Features

Santa's Slay
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Wooden tops may have failed him, but Mr. Green isn't ready to give up on Judaism just yet.


The power of Moses compels you!

Unfortunately, the Star of David proves to be merely an annoyance for Santa. Worse yet, all this religious symbolism has given him an idea:

Mazel Tov!

After helping himself to some dip, Santa stomps out, bumping into even more Jews outside. Luckily, Santa is content to merely snarl at them, rather than stab them with menorahs.

Meanwhile, Nick is discovering that the local gas station is run by Tiny Lister (also known as Zeus)! And the guy who got electrocuted at the strip club was a truck driver who was supposed to deliver gum to the gas station! But wait, there's more: he hears over Tiny's police scanner that Mr. Green's deli has been vandalized! What a great and valuable scene this was!

Nick beats the cops to the store by about a minute, so he decides to go in and start touching all the incriminating stuff. At least he has gloves on.

As he struggles to pry the menorah out of Mr. Green's neck, the man pops back to life just long enough to mention that Santa was the one who killed him. Nick says he didn't know "you people" believed in Santa, but Mr. Green is so annoyed by the insensitive remark that he dies again.

The police arrive shortly thereafter and are a little suspicious about Nick hanging around a crime scene. They decide to bring him in, along with some of Hasidic Jews (which one of the officers calls "the amish") who identified a man in a Santa suit leaving the deli.

Small town that it is, Nick happens to know the captain of the police force. As soon as they meet, Nick remarks, "don we now our gay apparel", mocking both the captain's Santa suit, and his pink sweater. Not the best opener, especially when you're preparing to unleash a story about a demon Santa killing people for Christmas. Way to put your best foot forward, Nick. The captain doesn't buy it at all, and sends Nick away. Lucky for him, the girl whose dad he insulted is there to drive him home.

A couple of the cops are remarking about how the killings have formed the shape of a Christmas tree on a map of the town. Will the next murder take place where the star will be?

Only if that star happened to be the police station. Santa bursts into the captain's office with a stun gun in hand. You can kill someone fairly quickly if you hit them in the wrong place with a stun gun.

The crotch, however, that will take some time.

With the captain's eggs fully nogged... "fully nogged"? What... I... Anyway, Santa walks out of the office and reveals that he managed to sneak in and murder a police captain by killing everyone in the lobby.

Four dead cops. The one in the back left was killed by one of Santa's exploding presents (which he was seen carrying just moments before), the one on the floor choked on his donut, the one in the chair had his PA mic crammed into his mouth, and the one on the board had his badge driven into his forehead, along with several little flags that don't appear to be in that deep. This Santa character does seem to have a predilection for killing people by cramming things into their mouths.

Later, on the drive home, Nick is trying to convince Mac that Santa is a demon who won't stop killing until midnight, Greenwich Mean Time. And he thought he would never have a use for that silly clock Mr. Green gave him. Unfortunately, Mac gets pulled over by...

An undercover cop trying to bust up a ring of corrupt Santa impersonators. Nah, it's the real Santa Claus. Nick and Mac are a little concerned, but Mac takes off before Santa can ask for her license and registration.

Uh oh, looks like Santa's been watching a bit too much TJ Hooker. Thankfully, Mac's crazy father keeps a shotgun and ammo in his truck. Unfortunately, she has to walk Nick through the process of loading the gun because he's a nitwit who doesn't understand simple instructions like "put the shell in the breach". I suppose I should be glad that he didn't immediately insult Mac like he's been doing with everyone else who has tried to help him.

Mac tries to ditch Santa by slamming on the brakes, but that just slows him down. Luckily, it gives Nick enough time to grow a brainstem and work that gun.

Another setback for Santa. He really shouldn't be so relaxed around his seemingly incompetent victims.

At grandpa's house, Nick is quick to apologize for doubting the existence (and threat) of Santa. Like Nick, grandpa believes that Santa's menace will pass once Christmas is over in the North Pole, according to Greenwich Mean Time. But that's only three hours away, and they're tucked into grandpa's anti-Santa bunker. What could possibly go wrong?

Carolers. Geez, people, go home and be with your families. Mac opens the door and tries to warn them of the impending danger of a Santa attack. They don't quite get it, but as luck would have it, Santa is there to illustrate the point.

