by: Dr. Boogie
It's Christmas time once again here at I-Mockery, and that can only mean one thing: killing spree. But not just any kind of killing spree. In the past, we've seen Christmas movies where a guy dressed as Santa is the main culprit, and we've seen films where killers kill people using Christmas icons like ornaments and Christmas lights, but what about a film where Santa himself, and not just some schmuck in a suit, is the killer? That's what I have for you today: a yuletide film featuring everyone's favorite jolly old elf as a bloodthirsty psychopath. So grab a slice of fruitcake and enjoy Santa's Slay.
The horror begins immediately as we are subjected to Fran Drescher's cleavage, and Chris Kattan, period. They, along with James Caan, and three less famous actresses (including Rebecca Gayheart), are the Mason family. Virginia (Fran Drescher) doesn't get along well with Mr. Mason, but she does get along unusually well with Jason (Chris Kattan), so much so that they start groping each other under the table. I could have gone my entire life without seeing either one of them getting groped, let along by each other. Mr. Mason threatens to give Jason the ol' fork-in-the-eye, but suddenly, there is a commotion on the roof.
A plume of dust comes out of the fireplace. The Mason's faithful dog, Miss Scribbles is the first on the scene. A home invasion this close to Christmas? Whoever could be responsible for such an act?
That beard. That red ensemble with the furry white (well, grey-white) trim. Could it be...
"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
Miss Scribbles moves to intercept.
What a perfect way to... "kick" things off. This is just the beginning. After a quick somersault across the table, Santa takes a stab at Mr. Mason.
Impaled as he is to the table, Mr. Mason gets to watch as Santa takes care of the rest of the family first, starting with a quick glance at Taylor.
All it takes is a good sneer from Santa and Taylor faints dead away.
Emphasis on "dead". Partial credit to Santa for that kill. I mean, he didn't put the dog bed with the sharp bedposts right behind the table.
He takes a swig of some kind of booze, grabs a lighter, and breathes fire on Virginia. Her hair ignites immediately, as you would expect it to, I guess. This looks like a job for the second male lead from A Night at the Roxbury!
"You want some?"
And Santa does want some.
Getting back to Virginia, a burnt head isn't necessarily going to be fatal.
Drowning in eggnog, that's another story.
Gwen makes a break for it, but Santa breaks a leg off the table and gives her a Christmas thump.
"I've been good!"
Sure you have.
Beth had a good chance of getting away, having hid under the table not long after the trouble started.
People, that's why you always put an angel on top of the tree!
That just leaves Mr. Mason:
Santa crams a drumstick into his mouth and then slams his head on the table. So that the drumstick is forced down his throat, I guess. Kinda of a weak finale, but it's still a great way to open the movie.
The opening credits roll, accompanied by a montage of images showing how and why Santa is a murderous thug in this movie, but I'll get into that later on. The gist of it is that Santa is a demon who lost a bet to an angel, and as punishment, he must spend a millennium as a legendary figure that brings toys, rather than violence, to the children.
Doesn't he look like he's having a good time?
As you saw just moments ago, however, the bet is over, and now Santa's back to the kind of directionless killing I think we can all enjoy.
Our story takes place in a township of Hell. That could be part of the problem right there. Anyway, here's where we meet our first real protagonist:
Nicolaus Yuleson. He works at a delicatessen, and at the moment, he's getting chewed out by an elderly woman named Mrs. Talbot. She's got all the wit and charm of Marge Schott, but still, she gets some points for helping establish that people think Nick's grandfather was a kook, even if she did have to swear at him, his boss Mr. Green, and Mac, the girl cleaning the window display. Such a sweet old lady.
A short time later, Mrs. Talbot is cruising down a country road at a blistering 5 mph. They way she weaves from one shoulder to the opposite one might be problematic if there were people in the opposite lane, but thankfully, the road is empty, save one other driver...
It's Santa! Looks like his flying reindeer are in the shop, so he had to temporarily switch to his ground-based bison. He's not going much faster than Mrs. Talbot, and his sleigh is kicking up a lot of sparks along the road, but that isn't abating his road rage at all.
There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
Click here to continue onward to page 2!
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
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