...CONTINUED

Mike tries to apologize to Lynn for revealing the affair, but Lynn just calls him an asshole. She's right, of course, and she storms off by herself, so say goodbye to Lynn, folks.

At that very moment, Jack catches up with Mike, and a heated exchange of words begins. Jack scolds Mike for lying about the hazing, and reveals that Sam had the diabetes. How did he pass his blood test, then? Mike, despite being a raging braindead cracker, figures out that Jack must have taken Sam's blood test for him so that he could join the team and get a scholarship that would cover his tuition. Mike and the others claim it's not their fault Sam's in the hospital. Yeah, it's definitely not their fault! I mean, how could they have known that tying someone to a stake, drenching them with beer, and then leaving them to enjoy a frigid night in the countryside would have any negative consequences? They're all at fault, really. Sure, Mike and the others did it, but Jack lured Sam into the trip so that he could have sex with Beth all night and all day... baby.

Jack and Beth go for a walk to cool down. Hey, you know who else took a walk? Lynn.

As she's walking, she hears more of that same whistling. She scans the beach, but sees nothing, so she does what any normal person would do in a similar situation: she makes a hard left and marches straight into the ocean. More whistling, and though she can't see who is whistling, she does turn around long enough for the scarecrow to grab her.

No dragging across the beach for her. He pushes her under and drowns her in the 3-foot deep water. Also, Sam has another fit. Maybe the two events are connected somehow...

The sun dips down, and it's time for more inanity from the remaining college kids. This time, the word is "cool." You see, in this scene, everyone becomes "cool" with everyone else. First, Jack and Beth decide that they're "cool" with each other and that they weren't responsible for Sam's hospitalization. Next, Jack and Mike become "cool" when both mutually agree that they could argue all day about who's responsible for who being in a diabetic coma, but it would be better to just swing the ol' baseball bat around a little. Finally, Jim and Phil become "cool" when Jim asks to hear one of Phil's songs, and Phil forgets that he's talking to the guy that stole his songbook and peed on his head. Why, he even favors us with a song!

However, Phil's last name must be "Vanilli" because he is definitely not singing the song that follows. Good thing, too, because it's not a song to be proud of. The scarecrow, to show that he is pure evil, allows Phil to finish his song before he kills him.

He pries one of the poles holding the volleyball net out of the ground and tosses it like a javelin right through Phil. He then strangles Jim. He doesn't pick him up and dash him against the rocks behind Phil. He doesn't snap his neck with one hand and then fold him up like a bed sheet. He just strangles him. People, this is why you never see movie monsters strangling their victims, or if you do see them doing it, it's with one hand and the victim is raised off the ground. It's not entertaining to watch, especially after seeing an impalement. It's like the scarecrow was just phoning it in. He then punches Patty in the head, and Mike, Beth and Jack grab her unconscious body and run off into the night.

Man, is it blue in here or what? Is this some kind of weird ocean phenomenon I've never heard of? The four of them are off and running, but then they stop when Patty collapses. If you're a semi-attractive girl in a horror movie, wear comfortable shoes! Mike checks her and suggests that she might have a spinal injury. Not the kind of injury you want when fleeing from a monster. Suddenly, halfway through Jack's diagnosis...

"INCOMIIIIIING!!!"

Beth spots the scarecrow loping toward them. Cheese it, guys!

They somehow manage to lose the scarecrow again on the wide open beach, and hide under a lifeguard station. Once the coast is clear (no pun intended), they try to get into the station, but to no avail. Jack realizes that the whistling they hear is just like Sam's whistling that he was doing as he lined up his insulin shot in the bathroom. The legend of the scarecrow must be coming true! What legend? From the back-and-forth between Mike and Jack, we learn that a kid was killed and buried under that scarecrow in the field, and that the kid's soul "merged" with the scarecrow. Jack tries to work in some bologna about ancient myths and animism, but it's all a complete load.

In a moment of good timing, Coach arrives to help flesh out the story a little more, and accuse Jack of devil-inviting. It seems that the kid in question wasn't murdered; he just died accidentally during a hazing that Coach took part in. He and his fellow hazers then buried the kid beneath the scarecrow and told everyone that he left town. Who would question such an airtight alibi? Unfortunately, he arose as the scarecrow and killed them all, except the Coach, who somehow survived until now.

Well look who it is. Looks like it's time to settle the score. Coach turns his keys over to the kids and gets into a knockdown, dragout fight with the scarecrow.

