by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

So, the cops arrive on the scene and Johnny's body is shown with its face split wide open. Detective Cameron says "Thrill Me" once again, so they lift up the sheet to reveal Johnny's mangled face. A thrill indeed! After seeing it, he has some more flashbacks of '59. I have a sneaking suspicion that our favorite detective took the law into his own hands...

The next day, Chris and J.C. run into Brad and company. Brad informs them that their little prank was not cool because they were supposed to leave the corpse at a rival fraternity, not at the sorority house. Since Chris has no spine, J.C. explains to Brad that they chickened out and didn't even pull off the prank. Brad then kicks J.C.'s crutches out from underneath him, causing him to fall down. "Sorry dorks, don't take it personal." Cynthia witnesses this and she's finally come to her senses and breaks up with Brad is classic style...

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP! YOU DONE GOT TOLD, BRAD!

After that amazing wind-up finger action, Chris and J.C. are brought into police headquarters where Cameron interrogates them with his usual pissed off, hardened cop demeanor. He doesn't even address them by their real names and instead refers to them as "Spanky and Alfalfa". I repeat, Detective Cameron is the man. With him is Mr. Miner, the midnight janitor who saw them running out of the university lab, screaming like banshees. J.C. tries to explain that they didn't do the prank, "I personally would rather have my brains invaded by creatures from space than pledge a fraternity." Wouldn't we all, J.C., wouldn't we all. Be careful what you wish for though, J.C., it just might come true. Chris explains that they did actually try to steal the corpse but chickened out, and then the janitor turns to them and laughs, "screaming like banshees!" Chris continues to explain while the detective looks out the window, clearly wondering just what in the hell is happening around here. Not Mr. Miner though... he just continues to laugh to himself, "Screaming like banshees! Haha!"

Later that night at the morgue (also located in the school), the naked and bloodied corpse of the scientist gets up and walks right on out, past the mortician and a security guard. Guess they see that sort of thing all the time, eh? We then see Mr. Miner, pushing his mop down the floors, still laughing to himself, "Screaming like banshees! Haha!" Good god, I love this man. If the simple things like that amused me to the same extent, life would be a hell of a lot more fun on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the good times come to an abrupt end for our friend Mr. Miner when he's attacked by walking zombie corpse of the scientist. They don't show it on camera, but it's safe to assume that some Creeps were spit into his throat and he'll soon be a zombie too.

Meanwhile, we see a few shots of the creeps running around near sorority row and then the Bradster calling for Cynthia. She tells him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and he then shouts, "...that's what I get for going out with a fucking psyche major, isn't it?" Wow Brad, looks like you're 0 for 2 with Cynthia now.

Downstairs, we see the same girl studying in the living room, and she hears the same noise outside her door, so she goes to see if it's her cat, Gordon. Oh it's her cat alright... a ZOMBIE CAT! If there's one thing we need to see more of in horror films, it has got to be zombie cats.

Back at his home, we see the detective looking over old crime scene photos from that 1959 incident while boozing it up, but then the phone rings and he answers... yep, you guessed it... "Thrill me." We then see him and fellow officers looking at the corpse of the scientist lying on the floor with his head split open in the same fashion as Johnny's corpse. Unfortunately, they don't notice the guilty Creeps squiggling away on the hallway floor.

Elsewhere, Chris receives an unexpected guest at his door... it's Cynthia and she wants to go for a walk! Of course, J.C. tags along, pretty much ensuring that Chris and Cynthia can't get to know each other better. Fortunately, he soon realizes that Chris will be ok on his own and decides to go take a leak so they can spend a little time alone. Cynthia then confides in Chris that she believes a zombie visited her and that "slugs or something" exploded out of its head. Just nod your head Chris, it's the only way you'll have a chance with her.

While J.C. is in the bathroom stall, which has some excellent graffiti on it I might ad ("STRYPER RULES!"), Mr. Miner's zombified corpse collapses to the ground of the bathroom floor and a bunch o' Creeps spill out of his noggin. For whatever reason, he decides to light a matchbook on fire, and then places it on the ground. A Creep runs into it and dies instantly. But there are many more Creeps in there still, one of which crawls up his pant leg. You know what they say... the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the fastest way to a man's brain is through his sphincter. Poor J.C.

I should also mention that there's some additional graffiti on the wall which reads "Go Monster Squad!", a nice nod to Dekker's "The Monster Squad" film.

After Chris drops off Cynthia at her sorority house (you didn't actually think he was gonna score already, did you?), he's approached by Detective Cameron who remarks, "Zombies... exploding heads... creepy crawlies... and a date for the formal. This is classic, Spanky!" He and Span... er... Chris go back to his house and they both talk about their old high school sweethearts who left them. "I found her in the car, and on the road, and in the woods... your high school sweetheart went on with her life... mine got hacked up by a nutcase with an axe." In other words, you don't have SHIT to be depressed about, Chris.

He then confesses to Chris about what happened next:

"It wasn't what you call your routine policework either."

"What would you call it?"

"Revenge. You see, I tracked him, during my off hours."

"By yourself?"

"Oh no no no... I took my 12 gauge with me. I tracked him and I found him. And when I found him, I leveled off that shotgun right at his chest. Spanky, guess what happened next?"

