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Shredder!
by:
Dr. Boogie

Greetings, friends. The spooky season is upon us once again, and that means that karma has come back to bite me in the ass, and I must present to you people another brand new crappy horror movie. That said, it is time once again to take a look at the best that the bottom of the barrel has to offer.

To make a really bad horror movie, there are a lot of different elements you can use. You can have bad camera work, you can incorporate god-awful music into every scene, you could employ a cadre of your friends because they want to give acting a shot, or in this case, your horror movie can be about snowboarding, and snowboarders. That way, you can stuff the first half hour of the movie with footage of people snowboarding as filler in between scenes of empty stoner dialogue. Better yet, you can try to use snowboarding nomenclature to come up with a great title/pun. If you did all of that, and you were still able to keep the movie studio's financial backing, your movie would be called Shredder.

180 Halfpipe McTwist Kickflip!

The very first thing you see is a shot of a snowboarder being pursued by a mysterious skier dressed entirely in black. For a while, the snowboarder has a healthy lead over the skier, but then the skier shortens the distance considerably by taking a short cut. And it goes on like that for another minute or so, and then the snowboarder decides to try and lose the skier in the woods.

Prepare to be shredded...

Unfortunately, the skier takes yet another shortcut, and somehow manages to wind up ahead of the snowboarder. He reaches into the snow and pulls a steel wire up betwixt two of the pine trees. The snowboarder, who apparently takes no notice of any of this, continues on into the wire and gives us the film's first great kill.

My designer gloves!

Man, you really need to be careful around steel wire. Apparently, you can cut your own head off traveling at speeds in excess of 5 mph (8 kilometers for our international readers).

Rule #13:  Don't read and shred.

And on a note of irony, the snowboarder had a pamphlet of skiing rules in his hand for some reason. The skier in black snatches the helpful guidelines and walks off. Not a very dramatic exit, but an exit nonetheless.

When he attacks, these Turtle boys don't cut him no slack!

Just in case you don't know which PoS movie you're watching, the title comes up shortly thereafter, with the decapitated snowboarder gushing the whole time. Man, though, I can't believe how close his head landed to his shoulders after he hit that wire. You'd think the director had never seen anyone get their head chopped off on the run before.

Survivalist gear.

With the introductory kill out of the way, it's time now to introduce you to the cast. The first is evil rich girl Kimberly Van Arx. As you can see, she is introduced with a shower scene, as well as a tasteful glimpse of her underwear. Ironically, though the director saw fit to introduce her taking a shower and giving the audience one (of many) shots of her undies, he was very careful not to show any of her naughty parts on camera. Well, the guy has priorities, I guess.

Ew, she's naked!

Her shower is interrupted, however, by her boyfriend, Cole, who surprises her with a rose, and is pummeled for scaring her in the shower. Afterwards, they get to talking, and we learn just why Kimberly has her underwear on display: the two of them have planned a romantic getaway to her chattel in the mountains. Cole is anxious to get there, and not because he's looking forward to the crisp mountain air. By the way, in case you're wondering where you've seen this guy before, allow me to refresh your memory:

John Stamos put a fatwah on him.

Cole is played by Scott Weinger, who originally played DJ's boyfriend, Steve, on Full House. Given his current role, I'm guessing that his celebrity status didn't exactly take off after the show's cancellation. On the plus side, he did do the voice of the title character in Disney's Aladdin, and I don't plan to let him live down either role.

Anyway, Kimberly informs Cole that their getaway won't be as private as he would have liked:

Take that, romance!

Tagging along with the couple are Robyn, Kimberly's equally mean-spirited friend who seems to be in heat the whole movie; Kirk, the stoner snowboarder; Skyler, the horny virgin who provides comic relief by constantly cracking wise and sticking his video camera into everyone's face; and last but not least, Kimberly's cousin Pike, the punk girl whom everyone mistakes for a lesbian, and whose ambiguous sexuality makes for several hilarious jokes. It's a regular dream team of people that you'd like to see die.