Mac, who left the bunker because she wanted to help the carolers, has no problem with slamming the door and leaving them to their fate. Santa hurls one of the carolers off the porch, smacks another in the head with a walking stick, and breaks a female caroler's neck on the railing. Eventually, they are all killed while our flip-flopping heroes hide back in the bunker.

Santa has no problem breaking down the front door. And grandpa's brilliant strategy of hiding the bunker door behind a large map of Scandinavia fails when the map only unrolls partway. Good thing he had an escape tunnel installed in his water heater.

The tunnel leads out to the garage where grandpa has been keeping a pair of sweet snowmobiles. It looks like they might give Santa the slip. Or at least it did look that way, until grandpa fell for his own security system. Santa spies him on one of the bunker monitors and heads outside.

Oh, all that planning for nothing. If only you'd run some practice drills beforehand, grandpa. Grandpa tries to stall Santa by making fun of his weight, and his hairdo. Santa is unfazed by the insults.

He grabs a particularly point icicle and advances on grandpa. The old man puts on a brave face and orders Nick to leave. Unfortunately, he is too distracted by all of this to notice Santa's sleigh coming up behind him.


"Aw, grandpa got run over by a reindeer."

Well, rein-bison actually, but good effort, Santa.

Mac, having gotten the broken snowmobile, hops on with Nick. The two of them take off, just narrowly avoiding an icicle to the collarbone.

Nick decides to take the scenic route to warn the townsfolk about Santa. Too bad for him that Santa still has plenty of exploding presents left in his sack. He starts hurling them at the kids like a yuletide Green Goblin, but he only succeeds in blasting nearby hills and moguls. Frustrated, Santa decides to switch to ramming the pair.

Why does his sleigh have rockets AND a flying bison? Anyway, it only took a slight nudge to send Mrs. Talbot's hurtling off the road, but thankfully, Mac is more resilient than that.

She punches the bison right in its glowing red nose. Once again, Santa's wrath is thwarted, and the kids escape.

Once again, the kids are only somewhat interested in getting the townspeople to safety. They sky past shouting warnings about Santa coming (though not the significance of his arrival), but Nick still manages to squeeze in a few jumps in the process. This merely confuses and irritates the simple townies, especially Pastor Timmons, who is conducting a Christmas choir. Confused as they are, the townsfolk still recognize the threat of a flying jet-and-bison-propelled sleigh driven by a screaming man.

Incredibly, Santa doesn't kill anyone during this run. Instead, he seems focused on Pastor Timmons in his Santa suit. Instead of running him over like Nick's grandpa, Santa's bison gives him a nudge, which flips him up and into Santa's sleigh. Santa taunts him before punching him in the face, but more importantly, he declares that his sleigh is driven not by a magical flying bison, but by a "hell-deer". Eh, sure, why not?

Nick and Mac decide to flee to their high school, which, to their surprise, is close on Christmas. Stupid federal holidays. Nick whines and tries (and fails) to break in, while Mac successfully breaks in and complains about their relationship. And what a relationship it is: you do all the practical stuff while Nick covers all the bellyaching.

The two of them wonder aloud what to do about the situation. They could try to wait it out, but Nick thinks that Santa can be killed, citing the example of how he shot Santa in the chest, and Santa was slightly annoyed. He thinks that if he can lead Santa back to the group of skeet shooter he almost ran over about an hour ago, they can put Santa down for good. Nice plan, Nick. One question, though: WHY THE HELL DID YOU GO TO YOUR SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FRIGGING IDIOT!?

With their new plan in mind, the two kids decide to take the long way back to the snowmobile, even though they heard Santa closing in on them when they were breaking in. Oh, and they tripped the burglar alarm.

There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
Click here to continue onward to page 5!

 

Reader Comments

grants but one wish
Dec 23rd, 2008, 05:42 AM
"a legendary figure that brings toys, rather than violence, to the children." see, thats why im not asked to dress up as santa anymore im so easily confused...
Magic squirrel
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:11 PM
Where as this is [u]WHY[u]i dress up as Santa all the time
Member
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:15 PM
Actually, I do believe that Santa has a deep liking for killing. I'll make sure to block all the entrances to my house tomorrow.
Movie Enthusiast
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:31 PM
This was fantastic. Is there really a sequel on the way?
Turrican't. :(
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:34 PM
The kids' heads getting blown off looks so fucking retarded, that I hope immediately after leaving the studio, the director was struck in a 4-car pileup and lived in agonizing dismembered pain until he died 2 hours later at the hospital.