The action is so intense! Man vs. Scarecrow! Good vs. Evil! Ultimate Fighter vs. Guy in a Lame Costume! Sadly, the World's Most Dangerous Man is unable to top the World's Most Dangerous Scarecrow, and winds up getting choked out. Oh, it's UFC '93 all over again.

And the kids run off looking for Coach's car. It takes a while, on account of him not mentioning where he parked the damn thing. Patty spots a truck coming down the road and tries to flag it down. Little does she know...

The scarecrow is driving the truck!!! Dun dun duuuuuuun!

Screaming, as it turns out, will not stop a truck from running you over.

She gets REALLY messed up by that truck. It's like she got run over, and then landed on a grenade as it was going off. Mike is distraught. Now who will he gross out with his toilet humor and alienate with his wild mood swings? He bawls like an 8-year-old who just lost his favorite toy.

So they give up on looking for the Coach's truck. On foot, they walk through a picked pumpkin patch, and Jack has a brainstorm: the kid in the legend was dead when the scarecrow stole his soul and got revenge, so maybe saving Sam will spare their lives. That's a great idea, but the legend also says that the scarecrow only killed the people that killed him, and this scarecrow killed three innocent newbies right off the bat, so the legend is pretty much up in the air at this point. Either way, it's off to the "hospital" for them.

Oh no, it looks like the scarecrow beat them to it! They try to formulate a plan before going in, and Mike promises to "bitch slap" anyone who even mentions the idea of splitting up. Good, at least someone is figuring this stuff out.

Inside, the hospital has changed, and is even less like a hospital than it was before. It still has the runners in the hallway, and the thin cloth sheets draped over many of the doors, but now there's junk all over the place, and a bunch of the rooms are filled with garbage. It's like a really, really, really lame attempt at making the place look like something out of Silent Hill. Luckily, Mike was able to lay his hands on a fire extinguisher, and Jack has his trusty pen light. Oh yeah, these guys are doomed.

They find Ray and Sandy working on Sam in, I guess another OR. I can't really see anything. It seems the power went out ten minutes ago, but just as Ray went to turn on the generator, Sam took a turn for the worse. Beth offers to go turn on the generator (the generator in the basement) instead, but Nurse Sandy says that it would be faster if she went. She runs off, paying no attention to Mike's warning about a "homicidal scarecrow out there". She then makes it to the generator, turns it on, and goes on to live a long, fulfilling life.

Nah, I'm just kidding. She gets choked out by the scarecrow after running about twenty feet. Thankfully, there are no other patients in the hospital besides Sam, so getting the power back on isn't really that important anyway.

Ooh, spoke too soon. Sam flatlines, according to the heart monitor... which is operating on battery power, I guess. Their luck continues, as Dr. Ray also has a portable defibrillator that's battery powered as well. Unfortunately, it only has enough juice left for "two or three charges, maybe." Ray needs his nurse to back and help, and maybe flash her boobs one last time, and sends Mike out to throw his life away. He gets grabbed right outside the room.

The scarecrow goes for another lame strangulation, but is foiled when Sam gets defibrillated. Ray manages to squeeze four charges out of the defibrillator before it dies, but that's just enough to revive Sam and stop the scarecrow. You know, call me crazy, but I think maybe, just maybe, there might be some kind of connection between those two events. Mike thinks so, too, and tells them about how the two events corresponded so well. Nobody goes to check on Sandy, though. She's probably ok, though.

Jack goes back inside to check on Sam. He's conscious again, and asks Jack if his friends are dead because he saw himself killing them. Now, I'm really beginning to suspect that there might be a connection between him and that scarecrow. He asks Jack if they're dead, and Jack can't lie to his best friend. The shock causes Sam to flatline again. Ouch, so close.

This time, Ray opts to go out and fetch the AED (Automatic External Defibrillator), and even better, he decides to go it alone. Good thinking, Ray. Have the doctor run off and leave the patient. No wonder you got stuck working at such a crappy hospital.

You'll never guess what happens next: Dr. Ray gets attacked by the scarecrow! Boy, talk about a twist!

WILL THE DOCTOR SURVIVE? WILL JACK AND BETH GET TO "DO IT" ONE LAST TIME? WILL THERE BE ANY LIGHTING FOR THE FINAL BIG SHOWDOWN?
CONTINUE TO PAGE 4 TO FIND OUT!

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