by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Wooden tops may have failed him, but Mr. Green isn't ready to give up on Judaism just yet.

The power of Moses compels you!

Unfortunately, the Star of David proves to be merely an annoyance for Santa. Worse yet, all this religious symbolism has given him an idea:

Mazel Tov!

After helping himself to some dip, Santa stomps out, bumping into even more Jews outside. Luckily, Santa is content to merely snarl at them, rather than stab them with menorahs.

Meanwhile, Nick is discovering that the local gas station is run by Tiny Lister (also known as Zeus)! And the guy who got electrocuted at the strip club was a truck driver who was supposed to deliver gum to the gas station! But wait, there's more: he hears over Tiny's police scanner that Mr. Green's deli has been vandalized! What a great and valuable scene this was!

Nick beats the cops to the store by about a minute, so he decides to go in and start touching all the incriminating stuff. At least he has gloves on.

As he struggles to pry the menorah out of Mr. Green's neck, the man pops back to life just long enough to mention that Santa was the one who killed him. Nick says he didn't know "you people" believed in Santa, but Mr. Green is so annoyed by the insensitive remark that he dies again.

The police arrive shortly thereafter and are a little suspicious about Nick hanging around a crime scene. They decide to bring him in, along with some of Hasidic Jews (which one of the officers calls "the amish") who identified a man in a Santa suit leaving the deli.

Small town that it is, Nick happens to know the captain of the police force. As soon as they meet, Nick remarks, "don we now our gay apparel", mocking both the captain's Santa suit, and his pink sweater. Not the best opener, especially when you're preparing to unleash a story about a demon Santa killing people for Christmas. Way to put your best foot forward, Nick. The captain doesn't buy it at all, and sends Nick away. Lucky for him, the girl whose dad he insulted is there to drive him home.

A couple of the cops are remarking about how the killings have formed the shape of a Christmas tree on a map of the town. Will the next murder take place where the star will be?

Only if that star happened to be the police station. Santa bursts into the captain's office with a stun gun in hand. You can kill someone fairly quickly if you hit them in the wrong place with a stun gun.

The crotch, however, that will take some time.

With the captain's eggs fully nogged... "fully nogged"? What... I... Anyway, Santa walks out of the office and reveals that he managed to sneak in and murder a police captain by killing everyone in the lobby.

Four dead cops. The one in the back left was killed by one of Santa's exploding presents (which he was seen carrying just moments before), the one on the floor choked on his donut, the one in the chair had his PA mic crammed into his mouth, and the one on the board had his badge driven into his forehead, along with several little flags that don't appear to be in that deep. This Santa character does seem to have a predilection for killing people by cramming things into their mouths.

Later, on the drive home, Nick is trying to convince Mac that Santa is a demon who won't stop killing until midnight, Greenwich Mean Time. And he thought he would never have a use for that silly clock Mr. Green gave him. Unfortunately, Mac gets pulled over by...

An undercover cop trying to bust up a ring of corrupt Santa impersonators. Nah, it's the real Santa Claus. Nick and Mac are a little concerned, but Mac takes off before Santa can ask for her license and registration.

Uh oh, looks like Santa's been watching a bit too much TJ Hooker. Thankfully, Mac's crazy father keeps a shotgun and ammo in his truck. Unfortunately, she has to walk Nick through the process of loading the gun because he's a nitwit who doesn't understand simple instructions like "put the shell in the breach". I suppose I should be glad that he didn't immediately insult Mac like he's been doing with everyone else who has tried to help him.

Mac tries to ditch Santa by slamming on the brakes, but that just slows him down. Luckily, it gives Nick enough time to grow a brainstem and work that gun.

Another setback for Santa. He really shouldn't be so relaxed around his seemingly incompetent victims.

At grandpa's house, Nick is quick to apologize for doubting the existence (and threat) of Santa. Like Nick, grandpa believes that Santa's menace will pass once Christmas is over in the North Pole, according to Greenwich Mean Time. But that's only three hours away, and they're tucked into grandpa's anti-Santa bunker. What could possibly go wrong?

