Features

Santa's Slay
by: Dr. Boogie

It's Christmas time once again here at I-Mockery, and that can only mean one thing: killing spree. But not just any kind of killing spree. In the past, we've seen Christmas movies where a guy dressed as Santa is the main culprit, and we've seen films where killers kill people using Christmas icons like ornaments and Christmas lights, but what about a film where Santa himself, and not just some schmuck in a suit, is the killer? That's what I have for you today: a yuletide film featuring everyone's favorite jolly old elf as a bloodthirsty psychopath. So grab a slice of fruitcake and enjoy Santa's Slay.

The horror begins immediately as we are subjected to Fran Drescher's cleavage, and Chris Kattan, period. They, along with James Caan, and three less famous actresses (including Rebecca Gayheart), are the Mason family. Virginia (Fran Drescher) doesn't get along well with Mr. Mason, but she does get along unusually well with Jason (Chris Kattan), so much so that they start groping each other under the table. I could have gone my entire life without seeing either one of them getting groped, let along by each other. Mr. Mason threatens to give Jason the ol' fork-in-the-eye, but suddenly, there is a commotion on the roof.

A plume of dust comes out of the fireplace. The Mason's faithful dog, Miss Scribbles is the first on the scene. A home invasion this close to Christmas? Whoever could be responsible for such an act?

That beard. That red ensemble with the furry white (well, grey-white) trim. Could it be...


"Santa?"


"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

Miss Scribbles moves to intercept.

What a perfect way to... "kick" things off. This is just the beginning. After a quick somersault across the table, Santa takes a stab at Mr. Mason.

Impaled as he is to the table, Mr. Mason gets to watch as Santa takes care of the rest of the family first, starting with a quick glance at Taylor.

All it takes is a good sneer from Santa and Taylor faints dead away.

Emphasis on "dead". Partial credit to Santa for that kill. I mean, he didn't put the dog bed with the sharp bedposts right behind the table.

He takes a swig of some kind of booze, grabs a lighter, and breathes fire on Virginia. Her hair ignites immediately, as you would expect it to, I guess. This looks like a job for the second male lead from A Night at the Roxbury!


"You want some?"

And Santa does want some.

Getting back to Virginia, a burnt head isn't necessarily going to be fatal.

Drowning in eggnog, that's another story.

Gwen makes a break for it, but Santa breaks a leg off the table and gives her a Christmas thump.


"I've been good!"

Sure you have.

Beth had a good chance of getting away, having hid under the table not long after the trouble started.

People, that's why you always put an angel on top of the tree!

That just leaves Mr. Mason:

Santa crams a drumstick into his mouth and then slams his head on the table. So that the drumstick is forced down his throat, I guess. Kinda of a weak finale, but it's still a great way to open the movie.

The opening credits roll, accompanied by a montage of images showing how and why Santa is a murderous thug in this movie, but I'll get into that later on. The gist of it is that Santa is a demon who lost a bet to an angel, and as punishment, he must spend a millennium as a legendary figure that brings toys, rather than violence, to the children.

Doesn't he look like he's having a good time?

As you saw just moments ago, however, the bet is over, and now Santa's back to the kind of directionless killing I think we can all enjoy.

Our story takes place in a township of Hell. That could be part of the problem right there. Anyway, here's where we meet our first real protagonist:

Nicolaus Yuleson. He works at a delicatessen, and at the moment, he's getting chewed out by an elderly woman named Mrs. Talbot. She's got all the wit and charm of Marge Schott, but still, she gets some points for helping establish that people think Nick's grandfather was a kook, even if she did have to swear at him, his boss Mr. Green, and Mac, the girl cleaning the window display. Such a sweet old lady.

A short time later, Mrs. Talbot is cruising down a country road at a blistering 5 mph. They way she weaves from one shoulder to the opposite one might be problematic if there were people in the opposite lane, but thankfully, the road is empty, save one other driver...

It's Santa! Looks like his flying reindeer are in the shop, so he had to temporarily switch to his ground-based bison. He's not going much faster than Mrs. Talbot, and his sleigh is kicking up a lot of sparks along the road, but that isn't abating his road rage at all.

There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
Click here to continue onward to page 2!

