by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Back in the wheelhouse, Albert is chugging wine and, wouldn't you know it, he's steered the ship off course. You can't help but wonder why Rachel was so eager to give up her captain duties to this guy. It's not like she had something else she needed to do, and now they're lost because of it. She resists the temptation to dump her responsibilities on Albert again and takes the wheel. Albert, meanwhile, goes off to find more booze.

He just happens to have an entire chest of wine sitting on the deck, but somehow, the cat has snuck into it. There's no real problem, until Albert decides to share some of his wine by spitting it at the cat. Bad move, rummie.

The frantic jump cuts do little to hide the fact that Albert's rubbing himself with a mangy cat puppet.

In earlier scenes, it was implied that the cat was able to quickly kill his victims, possibly with extra-sharp claws and teeth. That was then, this is now:

Albert, bloodied but otherwise uninjured, throws his head back and starts yelling. Good lord, is he going to vomit up a smaller, mutated Albert to fight the mutant cat!? No, but something is definitely happening to him. A thumb-sized spot on his neck inflates and starts throbbing. It must be affecting his inner ear because he quickly tumbles over the railing and into the night sea. Now Walter is down to just one octogenarian thug!

Speaking of which, Mike is the only one who notices the sound of Albert hitting the water. He brings Walter out to tell him the bad news, but the two of them decide to ignore him to make their deadline in the Caymans.

The next morning, Rachel finally notices that Albert is missing. Gee, maybe that's what all that screaming and splashing was about last night. She tells Walter and Mike, but they convince her to just let it go. You see, if she ignores Albert and gets them to their destination on time, Walter will give her the papers to the yacht her father used to own... eh, who cares. Rachel makes a very weak show of claiming she cares about Albert's well-being, and the two crooks make an even weaker show of concern for their presumed-dead friend.

Martin dabs up some of the blood Albert spilled on the deck, and on a hunch, he decides to use Rachel's sextant as a microscope to check for... something. You see, he's a year away from his doctorate in biology. More importantly, though, how can you have a horror movie without some soft science? Martin claims that the blood is "1000 times normal," and that this means... well, we never find that out. Now, let's look at this:

Walter catches Bobbie doing some low impact aerobics. Her "workout apparel" get him going, and he starts groping her. Oh no, the thing that we all knew was going to happen happened.

Lance arrives in time to slap Walter around, but unfortunately, Mike arrives in time to shoot Lance.

Thankfully, the bullet only grazes Lance's arm. Corey is the next to arrive just in time. With great effort, he manages to disarm the elderly man, but then Mike gets the upper hand:

Ah, nothing like a good George Kennedy fight scene. Greydon Clark really has a knack for undercutting tension.

With Corey dispatched, Mike goes to retrieve his gun.

It's the mutant cat, and now he's bigger than ever! He tears through Mike's ankle like a hot puppet through butter! Mike shoots wildly, but is unable to score a hit as the cat flees.

One gunshot is fine, but half a dozen in a row are enough to rouse everyone else's attention. They rush in to find a bleeding Mike and a wounded Lance. Martin rushes over to Lance and says they need to "stop the bleeding." First of all, there is no bleeding. The bullet barely touched him. Second of all, the bullet didn't even have enough force left in it to break the window that was behind Lance, so I really don't see why everyone is so worried.

On the other hand, Mike's ankle has been shredded. Amazingly, even though Mike was the center of attention as he screamed and flailed about, no one saw the cat mutant clinging to his leg. He was shaking that damned leg for god's sake, and nobody saw anything!!!

Losing one old man was enough for Rachel. She grabs Suzanne and heads for the radio.

Walter has other ideas, starting with the death of a poor, innocent radio. He threatens to shoot Suzanne until Rachel agrees to start the engine and take them to the Caymans forthwith. She's already explained to Walter that the engine is suffering a cat-related malfunction, but he's sure he knows more about boat engines than her. He tries starting the engine himself, but gets only a shower of sparks for his efforts. Distracted as he is, Rachel manages to disarm him with a quick blast from a fire extinguisher. Crisis averted.

Meanwhile, poor Mike isn't looking so good. Martin explains that the cat is "highly poisonous." Corey, echoing the feelings of the audience, balks at the absurdity of the idea. Nevertheless, Martin explains that the sample of Albert's blood showed mutation. Not quite the same thing as poison, but that's how Martin's brain operates: little spurts of insight followed by long dry spells. Also, Bobbie finally admits that she saw the mutant cat because the idea of it getting away completely unseen was just a bit too farfetched. Back to our movie science lecture:

The mutation, Martin explains, is causing Mike's red blood cells to reproduce rapidly. That's why what happens next comes as no surprise:

I guess Mike's blood got so thick that it started bursting out of his body. His ankle starts throbbing, a vein in his leg bursts, and he gets some pulsating chest goiters. The goiters start getting larger and larger, but then Mike dies and they shrink back down. I wasn't expecting a full-on chestbursting sequence, but something would've been nice. Maybe the cat could've laid some eggs in his ankle, or something. Ugh, what a disappointment.

They bury Mike at sea. I guess that goes without saying.

With Walter safely locked in his room, everyone tries to relax as best they can. Bobbie is getting turned on by Lance's flesh wound when a noise from the closet startles her. Lance assures her it's just the boat creaking, but she's not so sure. Lance grabs a flashlight and she prepares to check inside the closet. "Are you ready?" she asks him. Yep, he sure is ready to shine a flashlight on you while you get mauled to death by a killer cat. Lucky for her the closet is empty. The moment of non-tension passes without incident.

Corey decides to go into Walter's room to taunt him, I guess. Earlier, the girls lamented that Corey was obsessed with money, but that obsession reaches new heights as he delights over Walter's collection of swag. Walter offers to show Corey something in the wall safe. It turns out to be a gun that he uses to blow Corey's head off.

Oh, if only. Instead, Walter pulls out one of the attache cases full of cash. He offers to make Corey his new stooge and cut him in on the payoff if he'll just help him get to his bank on time. Maybe Walter believes engines can be fixed through sheer force of will. As dumb as he is, Corey doesn't immediately trust Walter. "I'd be disappointed if you did," Walter remarks, "but try, son." I don't get it. He wants Corey to try and disappoint him?

Meanwhile in the engine room, Martin makes a horrifying discovery:

Corn flakes!

This can only mean one thing: the cat already has all the breakfast cereal, and now he wants to steal their milk!

No, that's not it. Martin explains that the cereal means that any food the cat comes in contact with becomes contaminated. How does the appearances of a few corn flakes mean the cat can poison their food? Who knows? Martin doesn't have all the answers!

They lock up the remaining food and put themselves on high alert.

Later on, Corey taunts Suzanne by pretending to be the killer cat. At first she's angry at him for scaring her, but fear is just a gateway to ribaldry. Pretty soon, they're engaged in some serious makin' out. It's not a particularly remarkable scene, except that the movie's haunting piano theme is suddenly converted into some synth-heavy softcore porn music.

[click to hear the original theme]

[click to hear the porno theme]

Ah, the art of filmmaking.

The romance continues the next morning, as Bobbie and Lance get into some heavy petting: Lance complains that his arm has gone numb. Bobbie knows that the best way to take care of it is to rub his sunken chest and give him a few wet, sloppy kisses. I'm so glad they managed to get the boom mic close enough to registered every disgusting slurp and splat in their makeout session.

Thankfully, the cat shows up to put an end to these shenanigans:

No, my mistake. He's just getting his fingers bitten off by a ROUS. I can't tell if the cat is supposed to be growing, or if this movie is just a cautionary tale about the importance of continuity.

There's still plenty more of Uninvited to see!
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