I'm not really religious but if it would make that scenario happen, I'd pray for it.

Seriously, that is the shittiest special effect ever.
is hopped up on goofballs
Dec 23rd, 2008, 12:46 PM
THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
What Video Games?
Dec 23rd, 2008, 01:11 PM
Never mind that Goldberg is Jewish or anything...but still, killer review!
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:14 PM
I really did like this movie. Not for the acting, though Goldberg's performance as a Nordic demon Santa was absolutely top-notch (for the genre, anyway), well I guess I'd have to admit that the cast wasn't bad except for that fucking infant Nick. I love the story! It's like the pseudo-myth linking the spelling of Satan and Santa, and you can't deny the fun of it all. The meta was good, despite the black hole Nick, and some budgetary constraints.

And whatever happened to the little tags you'd put on the pictures? Those were really funny! They increased the humor index by 33%
Funky Dynamite
Dec 23rd, 2008, 03:34 PM
Those things took forever to write, and after spending hours upon hours just getting the pictures ready to go for articles like this, I would run out of steam for making them up.
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:49 PM
AWESOME. This was a great B-movie. And hey, I wrote a recap on it too...you'd probably have to do a bit of searching as it was on a defunct site (estragand.com)
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 06:55 PM
"Toby Caulk?" In the (edited) Spike version, he was "Dick Zucker" I thought...
Forum Virgin
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:00 PM
I have this on dvd. It is a great b-movie.
pickled
Dec 23rd, 2008, 07:43 PM
This Santa reminds me of Tim Allen's Santa.
Can't touch this
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:12 PM
Well, fuck 'em then!
King of the Monsters
Dec 23rd, 2008, 11:30 PM
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
Member
Dec 24th, 2008, 01:29 AM
I loved this movie, because it is so dumb! I mean you have goldberg as santa and that is bad enough. (Although he does a suprisingly good job as santa and it actually took me a few minutes to realize it was him). But they actually let him do a spear in the movie! I mean that's awesome! It'd be like letting the rock play jesus and then have him raise his eyebrow on satan, knock him down, and do the elbow drop on him, only to have him say "do you smell what the christ is cookin?"!!!

I didn't realize they made a sequel, I'll have to check that out.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Finally, a movie where the real Santa is the crazy killer and not just some whacked out nutjob dressed as him. I always thought the concept of a fat man breaking into peoples homes with strange magical powers would be B movie gold. I gotta see this movie.
Oozes machismo
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:20 AM
GOOOOOOLLLLLLLDBEEEEEEERGGGG! GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDBEEEERRRRRG!
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Dec 24th, 2008, 05:00 AM
im sorry, but i love breasts. but yes, i was wondering when youd get to this film. fantastic.
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 03:50 PM
Thank you eternally for this! I was just thinking about this movie a few days ago, wondering if anyone was going to run it this year. This is one of the things that makes Christmas bearable for me- a dash of Halloween!
Forum Virgin
Dec 24th, 2008, 10:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Primortal View Post
The most scary (or at least disturbing) Santa movie is that one mexican santa movie where he has to match wits with one of satan's minions.
As Mike and the Bots would say, "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel!"

/BTW, which MST3K episode did you guys like more, "Santa Claus" or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
The Geminate
Dec 26th, 2008, 12:49 AM
Yeah I watched this through once...what a bunch of crap. Didn't see the sequel, wonder if it is just more crap or better.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:36 PM
My god, I have to find this movie.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Jan 15th, 2009, 11:40 PM
P.S. - who here thinks I-mockery needs to review Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer?
OH GOD
Jan 16th, 2009, 02:16 AM
um, they did? unless it's a different movie from Jesus Christ: Vampire HUNTER that is
Wasteland Expert
Oct 11th, 2009, 06:27 AM
I remember when I first saw this movie, and would you believe I didn't recognize Goldberg?

I didn't know it was him until the credits. And I was a huge wrasslin' fan at the time.

Best. Santa. EVER.

And great review.
First time Forumer
Mar 4th, 2010, 03:36 PM
Santa is a annogramm of SATAN!!
It all seems so clear now
Forgetable Cyborg
Dec 15th, 2010, 11:58 PM
I recently saw this movie availible as a free movie on my cable's VoD, and I had to watch it! The pole-zap kill is great; those stills don't do it justice. It's one of those things that's really quick, but still very cool. Dare I say it's original? I haven't seen a similar kill before...

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