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Mutsu: The Curious Little Fish!

[Click here for results of the recent Mutsu Contest!]

Currently, I work at an EB GameWorld store. It's not the best job in the world by any means... doesn't pay anything amazing and the company only gives a measly 10% discount (cheap bastards). But, there are still some advantages of working there. Aside from getting to work with some cool people and being surrounded by video games that I'm addicted to, anytime there's a price drop on an item in the store I'm one of the first people to have a chance to buy it. Video games, DVDs, and of course my first love...

TOYS!

And that brings brings me to the topic of today's piece:
"MUTSU: The Curious Little Fish!"

It's Mutsu!!!
Meet Mutsu.

He was originally going for $29.99 in the store but recently went down to $4.99. Now just look at him for a second. If you had a chance to buy something so disgustingly cute for $4.99 wouldn't you? It's one of those things that's so cute you don't know whether to cherish it or smash it into a thousand pieces. So, I bought two of them just in case I did feel the urge to destroy one.

So what exactly is Mutsu? Well, he's an "electronic aqua pet". For those of you who want a pet that really requires practically no maintenance, Mutsu is probably right up your alley. I've had fish tanks before, and if I didn't kill the fish by letting the PH balance of the water get so far off that it burned my fingers when I touched it, the algae grew so thick that I couldn't even see the fish. Ok I'm exaggerating, but my fish tank was by no means the cleanest tank out there. I mean really, who wants to clean out a fish tank when you can watch a re-runs of Danger Mouse?

With Mutsu, the only thing you really have to do is replace the batteries once in a blue moon and fill up his little home with water. The water seems to dry up fairly quick, so I was thinking that Mutsu was drinking it in an attempt to kill himself. But I'm getting ahead of myself here, first let's start from the beginning when you take Mutsu out of the box and start to read the instructions.

Let's be realistic, none of you would really read the instructions now would you.
How many pets do YOU know of that come with instructions, eh?

First thing you have to do is put three C-size batteries in the base of Mutsu's home. Funny thing though, in the "To Ensure Proper Function" section, it states, "Do not dispose of batteries in fire, batteries may explode or leak." I don't know about you people, but I tend to throw my batteries in the trash. I never associated them with kindle, but apparently someone out there has, and thus we see this warning in the instructions. Also, why did they include this warning in the "To Ensure Proper Function" section? I mean, if you throw dead batteries into the fireplace, that's not going to really do anything to the Mutsu toy itself. Unless you throw the Mutsu toy into the fire with the batteries, then I can see how the performance of Mutsu might be sub-par.

The other warning is about Mutsu being a choking hazard. So remember kids...

Don't eat me! :(
Mutsu is a choking hazard. Do not eat Mutsu...
(even though he probably tastes really, REALLY good in a nice butter sauce.)

Moving on, we have to insert the tray into the base of the unit and then add the cave where Mutsu spends most of his time hiding from the world. You also add in some plastic seaweed pieces to it. There are two large pieces of seaweed and then one small one. Well, I *think* the small one is supposed to be seaweed, but if you ask me, they just had some extra plastic left over from the original mold so they decided to add it in. If Mutsu could speak English, he'd probably tell you to remove that little piece of plastic from his home before he takes a fishy little shit on it.

USELESS!!!!@%(*!!!@(%!*!
"WE HATE YOU, USELESS PLASTIC PIECE!"

The final step to getting Mutsu ready for action is to fill the tray with water. Now before you get all "water happy", the instructions warn us: "WARNING: To ensure proper function please do not exceed the water limit line." So apparently, unlike real fish, if you put too much water in the tray, Mutsu will drown. Then again, like I said before, he's so cute that you want to kill him 50% of the time. So drowning him may very well be a viable option at some point for you.

Ok, so you've got the tray filled up with water, now drop Mutsu into the tray inside his cave and turn the switch on the side to the "On" position (no really!?). Mutsu isn't doing shit. Well that's because "like a real pet" you have to interact with Mutsu and gain his trust. I think this is Tiger Electronics' way of trying to convince us that this is just as good as a real pet instead of a cold, heartless, computer activated robofish. Whatever.

Come out damnit! I just spent 5 bucks on you! Entertain me!
Come on Mutsu! Stop hiding in that damned cave!

So in order for you to see Mutsu progress through 4 stages of development (the 4th and final stage behind the one where he escapes his tray and slits your throat while you sleep) there are several ways for you to interact with him. First he reacts to light. Turn the lights off and his cave will light up and he'll make a goofy little noise. Turn the lights on and his cave will light up and he'll make a goofy little noise. ACTION PACKED!

