MORE! I am officially declaring that "NARDS" is making a long overdue comeback. Don't like it? Tough luck buddy boy; take it up with my nards.

Don't do it for me. Do it for Horace.

With Wolfman distracted by what one could only describe as nardular pain, the Monster Squad guys run down the hallway, only to come face to face with the three prisoner girls that Dracula took a bite out of earlier on. And yeah, in case you hadn't guessed, they're all vampires now. So they run back the other way and realize that they're cornered, so Sean starts grabbing random parts of a statue in hope that it will activate a secret doorway just like in the Hardy Boys books!

It does.

They fall down into the basement, and wouldn't ya know it, they land right next to where the amulet is! Sean grabs the amulet and gets ready to leave, only to be grabbed by the big bad bat...

Dracula starts choking the crap out of him, but thanks to some quick thinking by Horace the mighty, Sean is able to escape when Horace slaps Dracula in the face with a piece of pizza that's topped with garlic. Dracula releases Sean as he screams in pain and the Monster Squad boys escape with the amulet! Way to go Horace!

So the Zombie Squad members somehow meet up all at once with Scary German Guy and Patrick's older sister. Don't you love how that stuff always happens in the movies? People will all be in completely different places, then something dramatic happens, and then all of a sudden they manage to bump into each other in the middle of the night. Amazing.

With the amulet in hand, they decide to go back to the church in town, figuring it will be the safest place for them to stay until midnight. But as they're driving, the Mummy crosses their path and jumps onto their car in a totally uncharacteristic feat of mobility.

Rudy, being the only one besides Scary German Guy who's not completely freaked out by the Mummy, grabs a piece of his mummy cloth and ties it to one of his arrows. He then fires the arrow into a tree while Scary German Guy keeps driving the car. The result? Mr. Mummy completely unravels until there's nothing left but a skull. To add insult to injury, Rudy shouts "See ya later, band-aid breath!"

Ouch! Some verbal jabs you just can't recover from no matter how witty you are. That was one such jab.

Dracula, now furious that his plans for global domination could be thwarted by some meddling kids, decides to take matters into his own hands rather than relying on his lackeys to do the job. He pulls up to Sean's house in a hearse, grabs some dynamite out of the trunk and throws it into the Monster Squad's clubhouse.

Yep. You read that right. Dracula just blew up a kid's clubhouse... with dynamite. Name one other horror movie that has ol' vampy doing THAT! Oh but there's more.

When the cops pull up to the house, Drac whips out another stick of dynamite and chucks it underneath the patrol car! Sean's father dives out of the way just before it explodes. Unfortunately his partner (aka: "expendable random black guy") is not so lucky. Before he gets blown to pieces, he calls on the dispatch to report a 10-35. So for all of you ten-code enthusiasts out there, when you hear a cop report a 10-35, it means "A psychotic vampire armed with dynamite is on the loose."

So in less than a minute, we've seen Dracula destroy a clubhouse and a police patrol car with dynamite. Man, they're really pulling out all the stops towards the end of the movie. After the explosion, Dracula morphs into a bat and starts heading back towards the center of town where the Monster Squad was headed.

Oh but there's more!
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OF THE MONSTER SQUAD TRIBUTE!