Carolers. Geez, people, go home and be with your families. Mac opens the door and tries to warn them of the impending danger of a Santa attack. They don't quite get it, but as luck would have it, Santa is there to illustrate the point.

Mac, who left the bunker because she wanted to help the carolers, has no problem with slamming the door and leaving them to their fate. Santa hurls one of the carolers off the porch, smacks another in the head with a walking stick, and breaks a female caroler's neck on the railing. Eventually, they are all killed while our flip-flopping heroes hide back in the bunker.

Santa has no problem breaking down the front door. And grandpa's brilliant strategy of hiding the bunker door behind a large map of Scandinavia fails when the map only unrolls partway. Good thing he had an escape tunnel installed in his water heater.

The tunnel leads out to the garage where grandpa has been keeping a pair of sweet snowmobiles. It looks like they might give Santa the slip. Or at least it did look that way, until grandpa fell for his own security system. Santa spies him on one of the bunker monitors and heads outside.

Oh, all that planning for nothing. If only you'd run some practice drills beforehand, grandpa. Grandpa tries to stall Santa by making fun of his weight, and his hairdo. Santa is unfazed by the insults.

He grabs a particularly point icicle and advances on grandpa. The old man puts on a brave face and orders Nick to leave. Unfortunately, he is too distracted by all of this to notice Santa's sleigh coming up behind him.

"Aw, grandpa got run over by a reindeer."

Well, rein-bison actually, but good effort, Santa.

Mac, having gotten the broken snowmobile, hops on with Nick. The two of them take off, just narrowly avoiding an icicle to the collarbone.

Nick decides to take the scenic route to warn the townsfolk about Santa. Too bad for him that Santa still has plenty of exploding presents left in his sack. He starts hurling them at the kids like a yuletide Green Goblin, but he only succeeds in blasting nearby hills and moguls. Frustrated, Santa decides to switch to ramming the pair.

Why does his sleigh have rockets AND a flying bison? Anyway, it only took a slight nudge to send Mrs. Talbot's hurtling off the road, but thankfully, Mac is more resilient than that.

She punches the bison right in its glowing red nose. Once again, Santa's wrath is thwarted, and the kids escape.

Once again, the kids are only somewhat interested in getting the townspeople to safety. They sky past shouting warnings about Santa coming (though not the significance of his arrival), but Nick still manages to squeeze in a few jumps in the process. This merely confuses and irritates the simple townies, especially Pastor Timmons, who is conducting a Christmas choir. Confused as they are, the townsfolk still recognize the threat of a flying jet-and-bison-propelled sleigh driven by a screaming man.

Incredibly, Santa doesn't kill anyone during this run. Instead, he seems focused on Pastor Timmons in his Santa suit. Instead of running him over like Nick's grandpa, Santa's bison gives him a nudge, which flips him up and into Santa's sleigh. Santa taunts him before punching him in the face, but more importantly, he declares that his sleigh is driven not by a magical flying bison, but by a "hell-deer". Eh, sure, why not?

Nick and Mac decide to flee to their high school, which, to their surprise, is close on Christmas. Stupid federal holidays. Nick whines and tries (and fails) to break in, while Mac successfully breaks in and complains about their relationship. And what a relationship it is: you do all the practical stuff while Nick covers all the bellyaching.

The two of them wonder aloud what to do about the situation. They could try to wait it out, but Nick thinks that Santa can be killed, citing the example of how he shot Santa in the chest, and Santa was slightly annoyed. He thinks that if he can lead Santa back to the group of skeet shooter he almost ran over about an hour ago, they can put Santa down for good. Nice plan, Nick. One question, though: WHY THE HELL DID YOU GO TO YOUR SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FRIGGING IDIOT!?

With their new plan in mind, the two kids decide to take the long way back to the snowmobile, even though they heard Santa closing in on them when they were breaking in. Oh, and they tripped the burglar alarm.

There's still more madness to Santa's Slay!
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