"Should you be telling me this?"

"Close. I pulled the trigger."

"That's all really exciting and everything but, listen, I've got a midterm and--"

"I wrapped his body in a plastic bag and buried him in a vacant lot. The lot right behind your girlfriend's sorority. Of course, it isn't a vacant lot anymore. Now house mother's cottage is sitting right on top of it."

"Look detective, now I don't mean to be rude or anything, but other than just kinda wanting to confess to a murder, is there a point to this story?"

"Spanky... that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out."

You'll be hard pressed to find better dialogue in a horror movie. Absolutely perfect. And how does one follow up such perfect dialogue? You show the sorority house mother watching Plan 9 From Outerspace on her TV set and then have the reanimated zombie corpse of that axe-wielding maniac hack his way up through her floorboards, that's how. Yep, some Creeps found their way into his body and now he's back for more blood. Of course, the house mother doesn't even ATTEMPT to move while he's hacking his way through her floor, she just sits there and stares in awe. In other words, yeah... she basically deserved to have that axe embedded in her skull.

Shortly after, Cameron's phone rings, and right after he says "thrill me", a look of terror comes over him. He grabs his shotgun, then he and Chris hightail it over to where the house mother's body was just found. The mortician is there, eating food and making wisecracks. I don't know exactly why, but I think it's some sort of movie requirement to have any mortician eating food while dealing with corpses. Sure, it demonstrates that seeing dead people don't disturb them in the slightest, but do they always have to be eating food? Couldn't they have a mortician playing a game of jacks on a dead person's corpse or something for a change?

Well anyway, two cops are patrolling the streets in search of the killer and boy do they ever find him. He tries to hack them apartment when their car speeds off just in the nick of time. They make the call in to the detective that they have the psycho axe zombie cornered in an alleyway.

"I already killed you, you son of a bitch, I already killed you." The psycho then turns around to reveal his rotted face, which smiles at Cameron. Naturally, he responds by blasting the zombie's face to smithereens and they finally see the Creeps squirm away when the head explodes.

Now cut to a corny montage of the sorority sisters bathing and getting ready for the big dance while the Creeps crawl around in their yard. We also see the pricks from the Beta frat, getting stoked for their big night out with the ladies.

Back in his dorm room, Chris finds a tape player from J.C. waiting for him. When he plays it, he hears a depressing message from J.C., "Chris, there's one inside me. It got in through my mouth. I can feel it... it's in my brain. I don't have a pulse or a heartbeat... I think I'm dead. I killed one. I lit a match to it. It seems fire will kill them. I'm goin to the furnace room in the basement. If I don't come back, heat will kill them. I walked Chris, all by myself, I walked. I love you. Good luck with Cynthia."

After that macabre message, Chris dashes down to the furnace and finds J.C.'s body lying on the ground near the furnace, his head split open and a bunch of dead Creeps sizzling on the floor. In all honesty, I would father see Chris kick the bucket and J.C. fight the good fight against the Creeps. He's the brighter of the two characters, and having him overcome his personal handicaps would make him even more of a hero in the end. Oh well, I guess we're stuck with "Spanky".

Meanwhile, the brothers from the Beta fraternity are all hopping onto their booze bus. A party mobile where they can chug away from their collective beer steins while being transported to see their sorority sister dates. Brad, however, is not amongst them. No, he's hanging outside Cynthia's sorority house, downing some brewskies and clearly shocked that she would dump "The Bradster".

After calling her a bitch, he notices one of the Creeps slide into a nearby bush. When he kneels down to check it out, the dog which belonged to the sorority house mother approaches him and... OH NO! IT'S A ZOMBIE DOG! Unlike the zombie cat, which just twitched and growled, this zombie dog spits out a Creep directly into the Bradster's mouth.

Next, Chris shows up at the Cameron's house and cries, "They got Alfalfa!" HAHAHAHA, even he can't address his recently deceased friend by his real name now. Why? Because he's come to realize just how awesome everything that comes out of Detective Ray Cameron's mouth truly is. Cameron left the gas on in house house and was going to kill himself, but Chris showing up and explaining how the Creeps incubate in your brain gives him a renewed sense of purpose. Now it's killing time!

But before Cameron can kill some creeps, we cut back to the frat guys riding on their booze bus. It's all a fun mobile party until that damned zombie dog darts out in front of the bus, causing the driver to swerve and crash. And man oh man is he ever surprised about it:

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Soon, Ray and Chris pay a little visit to the police armory where he decides to check out a flamethrower. Of course, when Detective Ray Cameron "checks out" a flamethrower, he doesn't sign for it... he puts a shotgun to your face and demands that you hand it over. Yes indeed, Cameron is not one a man who has time to deal with paperwork. This is a man who understands that justice waits for nobody! I should also note that Walt Wolf (hell of a name), the guy working in the Armory is the one and only Dick Miller. Having his classic mug on screen is always a guaranteed way to make your film better.

Anyway, back at the scene of the booze bus accident, the zombie dog looks at the carnage, admiring his work, and then enters the bus so that the Creeps reanimate all the dead Beta frat guys. One has to wonder though, are they any less intelligent now that they're dead? HAR! HAR! Oh how I crack myself up...

There's still more madness to Night of the Creeps!
Click here to continue onward to page 3!