DOOOOOOM!
Kind of looks like an evil eye of doom when it lights up in the dark.

Another way to interact with him is to talk to Mutsu. There's a mic on the base of the unit so that Mutsu can hear what you're saying. Now for the first stage Mutsu barely even shows his face. He's too shy to come out. And believe me folks, I tried everything. I offered him money, fame, and even a Mutstitute (that's Mutsu-talk for "prostitute" in case you were wondering). Nothing seemed to work. Then when I broke down into tears over my failed attempts to gain his trust, the little bastard came out of his cave and said, "Eeeeeeeeeeee!".

Yes, "Eeeeeeeeeeee!". Apparently that's what he says whenever he is happy, and my tears were obviously the key to keeping him happy. A fish that loves to see me in pain. Great. Why did I pay $4.99 for this again?

The final way to coax Mutsu to come out is by "feeding" him. There are three feeding buttons on the unit. Each button has a picture on it. There's a worm, a fish, and a grasshopper. When you press the button it makes a clanky sound and Mutsu comes running out of his cave with excitement. But nothing happens. No food is actually given to Mutsu. Pretty cruel eh? So they're not really "feeding buttons" as the box would like you to believe. They're actually "taunt the poor starving fish" buttons.

Hey! That's not funny! FEEEEEED MEEEEEEE! >:(
"Watch Mutsu cry as you taunt him with fake food!"

Well, regardless of the constant food taunting that he has to endure, Mutsu seems to have a real positive outlook on life. He can take a good mocking better than most humans can. Hell, sometimes when you taunt him with food he'll come out of his cave and DO A DANCE RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!

Go Mutsu, Go Mutsu, Go! Go Mutsu, Go Mutsu, Go!
DANCE DANCE MUTSU REVOLUTION!

I shit you not, he'll bust out a crazy dance beat and just start dancing to the rhythm without a care in the world. He might be a cold, heartless piece of plastic without the qualities that most "real" pets have... but I challenge any of you to get your fish to come out and "bust-a-move" for you like Mutsu can.

So Mutsu continues to develop and trust you more, making more ridiculous sounds as time progresses. The box says you can have fun watching Mutsu "explore" his world. Well, his world is just slightly larger than my hand, I don't think it's gonna take him too long to explore. There is good news though, for even though his world is small, Mutsu isn't alone in his tray. In addition to a cave and seaweed, Mutsu has a little friend that he can interact with: MICHI.

"Kill me quickly before Mutsu molests me again! PLEASE!"
And all this time I thought Mutsu had it bad. Poor Michi. :(

I still haven't figured out what the hell Michi is supposed to be, but I'm guessing he wants to die. First off, he's constantly being sexually harassed by Mutsu. Mutsu will rub up on Michi and make "kissy" sounds when he passes by. I really feel bad for Michi. I mean, he looks like a piece of corn. You just can't have a respectable existence when you look like a piece of corn. But that's not the worst of it, as if looking like a jolly green giant product wasn't bad enough, Michi is BOLTED INTO THE GROUND. That's right. You can't pick up him. You can't remove Michi from Mutsu's domain in an attempt to rescue him from a lifetime of sexual harassment. All he can do is try to turn away from Mutsu, but in the end, Michi is utterly defenseless against Mutsu's perversions. Yeah, those animal rights people will protest a fur coat store, but are they around to answer the cries of Michi? No, they're most certainly not.

Battle against other Mutsu!
MUTSU ON GAMEBOY ADVANCE!
[click here to see more highlights of the game (in Japanese)]

On a separate note: I recently found out that there is a Mutsu game in Japan for the Gameboy Advance. First a Domo-Kun game and now this. I REALLY need to get one of those systems sometime soon. I missing out on too much.

Well, moving on... we've basically got everything about Mutsu covered. We've talked about Mutsu's disgusting cuteness, the crazy sounds he makes during the 4 stages of his development, the food taunts, the dancing, and the sexual abuse of Michi. Now all of this sounds like a pretty great deal for just $4.99, but there's something that the box nor the instructions warn us about...

MUTSU IS REALLY ALIVE!

You see, with most electronic toys when you turn the switch to the "OFF" position, they stop moving. You know, they "turn off" like they're supposed to. Well, Mutsu apparently doesn't give a shit if you want to turn him off or not. He's going to swim around and dance and make all the psychotic sounds for as long as he wants. I am not kidding here folks. I'll turn the switch to the "OFF" position and sometimes 2 minutes later he'll still be making noises. It scares the hell outta me.

