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Spooky Movie Spotlight
SLUGS!
by: -RoG-

Now that I finally have a video capture card just in time for the Halloween season (thanks Chojin), I now have the power to do some nice movie features. I'm not talking about high quality films that James Lipton jerks off to on a daily basis. No sir, I'm talking about those ultra-bad, low-budget horror flicks that hold a special place in all of our hearts. I've been watching cheesy horror flicks for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I remember going to the video store and wishing I could rent the movies with all the scary looking boxes. "Mom, can I rent that movie with the giant piranha eating the lady on the box?" "NO!" Ah childhood. Well, I'm not sure what it is that I like about these horror flicks, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the allure of witnessing extremely bad actors die again and again. And what better way to start things off than with an in-depth look at a movie all about slugs. KILLER SLUGS!

"Nice ROD ya got there, Wayne."

Ahh, fishing. Nothing drives the babes wild like a man and his rod. Actually, the blonde gal is quite bored and wants to go swimming, but stud-boy Wayne just wants to fish. So, she does what any self-respecting gal would do in a situation like this. She begins to strip. Calm down boys, you're not gonna be seeing any skin here, because just as she begins to undress...

Whoaaaaah!
KER-SPLOOOSH!

Oh my god! Pretty boy Wayne just fell in the water! What ever could be happening?? Actually, if you watch closely, it's pretty obvious that he's throws himself in the water rather than being dragged in by something lurking beneath. Acting at its finest folks. This does bring up an interesting question though. Was Wayne really pulled into the water? Or, is he really not interested in this girl and when she began stripping down, he decided to bail ship? Could they be subliminally suggesting that Wayne wasn't a heterosexual male? I'm sad to say that we'll probably never know the answer for sure.

Help, I'm like, in distress or something... sort of...

Soon Wayne's hand pops out of the water and moves around in a not-very-frantic manner for somebody who's supposed to be getting eaten alive or something. If I was being eaten alive underwater and had my arm sticking out I would at least make an effort that I was really in distress. Even blondie thinks Wayne is joking around and trying to scare her. Oh but she is wrong... DEAD WRONG! (was that cliché or what?)

Anybody got a straw?
NO! NOT THE SLURPEE DEATH!

I'm afraid it's true folks... Wayne has been turned into a 7-Eleven Slurpee - cherry flavor. If the bad acting wasn't enough to clue you in on the fact that this is a low budget movie, seeing that they couldn't afford decent looking blood for the opening sequence, and had to use cherry Slurpees instead, should be a sure sign for ya.

SLUGS: The Movie!
THEY OOZE. THEY SLIME. THEY KILL.

From here, we roll straight into the title in which a slug slime trail spells out the word 'SLUGS'. Sure it's not the most creative title sequence we've ever seen, but give 'em a break folks. Considering what this movie is about, I'm just happy they were able to spell the title correctly. So, I guess we are to assume that there are these super slugs that have the strength to pull a guy out of a boat and into the water and then make him a slurpee. Makes perfect sense to me! Next we are introduced to another classic horror movie cliché: the helpless, bumbling drunkard who is destined to die immediately.

*HIC*
Oh sweet nectar of the gods how I love thee!

After stumbling home with his dog, and taking a few more sips o' liquor, he enters his house only to find an eviction notice and some leftover pizza. Naturally, he's only interested in the leftover pizza like any good drunk should be. But the pizza is actually too crappy even for his dulled taste buds to handle. So, he chucks the box into his cellar and that's when we get our first glimpse of the evil that is in this house.

SLUGS!!!!!!!!!
SLUGS!!!!

Yes indeed his house is just crawling with the things, but he's too plastered to notice. For when he lies down on his couch...

HA HA! I'M DYING AND YOU CAN'T SEE ME! WATCH THE HAIR!

After flailing around on the couch for a bit, conveniently out of our view, we miss out on the gory slugfest, and instead get a nice view of his house while we listen to him scream. I'm already starting to feel really cheated. On a good note, the next day when the sheriff comes to investigate, he finds the remains of the ol' drunk. What's left? Well, frankly it's a skeleton with a bad toupee and a lot of blood. But hey, I'm not complaining. At least the blood effects are already improving. No slurpee here! So just how evil are these slugs?

I'm the sad orphan dog. :(
Evil enough to leave a dog alone in the world without his drunken, abusive owner.
THAT'S PRETTY GODDAMNED EVIL IF YOU ASK ME. >:(

Next we meet Mike Brady, the local health inspector. He thinks that rats could be the explanation for what ate the ol' drunk guy. I guess that's why he makes the big bucks eh? Well, Mike gets a call from an old lady complaining that the sewers are backed up. So he trucks on down there and meets up with his buddy Don Palmer from the sanitation department to inspect the sewers.

CAN I BE IN DEVO TOO? Wait a second! That's not fish in there!

Don takes his sewer work quite seriously as you can tell by his suit. No he's not handling plutonium or anything, he's just very wary of the methane gasses and toxins in the sewer. Thanks for the safety tip Don, we'll remember that one. So Don starts scraping around in the sewer pipes and begins to remove all sorts of nasty gunk including strange looking fleshy parts (which I'm pretty sure are just large pieces of fish from the local grocer). Some hooligan stuffed the pipes with fish! It's that classic gag that everybody loves! The stuff-the-fish-in-the-sewer-pipe-to-clog-it-up gag! Surely this must be what's been clogging up the sewers! Oh how wrong we were to think that. For when Don continues to poke around in the sewer pipes, something almost yanks his arm right in there. And since most dead fish really don't have the strength to move a full-grown man, Don knows something is very wrong and decides to split.

