Features

Santa's Slay
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED


"Move bitch! Get out of the way!"

God, I've been in that same situation so many times. Santa even hits a button to sound his sleigh horn, but all that gets him is a nice "suck it!" from Mrs. Talbot. So he decides to take it to the next level:

With a quick thrash of the reins, Santa nearly doubles the speed of his sleigh and rams Mrs. Talbot. Inexplicably, this causes her to suddenly drive much faster, veer off the road, hit a ramp, and crash. Santa is understandably impressed with his achievement, and I am too, frankly. Old people are terrible drivers.

Getting back to the main characters, Mr. Green is giving Nick and Mac their Christmas gifts. And what has all their hard work gotten them? A clock and a snow globe, respectively. Truly, this is the season of giving.

On the ride home, amidst some Christmas-themed hip hop, we learn that Nick doesn't really care for Christmas on account of some crappy gifts he's received, and that these two will likely develop some kind of cute romance.

Nick's grandfather keeps an unusual number of locks on his door. Maybe he just likes the added feeling of security. Or maybe he is as nutty as that old crank Mrs. Talbot let on.

Suddenly, a crash, and the lights go out. Is Santa getting things off early? Could this be one of the few horror movies that don't have a lot of dull exposition before a ton of murders in the second and third acts?

No, it's just grandpa getting a cheap scare out of his grandson. Why the hell didn't he answer when Nick called him? He dodges the question by telling him not to say "hell" a lot. Why have that rule when they live in frigging Hell's Township? He dodges again by muttering about not taking the lord's name in vain. The crashing sound, he explains, was him dropping a box of light bulbs, and he dropped a second box when he decided to grab his grandson on the shoulder with one hand.

In case you haven't picked up on it yet, grandpa is a couple splinters short of a Yule log. He's been busy screwing around in his basement making, among other things, a nutcracker that shoots bullets for some reason, and a bunker.

And a hidden one, no less. I wonder how grandpa managed to have a bunker installed in the house without Nick finding out about it before now. Furthermore, if he wanted it to be some kind of shelter, why hide it? Grandpa has only one thing to say:


"I'd rather be crazy and alive than ignorant and dead!"

But what about being book smart and infirmed?

These questions and more when we come back. First, a word from our Santa:

Santa is working as a Salvation Army bell ringing Santa for some reason. Raising money for bison feed, perhaps? Whatever the reason, he is mugged by a man who thinks that charity bell ringers carry a lot of cash on them.

Well that tears it. Nobody mugs a philanthropic psychopathic Santa and gets away with it! Santa busts out some nasty grapples on the mugger and then prepares for his finisher:

Santa takes the candy cane he was sucking on, sees that he's made a nice point on it, and drives it into the mugger's eye. The mugger screams in pain, so Santa slams him into the wall.

But Santa knows you can't just leave a corpse in the middle of the sidewalk. Time to take out the trash!

Adding to the absurdity of this scene is the appearance of a couple walking down the street as Santa picks up the dead mugger. They come out of the alley and walk the other way, having heard neither the struggle, nor the mugger screaming. They also don't notice the towering, unkempt Santa standing over a dead body as they leave, and they certainly don't turn around when they heard the corpse slamming against the inside of the dumpster.

Anyway, so Nick was being weirded out by his grandpa...

Nick is trying to figure out why his grandpa doesn't like Christmas, and why he keeps making coy allusions to Santa being a mean guy. Instead of answers grandpa blows a fart in his face as they leave the basement. Despite that setback, Nick demands to know the truth. Grandpa relents, and takes him to see yet another secret.

Inside of a safe that rises out of the floor in his closet, grandpa has a book that details the backstory of a certain jolly old elf. It's written in Norse, but grandpa knows enough of the language to read the book, and to chide Nick for not being able to read the book.

In short, Santa was born as a result of an immaculate conception involving Santa and some other virgin. His birthday came to be known as the "Day of Slaying" because of all the mysterious deaths that would occur. The Christians decided to hold mass on that day, thus turning the Day of Slaying into Christmas. Hell of a conversion. The book even has a picture of Santa's evil bison:

But the doorbell rings before the story can continue.

It's Mac. She's come by to hand out Christmas gifts. For grandpa, she has some wolverine meat that her dad killed and butchered himself.

Her dad appears to be at least as insane as Nick's grandpa. Nick's gift is slightly less terrible.

Nick is astonished. It's not everyday that a pretty girl gives you a handgun. He asks her a very intimate question: "Are you fucking retarded?" An indignant Mac explains that this gun is "more than meets the eye."

It's actually a Transformer knockoff that looks even more like a real gun than the original Megatron. She claims Nick has said he always wanted one, in spite the fact that he didn't recognize what it was when he first saw it.


"I'm as happy as a 'Make a Wish' kid."

Geez, way to stick it to dying kids, Nick. Mac was right; you are a jagoff.

Meet Pastor Timmons. He runs a tiny fire-and-brimstone sort of church. During his sermon, he calls on his flock to give bills rather than change. Because he's encouraging them to give larger amounts? Sort of.

He really just needs some singles. As small a town as Hell's Township is, it seems he no trouble disguising the fact that he's spending collection plate money on strippers.