There's just one more member of this squad of pissants, and they pick him up when the gang's hijinx causes Robyn to accidentally spill coffee all over her sweater, and she screeches at Cole to pull over so she can clean it off.

Pretty clean for a gas station restroom.

She just can't wait to clean that sweater, and she rips it off as soon as she gets out of the car. Pike gets out to follow the other two, but Skyler stops her, asking her to take his camera and document the goings on in the bathroom. Oh Skyler, you cute little sexual deviant, you. Still, Pike goes along with the idea, and the guys stay behind at the car, cracking jokes about Skyler being a virgin and Pike being gay. Meanwhile, the camera in the bathroom unlocks Robyn's inner ho, and she starts screwing around with Kimberly. Also in this scene, we learn that Kimberly is simply leading Cole on, and that this bothers Pike. Oh man, and I thought she was a total lesbo! I mean, she's got short hair, for crying out loud!!

Yeah, he's foreign, he'll do.
"In my country, men and women share the toilet."

Outside the bathroom, the girls encounter the drifter I mentioned earlier. His name is Christophe, and he's from Italy… or France. I can't really tell which one it is, and neither can he apparently, because he blends the two dialects together to create an entirely new accent. He even includes references to his home country (wherever that is), including the above caption. It's a line like that, and a double entendre about Robyn getting all wet, that earns him a spot in the group's trip. But oh no, look at this:

Could there be more than one pair?

He has black and red gloves, just like the killer! Oh, the suspense is boring me!

What an asshole, clearing the roads for us!

Further down the road, the group encounters a unimog snow blower traveling slowly down the road, so they decide to blow by the driver while screaming "ASSHOLE!" as loud as they can. Hmm, a sullen man driving a vehicle that has huge grinding blades on the front of it and a bumper sticker that says "death to snowboarders". Already, he's far more likeable than any of the other characters in this damn movie. I hope we get to see him again real soon.

We'll shred, you work on this decades-old chain.

At last they arrive at the resort, only to find that the gate has been locked. It seems that Kimberly omitted an important detail, namely that her father doesn't yet own this piece of the mountain. It's an unfortunate situation, but the gang knows just what to do: go shredding.

What a loser.

The crew changes into their snow gear and attacks the mountain while Cole struggles impotently with the lock. Then, it's two-and-a-half minutes of shredding and punk music, while Aladdin wishes that he had his magic lamp so that he could wish that damn lock off. It's one of the most pathetic scenes in the whole movie, especially because his girlfriend sits in the car, rolling her eyes at each of his sad attempts. Eventually, he does manage to get the lock off (albeit off camera) and they finally make their way to the chattel.

Dirt and dust everywhere.  I love it!

At the chattel, the group finds their accommodations to be slightly more filthy and rundown than they had anticipated. No worries, though; their only complaint is that it's chilly, and not that there's garbage everywhere and an inch of dust on the floor. With that taken care of, we get to here more about Kirk. Skyler narrates for the documentary he's shooting, saying that Kirk won the silver medal at the "Shasta games," and when Cole questions how a pothead like Kirk could pass a drug test, Kirk attributes his triumph to "clean-pee.com". Geez, you'd think if they director was going to include a joke like that that he would know that it's clean-pee.org. Anyway, Cole asks whose equipment was sitting outside the chattel, and Kimberly informs everyone that they'll be joined by Chad, Kirk's snowboarding rival. But first, Skyler points out another big problem: "There is an immediate beer run required to insure the survival of out species!" Man, I am going to enjoy watching you die, you frigging jackass. Worse yet, Kimberly tells them that they need to go get "like, food or something", too. Jesus, it's a miracle that these morons remembered to pack anything aside from their damn snowboards and Kirk's pot. And so, Cole and Skyler volunteer to go get food and drink while Christophe opts to stay and keeps an eye on the girls.

Can't believe he parallel parked that thing.

Luckily, there's a bar/store nearby, and the two of them go in, not even noticing that they've parked right next to that same snowblower that they blew past on the way to the Rocky Summit. Perhaps they got a bit of a contact high from Kirk. With no fear of retribution from the wronged driver, they head inside to buy the essentials.

