by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

It's worth the extra money to buy a wreath that can't be used for strangulation.

Inside the club, Santa catches an eyeful, and a handful.

"Ho ho... hoes!"

Half a dozen steps in and he's already broken the number one rule of strip clubs: no touching. A bouncer comes over to straighten him out.

Santa grabs some Christmas lights and wraps up the bouncer good and tight. He slaps him around a little more before pushing him towards the bar.

And the bouncer just happens to impale himself on the very knife the bartender was using to slice limes. Now he's dead, and I'll bet that citric acid is stinging him, too.

The bartender is angry that he accidentally killed the bald fellow. Grabbing a pickaxe and shovel off the wall, he and an annoyed patron size up Santa. Santa, in turn, picks up... a table.

Now the two dopes attacking him are completely at a loss. Santa somehow manages to twist the weapons out of their hands with the table legs, and knocks both men over. Then, he swings to safety.

But the two men aren't finished yet. Santa already used part of a table to kill someone earlier, so he goes to grab a new weapon: a stripper pole.

The angry patron comes at him, but he is sent reeling by a kick to his holly jollies followed by a quick slap with the pole. Then the bartender comes at him with the pickaxe again.

*Crunch!*

Partial credit goes to Santa, but really, it was the bartender's own stupidity that got him killed. Him and the bouncer earlier.

That just leaves the angry patron. And a room full of topless strippers, but they're not really contributing to the fight. Anyway, the angry guy:

Santa tosses him the pole, then kicks the bottom so that it launches up into a light socket. The angry man is shocked!

So now, Santa is faced with a roomful of frightened strippers, and it looks like they're getting a lump of coal this year.

He tosses the red-hot coal, and the floor immediately bursts into flames. Perhaps Santa was discretely spreading gasoline all over the bar during the fight?

But Santa wasn't the only one wreaking havoc.

His white bison apparently ate the club's valet. Or at least part of his hat. Santa chortles and moves onto to his next target.

Unbeknownst to him, Pastor Timmons managed to escape with a handful of pilfered stripper singles in the melee. Looks like Santa's list will need to be double-checked.

Over on the dull side of town, grandpa and the kids are watching a Christmas Eve demolition derby. As crazy as grandpa might be, he knows when to give his grandson some space. He goes off to work on his nutcracker gun, leaving Nick and Mac to ... make a... not... Silent Night? Dammit, I'm out of holiday wordplay already.

You'll recall that Nick made a crack about terminally-ill children before. Well this time, he accuses Mac of thinking his grandfather a loon (a view which even he seems to hold by now) and then claims that her father is nuts for owning guns and hunting. Granted, this is a man who tried to pass off a hairy lump of skin as "wolverine meat", but I'll bet he doesn't keep the rest of his meat in a hidden bunker. A dejected Mac storms out, and we hate Nick just a little bit more.

Having shut himself down, Nick returns to grandpa's book. Apparently, he knows his Norse better than grandpa claimed because he continues at a brisk pace where grandpa left off. More importantly, the rest of the tale is told through stop motion animation.

God sends an angel down to earth to take care of the whole "Day of Slaying" problem. Disguising himself as a strangely familiar old man, the angel comes to Santa with a challenge: the two of them will slide rocks that look an awful lot like curling stones at a hole in the ice. Whosever's is closest without falling in the hole is the winner. Knowing that Santa is a betting man, er, demon, the angel adds a little wager: if Santa wins, he takes the angel off to hell for an eternity of all things hell. If the angel wins, Santa must turn the Day of Slaying into a "Day of Glee" and work as a seasonal gift giver for a thousand years.

So Santa goes first. His rock skids to a halt right at the edge of the hole, and he thinks he has the old man beat. Fortunately, Santa has never played shuffleboard before. The old man slides his rock, and it strikes Santa's with just enough force to send it over the edge. The old man wins, and Santa is none too pleased.

But a bet's a bet, so Santa delivers toys for a thousand years. But that was in 1005, that means that Santa is off the clock now! Could he be returning to his old murderous ways? Nick turns to the internet for answers, but finds only a fake Santa tracking site where an angry support person mocks him for still believing in Santa. Oh well. Maybe his grandfather was just crazy after all.

Uh oh.

On the plus side, we get to see more Santa, and less Nick for a little while.

At a home somewhere in town, a pair of foul-mouthed kids are about to open their Christmas presents. I wonder what Santa got them...

Ah, a quick death. Maybe this was on their parents' wish list.

Meanwhile, Santa is in the mood for a gnosh. Unfortunately, Mr. Green's deli is closed on Christmas. A Jewish establishment closed for a Christian holiday? Santa is incensed.

Santa lets himself in, and Mr. Green is pissed. He grabs a fistful of dreidels off the counter and starts hurling them at Santa. It doesn't seem that threatening until you see one of the dreidels miss Santa and shatter the front window. He's using loaded dreidels! Nothing makes Santa madder than cheaters. He grabs a can of soda and throws it at Mr. Green. When Mr. Green ducks, Santa gives him the Spear.

There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
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