You know who else likes strippers? Santa. What he doesn't like, however, are bouncers that interfere when he wants to "stuff some stockings".

Santa punches him in the face, grabs the wreath off the door, and uses it to toss the bouncer over his shoulder. But that's just the warmup.

There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
Click here to continue onward to page 3!

 

Reader Comments

grants but one wish
Dec 23rd, 2008, 05:42 AM
"a legendary figure that brings toys, rather than violence, to the children." see, thats why im not asked to dress up as santa anymore im so easily confused...
Magic squirrel
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:11 PM
Where as this is [u]WHY[u]i dress up as Santa all the time
Member
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:15 PM
Actually, I do believe that Santa has a deep liking for killing. I'll make sure to block all the entrances to my house tomorrow.
Movie Enthusiast
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:31 PM
This was fantastic. Is there really a sequel on the way?
Turrican't. :(
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:34 PM
The kids' heads getting blown off looks so fucking retarded, that I hope immediately after leaving the studio, the director was struck in a 4-car pileup and lived in agonizing dismembered pain until he died 2 hours later at the hospital.

I'm not really religious but if it would make that scenario happen, I'd pray for it.

Seriously, that is the shittiest special effect ever.
is hopped up on goofballs
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:46 PM
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
What Video Games?
Dec 23rd, 2008, 01:11 PM
Never mind that Goldberg is Jewish or anything...but still, killer review!
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:14 PM
I really did like this movie. Not for the acting, though Goldberg's performance as a Nordic demon Santa was absolutely top-notch (for the genre, anyway), well I guess I'd have to admit that the cast wasn't bad except for that fucking infant Nick. I love the story! It's like the pseudo-myth linking the spelling of Satan and Santa, and you can't deny the fun of it all. The meta was good, despite the black hole Nick, and some budgetary constraints.

And whatever happened to the little tags you'd put on the pictures? Those were really funny! They increased the humor index by 33%
Funky Dynamite
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:34 PM
Those things took forever to write, and after spending hours upon hours just getting the pictures ready to go for articles like this, I would run out of steam for making them up.
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:49 PM
AWESOME. This was a great B-movie. And hey, I wrote a recap on it too...you'd probably have to do a bit of searching as it was on a defunct site (estragand.com)
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:55 PM
"Toby Caulk?" In the (edited) Spike version, he was "Dick Zucker" I thought...
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:00 PM
I have this on dvd. It is a great b-movie.
pickled
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:43 PM
This Santa reminds me of Tim Allen's Santa.
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:12 PM
Well, fuck 'em then!
King of the Monsters
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:30 PM
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
Member
Dec 24th, 2008, 01:29 AM
I loved this movie, because it is so dumb! I mean you have goldberg as santa and that is bad enough. (Although he does a suprisingly good job as santa and it actually took me a few minutes to realize it was him). But they actually let him do a spear in the movie! I mean that's awesome! It'd be like letting the rock play jesus and then have him raise his eyebrow on satan, knock him down, and do the elbow drop on him, only to have him say "do you smell what the christ is cookin?"!!!

I didn't realize they made a sequel, I'll have to check that out.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Finally, a movie where the real Santa is the crazy killer and not just some whacked out nutjob dressed as him. I always thought the concept of a fat man breaking into peoples homes with strange magical powers would be B movie gold. I gotta see this movie.
Oozes machismo
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:20 AM
GOOOOOOLLLLLLLDBEEEEEEERGGGG! GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDBEEEERRRRRG!
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Dec 24th, 2008, 05:00 AM
im sorry, but i love breasts. but yes, i was wondering when youd get to this film. fantastic.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:50 PM
Thank you eternally for this! I was just thinking about this movie a few days ago, wondering if anyone was going to run it this year. This is one of the things that makes Christmas bearable for me- a dash of Halloween!
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 10:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primortal View Post
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
As Mike and the Bots would say, "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"

/BTW, which MST3K episode did you guys like more, "Santa Claus" or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
The Geminate
Dec 26th, 2008, 12:49 AM
Yeah I watched this through once...what a bunch of crap. Didn't see the sequel, wonder if it is just more crap or better.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:36 PM
My god, I have to find this movie.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:40 PM
P.S. - who here thinks I-mockery needs to review Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer?
OH GOD
Jan 16th, 2009, 02:16 AM
um, they did? unless it's a different movie from Jesus Christ: Vampire HUNTER that is
Wasteland Expert
Oct 11th, 2009, 06:27 AM
I remember when I first saw this movie, and would you believe I didn't recognize Goldberg?

I didn't know it was him until the credits. And I was a huge wrasslin' fan at the time.

Best. Santa. EVER.

And great review.
First time Forumer
Mar 4th, 2010, 03:36 PM
Santa is a annogramm of SATAN!!
It all seems so clear now
Forgetable Cyborg
Dec 15th, 2010, 11:58 PM
I recently saw this movie availible as a free movie on my cable's VoD, and I had to watch it! The pole-zap kill is great; those stills don't do it justice. It's one of those things that's really quick, but still very cool. Dare I say it's original? I haven't seen a similar kill before...

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