*Stare*

And what a warm welcome they receive. Skyler's camera captures a whole cadre of bug-eyed bar patrons, including the waitress, as played by Heather Graham. Nah, I'm just kidding. That's not really Heather Graham. I just say that about every blonde woman with a big forehead and a thyroid problem. Anyway, Bud, the owner of the bar, gives them the requisite ominous warning about the mountain:

Ironically, he only serves Coors.
"There's folks around here don't want you
nowhere's near that old place. ‘z dangerous. Evil…"

Hey thanks, ol' timer. By the way, what kind of bar sells packaged food items? You know what, never mind. As they're leaving Skyler catches the waitress making eyes at him (big ol' eyes), and he tells Cole that she must be the skier that he encountered while Cole was struggling with that rusty chain. He also makes sure that Cole knows to what extent the young lady has aroused his sexual frustration by humping air and saying that she was "mega spank-worthy." What a delightful scamp. Suddenly, the blades on that snowblower they parked in front of start spinning, giving the boys a good scare.

Now run 'em over!

Sadly, Skyler did not fall out of the car and get his head caught in the sharp auguring device. Cole remarks, "What an asshole." Oh, I get it; back when they passed the guy on the road, they called him an asshole. That was foreshadowing the scene when he would prove himself an asshole! Oh Greg Hudson, you are the thinking man's director.

How lame are we?

Later on, the gang is playing a tiddlywinks-based drinking game, and things start to heat up when Kimberly dares Pike to go commando, as the kids are saying these days. Pike obliges, removing her bra and pulling it out of her shirtsleeve. Kimberly than decides to one-up her by dethonging.

Did you drop your keys in there?

Cole seems a little put off by her brashness, but the other guys seem to being enjoying the spectacle, especially Skyler, who runs dangerously close to soiling himself in his excitement. The revelry is interrupted, however, by a knock at the door. At first, everyone assumes that it will be the Kirk's rival, Chad, but it isn't. It's…

Hey, someone else I can show my boobs to!

Johnny Law! Yes, it seems that trespassing and breaking and entering are slightly more illegal than originally thought. Fortunately, Robyn and Kimberly are able to seduce the sheriff into forgetting about this whole "you're under arrest" business.

Here's a twenty. Stop looking at her ass.

Meanwhile, Cole is desperate to stop his girlfriend from presenting like a mandrill, and so he offers the sheriff a cool twenty dollars as a bribe. Skyler, his camera ever present, captures the bribe on film, perhaps so that he can blackmail Cole into paying for him to get a hooker.

Anyway, the lawman eventually leaves, and Kimberly explains to them why they've broken into a ski resort that her family doesn't yet own, and why it was closed in the first place: years ago, when the resort was still open, a bunch of drunken snowboarders were harassing a little girl while she was skiing, and she accidentally Sonny Bono'ed herself. Then, when the police went to arrest the snowboarders, they mysteriously vanished. It sounds to me like they just ran from the law, but for the film's sake, let's just assume that the story has a more sinister overtone. Kimberly's father is looking to buy the resort, and so Kimberly volunteered to take her friends up to take a look at the place for him. Good story, no? No. The sub par story is concluded with Robyn screaming that she saw someone flit past the window. Could it be Chad? Could it be the horny sheriff, hoping for one last look at Robyn's be-bra'ed boobies? All good questions, and only Cole and Pike are gutsy enough to take a look.

So... how's gayness treating you?

Cole and Pike get to talking outside, and Cole lets her know that he's ok with her being a lesbian, and that he came to that conclusion by virtue of the fact that her name rhymes with dyke. Pike responds by calling him an asshole. A regular Abbott and Costello, those two. They don't manage to find the source of the disturbance, but they do find a mysterious shed with a door that is mysteriously unlocked, and button, mysteriously located on the exterior of the building, that mysteriously restores power to the entire resort with a single push. How lucky can they get? The whole time, however, they are under the watchful eye of the evil serial killing skier.

Ia Ia Shub Niggurath!!