Kiss me babe, or I'll get mad and punch you cuz I'm the tough guy in this movie! Goat Killer? You're on drugs...

Now, cut to the high school where the kids are all just getting out of class. They head straight to the local diner for some good wholesome fun. Rumors about what happened to the old wino are already circulating like wildfire. One girl speculates to her friends (two of which can't stop sucking face, a sure sign that they'll die soon) that it was probably "The Goat Killer" that was responsible for the old man's death. The goat killer apparently "comes down from the hills at night, kills people, then eats them." What that really has to do with goats is beyond me. I would think somebody called "The Goat Killer" would come down from the hills and kill GOATS rather than people. But whatever... we also learn there's a Halloween party coming up this weekend. Gee, I wonder if anybody will die at it?

COME ON HAROLD! GET RID OF THE SLUGS! One size fits all!

Now we're brought to a greenhouse where Harold and his wife are tending to their plants. Harold's wife is badgering him about all the nasty slugs and slug eggs that are covering their plants and wants him to get rid of them immediately. Harold tells that ho' to get off his back, but he knows that she's the one in charge around here. So he goes to put on his gardening gloves and get to work. WAIT HAROLD! There's a slug crawling into one of your gloves! Don't put it on!!!

Cut them gloves off Harold! Dum dee doo dee dum...

Too late, Harold is already wearing the glove and the slug is chowing down on his hand. Now, you would think that if a slug in a glove was eating your hand you could just take the glove off and problem solved. Well, you'd be wrong. Apparently slugs have the ability to hold the glove on your hand while they eat it, making it impossible for you to remove the glove. I'm no physics major, so what they hell... I'll buy it.

So, Harold frantically grabs a pair of hedge clippers and starts cutting away at the gloves and blood trickles down his arm. Harold screams in pain, but his wife is inside cleaning and vacuuming the house while blasting the radio (yet another horror movie cliché - the screaming victim that nobody nearby can hear). Harold falls to the ground, and a bunch of plant chemicals spill as well. Harold is in agonizing pain and just can't get the slug off of his hand. So what's the next logical step?

Aaarrrrgh! I never did like that hand anyway!
Off with the hand!

Yep, Harold grabs a nearby hatchet and hacks off his own hand. Good thinking Harold, I'm sure you're in a lot less pain now. He continues to scream and the spilled plant chemicals continue to fizzle and fill the room with smoke. Fortunately, Harold finally screams loud enough for his wife to hear him.

Stop, Drop, 'n Roll! And all because of a slug eating his Harold's hand...

I say fortunately, because when she finally comes in to help him, the spilled plant chemicals catch on fire. And, of course, there's a gas can nearby and you know what that means. Say bye bye to Harold, his wife, and their greenhouse. Oh well, if nothing else, I'm pretty sure the slug that was eating Harold's hand is dead now.

"Big? THOSE THINGS ARE HUUGE!"

So, Mike Brady returns back home to his wife after a hard day at work only to discover that Harold and his wife died in a greenhouse explosion. As if this shocking news isn't enough, Mike notices the slug slime trails and the slugs in his wife's garden. "Jesus Christ those things are big!" And just like a curious little kid, he attempts to poke one of the slugs. And what happens next is, in my opinion, one of the greatest moments in cheesy horror movie history EVER:

MUST...EAT...FINGER!
CHOMP!

You saw it here first folks. An angry slug biting a human oppressor! I swear, I must have replayed this scene 20 times when I first saw it. I mean look at the thing. It has teeth, and a tongue and everything! Now I know where the budget for the entire movie went. It went into this little fella and I'll be damned if it wasn't worth every penny!

Anyway, Mike is obviously disturbed when the slug bites him. These obviously aren't your garden-variety slugs we're talkin' about here folks. So, he scoops one up into a jar and brings it to his wife's friend, John, who just happens to work in a science lab. John then proceeds to give us a lesson about slugs and how they leave a mucus trail behind them wherever they go. They actually use it to move. You can even place a slug on a razor blade and it will crawl across it without ever touching the metal. He also states that they basically feed on vegetation, not meat. Horror AND Education all in one movie. You can rent this movie for 2 bucks or you can spend thousands on college. I'll leave it up to you to decide which choice is better.

Oh baby... GO VEGETARIAN? Uhh, no thanks pal.

Meanwhile, the local rich folks are busy heating up the evening by being very naughty with super-sexy lines like:

  • "We've been eating too much red meat lately."

  • "Well I've gotta keep up my strength."

  • "Before you go any further, you had better decide whether you want your dessert before or after the main course."

See what I mean? There's nothing quite as sexy like when yuppies try to talk... well, sexy. But she wasn't kidding when she said they were eating too much red meat lately. She decided to fix her hubby a nice salad instead. Too bad the lettuce had a big juicy slug inside it! There's a real nice close up of the slug getting chopped up into sections inside the lettuce. And parents wonder why kids don't wanna eat their veggies? This is why folks.

Soon after, the husband complains about abdominal pains but he says it will pass. He's an important guy after all. No sense in worrying about your health when you've got a big shopping center deal to "clinch" the very next day. Just chug down a few Rolaids, right? Somehow I have a feeling we'll hear more from this guy again pretty soon...

Mmm! A tasty slug in a jar! RUN LITTLE HAMSTER! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the lab, John cuts up one of the giant slugs to examine the innards closely under a microscope. But he leaves the jar containing another slug open, and that slug starts oozing its way out and heads straight for the cute little caged hamster!

Will the John the scientist and his stupendous scalpel of death
stop the runaway slug before it gets to the cute little hamster?

CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 TO FIND OUT!

 


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