 

Reader Comments

grants but one wish
Dec 23rd, 2008, 05:42 AM
"a legendary figure that brings toys, rather than violence, to the children." see, thats why im not asked to dress up as santa anymore im so easily confused...
Magic squirrel
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:11 PM
Where as this is [u]WHY[u]i dress up as Santa all the time
Riot Control
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:15 PM
Actually, I do believe that Santa has a deep liking for killing. I'll make sure to block all the entrances to my house tomorrow.
Movie Enthusiast
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:31 PM
This was fantastic. Is there really a sequel on the way?
Turrican't. :(
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:34 PM
The kids' heads getting blown off looks so fucking retarded, that I hope immediately after leaving the studio, the director was struck in a 4-car pileup and lived in agonizing dismembered pain until he died 2 hours later at the hospital.

I'm not really religious but if it would make that scenario happen, I'd pray for it.

Seriously, that is the shittiest special effect ever.
is hopped up on goofballs
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:46 PM
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
What Video Games?
Dec 23rd, 2008, 01:11 PM
Never mind that Goldberg is Jewish or anything...but still, killer review!
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:14 PM
I really did like this movie. Not for the acting, though Goldberg's performance as a Nordic demon Santa was absolutely top-notch (for the genre, anyway), well I guess I'd have to admit that the cast wasn't bad except for that fucking infant Nick. I love the story! It's like the pseudo-myth linking the spelling of Satan and Santa, and you can't deny the fun of it all. The meta was good, despite the black hole Nick, and some budgetary constraints.

And whatever happened to the little tags you'd put on the pictures? Those were really funny! They increased the humor index by 33%
Funky Dynamite
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:34 PM
Those things took forever to write, and after spending hours upon hours just getting the pictures ready to go for articles like this, I would run out of steam for making them up.
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:49 PM
AWESOME. This was a great B-movie. And hey, I wrote a recap on it too...you'd probably have to do a bit of searching as it was on a defunct site (estragand.com)
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:55 PM
"Toby Caulk?" In the (edited) Spike version, he was "Dick Zucker" I thought...
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:00 PM
I have this on dvd. It is a great b-movie.
pickled
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:43 PM
This Santa reminds me of Tim Allen's Santa.
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:12 PM
Well, fuck 'em then!
King of the Monsters
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:30 PM
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
Member
Dec 24th, 2008, 01:29 AM
I loved this movie, because it is so dumb! I mean you have goldberg as santa and that is bad enough. (Although he does a suprisingly good job as santa and it actually took me a few minutes to realize it was him). But they actually let him do a spear in the movie! I mean that's awesome! It'd be like letting the rock play jesus and then have him raise his eyebrow on satan, knock him down, and do the elbow drop on him, only to have him say "do you smell what the christ is cookin?"!!!

I didn't realize they made a sequel, I'll have to check that out.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Finally, a movie where the real Santa is the crazy killer and not just some whacked out nutjob dressed as him. I always thought the concept of a fat man breaking into peoples homes with strange magical powers would be B movie gold. I gotta see this movie.
Oozes machismo
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:20 AM
GOOOOOOLLLLLLLDBEEEEEEERGGGG! GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDBEEEERRRRRG!
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Dec 24th, 2008, 05:00 AM
im sorry, but i love breasts. but yes, i was wondering when youd get to this film. fantastic.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:50 PM
Thank you eternally for this! I was just thinking about this movie a few days ago, wondering if anyone was going to run it this year. This is one of the things that makes Christmas bearable for me- a dash of Halloween!
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 10:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primortal View Post
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
As Mike and the Bots would say, "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"

/BTW, which MST3K episode did you guys like more, "Santa Claus" or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
The Geminate
Dec 26th, 2008, 12:49 AM
Yeah I watched this through once...what a bunch of crap. Didn't see the sequel, wonder if it is just more crap or better.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:36 PM
My god, I have to find this movie.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:40 PM
P.S. - who here thinks I-mockery needs to review Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer?
OH GOD
Jan 16th, 2009, 02:16 AM
um, they did? unless it's a different movie from Jesus Christ: Vampire HUNTER that is
Wasteland Expert
Oct 11th, 2009, 06:27 AM
I remember when I first saw this movie, and would you believe I didn't recognize Goldberg?

I didn't know it was him until the credits. And I was a huge wrasslin' fan at the time.

Best. Santa. EVER.

And great review.
First time Forumer
Mar 4th, 2010, 03:36 PM
Santa is a annogramm of SATAN!!
It all seems so clear now
Forgetable Cyborg
Dec 15th, 2010, 11:58 PM
I recently saw this movie availible as a free movie on my cable's VoD, and I had to watch it! The pole-zap kill is great; those stills don't do it justice. It's one of those things that's really quick, but still very cool. Dare I say it's original? I haven't seen a similar kill before...
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