The other night I was fast asleep in bed and all of a sudden Mutsu decided to come out of his cave. But he wasn't the normal cute Mutsu that practically rapes Michi... nope, this was a truly evil Mutsu. His eyes were glowing white while everything else was bright red. He looked like he was a messenger from Satan. But nothing... nothing could prepare me for what was going to come next. He spoke to me, and not in with his usual "Eeeeeeeeeeee!" sounds either. He spoke in plain english:

THE MUTSINATOR!
"ROGER, I AM HERE TO KILL YOU.
I AM A M-1000 MODEL CYBORG, SENT FROM THE FUTURE.
I can't be bargained with! I can't be reasoned with!
I don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear.
And I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!"

Mutsu then jumped out of his tray and started to head towards me. I was convinced that my life was about to end. Luckily, I had "Snish" (an old Boglins toy from the 80's) come to my rescue.

It's Snish to the rescue!!!
SNISH TRIES TO SAVE THE DAY!

Snish the fish and Mutsu started duking it out, and the fight was extremely brutal, but I couldn't stay around to see who won. Considering Mutsu is a cyborg from the future and Snish is a toy from the 80's, I think Mutsu will be the victor. And let's face it. If Mutsu won the battle against Snish, he would come for me next in order to complete his mission. That's just not something I can take the chance of. So I left my apartment and I'm not going back for a long time. So if any of you need to get in touch with me, I'll be hiding out in my apartment complex's laundry room from now on.

Maybe I can fit in the laundry machines! He'll never find me in there!
"HE'S GONNA GET ME! I JUST KNOW IT!"

But what if, just what if Snish was able to defeat Mutsu? Would I be safe? Could I return to my apartment and sleep well once again? I think not... for Mutsu's are being created by the thousands and they can be dispatched to come kill me at any moment and there's no way Snish could fight them all.

And even worse... Mutsu can bring his FRIENDS to help!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

the end.

-RoG-


BONUS!!!

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A
VIDEO OF MUTSU IN ACTION!


[Click here for results of the recent Mutsu Contest!]


BONUS CONTEST!
WIN A MUTSU OF YOUR VERY OWN!

*THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED*
[Click here for results of the recent Mutsu Contest!]

Contest Info:

If you actually read this whole article, you might remember me saying I bought an extra Mutsu. Well guess what? I'm going to be giving one away two one lucky winner! All you have to do is flex your artistic skills (or lack thereof) a little bit.

As you know, Mutsu was sent here to kill me. But what would Mutsu look like if he came with some kind of crazy weaponry/armor/vehicles/etc. All of these things would help him kill his target much easier. So, all you have to do is draw a picture of Mutsu with whatever crazy weapons, armor, etc. that you can think of.  You can even show Mutsu killing somebody with all the gore and carnage you like! Mmmm, gore. And remember, you don't have to be an amazing artist to enter the contest. ANYBODY can enter.

Even if you don't win, fret not, for your work will not have gone to waste. I will be displaying ALL of the entries here on the site for the world to see. Ok well not the entire world, just the sick and demented inhabitants. Hrm... yeah I guess that is the whole world. Ok, now for the contest details/rules/etc...

THE RULES:

  • Enter as many times as you like!

  • Entries can be in color or b&w.

  • You can draw your entries on paper and scan them in or you can draw them on the computer using a program like Photoshop or Paint. It doesn't matter to us.

  • "Photoshopping" (ie: creating photo collages) is allowed, but if you're going to do that, it's gotta be damned good if it's gonna have a chance to compete with the hand-drawn artwork in other entries.

  • Your Mutsu Drawing file(s) MUST be in .GIF or .JPG format.

  • If you need more pics of Mutsu for reference, you can go here (keep in mind though, the site is not in English, but you can still find your way around it).

  • Entries will be judged on Humor and Creativity.

  • You can either send me a link to your entry/entries on your own server or you can just email them to me. Email your entries to webmaster@i-mockery.com

  • Contest Deadline is Sunday, July 21st, 2002.

  • Winners will be contacted via email and then prizes will be sent out shortly after.

THE PRIZES:

  • 1st Place - A BRAND NEW MUTSU OF YOUR VERY OWN STILL IN THE BOX!

  • 2nd Place - 3 stickers of your choice from our sticker store!

  • 3rd Place - 1 sticker of your choice from our sticker store!

  • 4th Place - Jack shit. You should have tried harder, slacker.

So that's all there is to it! Start drawing your psycho Mutsu fish complete with whatever crazy weapons 'n stuff that you can come up with, and you just might win a Mutsu of your very own! Good luck to all of you and let the carnage via Mutsu begin!

*THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED*
[Click here for results of the recent Mutsu Contest!]


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