Of course. It all makes sense. They're being stalked by Dagon, the lord of the Deep Ones! Oh, poor Cole. You came here hoping to score with your manipulative girlfriend, but instead you'll be driven insane by cyclopean horrors beyond your wildest imagination. Then again, maybe you and you're buddies'll just get hacked up by some ordinary disgruntled skier. It's all good as long as they kill the virgin and the "foreign" guy.

I don't like confrontation.

Later still, while everyone is asleep, the skier appears and loosens the screws holding together one of the foot… thingies on one of the snowboards. Listen, I don't know all the terminology. The ski boot goes in it, right? Let's call it a boothold. The masked skier loosens the boothold on one of the boards.

Nice PJs, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Meanwhile, Kimberly realizes that with Cole asleep, she has an opportunity to jump the bones of the Italian/Frenchman. She changes out of her Little House on the Prairie nightgown and into a red teddy. Unfortunately, Christophe is nowhere to be found. Could it be that he's the killer? Oooh, creepy!

Ok, one quick peek, then I'm going home.

Almost as creepy as that sheriff, who is still lurking around the chattel. I guess he's just that much of a perv. Well, the good news is that the lecherous sheriff is about to meet the skier in black. I wonder how their first meeting will go…

Hold on, lemme sight this thing...

Not too well, it seems. I wish there was more to show you, but all you get is a shot of the skier stabbing forward with the ice pick accompanied by a squishing noise. No blood or gore or nuthin'. Well at least he's dead.

Hmm... Nope, no dignity in here.

Christophe can't be the killer, it seems, as he is too busy poking around this rundown shanty looking for something. And it's not "a little action" because he hides when Kimberly comes looking for him. He doesn't hide, however, when Robyn, disappointed that Pike turned down her advances, comes looking for him.

In my country, men and women share the flea-ridden couch.

He surprises her from behind and makes up some phony story about how he was searching the chattel for her (and looked everywhere except for where she would be sleeping). Still, Robyn is too deep in heat to see through his ruse. They start making out, some soft core porn music starts playing, and you are treated to a couple T ‘n A shots of Robyn. Which you, the reader, don't get to see. If you really want to see ‘em, you go pay the rental fee like I did for this double scoop of shit-flavored ice cream. Anyway, Kimberly actually walks in on the two of them, but she decides to let the two love birds dry hump in peace.

Mmm, good breakfast.

The next morning, the gang reaches the unanimous conclusion that they should go shredding. At first, there's some concern over Chad failing to show up the previous night, but it is soon dismissed by their desire to shred, and avoid being arrested for trespassing. And so, the slopes they did hit.

Dude, how did I light this with my mittens on?

And Kirk hits da chronic once again. He is kind enough not to bogart his joint as Skyler tells him that if Chad were dead, Kirk would be receiving all of his endorsements available to a snowboarder. At this point, I might as well point out something that I didn't even realize until well after movie had ended: Chad was the guy in the beginning who learned about the dangers of flossing. So smoke away, Kirk. Your financial success is closer than you think.

As they ride the chairlift that remained unused for years on end but started up without fault after a convenient button push, they spot a sign warning them not to jump off the lift. Of course, they're too stoned to realize the danger, and so Kirk jumps right off and into more shredding and punk music. Oddly enough, his shredding montage includes a couple shots in which it is obvious that he has wiped out, and that it is not a single successful run. Oh well, like I said, he's too high to care.

The others… there's some more lame jokes, and more friction between Cole and Kimberly, and she gives him a little yellow walkie talkie. More of the same boring crap, really. Let's get back to Kirk, now that his "run" is over.

Hello? Any grizzled old prospectors here?

He's happened upon a strange storage area, and still being quite high, he makes his way right up to the entrance, uttering "whoa" and "hey" and "dude" and every other line that made Keanu Reeves famous. He even adds an extra "whoa" when he sees that a mysterious skier in black has crept up on him with an ax in hand.

WILL KIRK GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM?
WILL SKYLER EVER GET LAID?
WILL ANY OF THESE LOSERS FIND WORK AGAIN?

CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 TO FIND OUT!


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