My dear friends, no... my brothers in battle, I come to you today with news from another world. A world where a man's soul can become one with that of a ferocious beast. A world that knows no limits. A world with no fears or hesitations. I am of course speaking about the world which the Ultimate Warrior comes from: Destrucity.
Now you may not have heard of this universe, and that's ok, the Warrior wishes to educate you. You see, after he was done with professional wrestling, he managed to create five comic books. Actually, I shouldn't even call them comic books, as they should be referred to as "life guides" due to the amount of wisdom found within their pages. One recurring theme in all of the comics is the explanation of Destrucity:
"Destrucity: tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning... 1. The name of the Galax in WARRIOR wherein the "Terrain of Testament" lies. 2. The Living of one's life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior's 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom. 3. The creating of a truce between one's Destiny and one's Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now... one's reality."
Got all that? Good. You're now on the path to completely become the energy of belief in self. Well after the first four comics came and went, Warrior threw us all for a loop with a special Christmas issue! Even more impressive, it appears to be a collection of random pin-up drawings of the Warrior in a winter wonderland, rather than a traditional comic book made with the intent of telling a cohesive story. So let's take a gander at these festive pages which demonstrate how our savior, the Ultimate Warrior, can change the way you look at something forever... even if that something is Christmas.
Remember when you were a kid lying in bed, and you thought you might've heard the pit-pats of Santa Claus skulking about on the rooftop of your home? Yeah well, by the looks of things, the Warrior plays it slightly less low-key than ol' Saint Nick. Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if those ribbons around his arms can attack at will, much like Spawn's symbiotic cape, so don't even think about asking him to pay for the damage to your roof. Just let it go.
The first two pages of the comic let us all know one absolute truth: in the universe of Destrucity, a WARRIOR needs no graphic design skills to convey his message, for he knows that his disciples will simply feel the words. And it's a good thing we disciples can feel the words, because if you actually try to read them, you'll get a splitting headache and blood will gush from your eyes within roughly five seconds. But that is, as they say, how they separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls, and the warriors from every other puny life-form in the galaxy.
Being one of his disciples, allow me to share with you some of the Warrior's infinite wisdom from these first two ocular-searing pages:
"Hey Mom, is this thing hanging between my legs good for anything other than just peeing?"
"Well when fatso opens his mouth this year, shove this Special Edition Warrior Winter Wonderland Pinup book down his throat and say... 'Paybacks are hell, aren't they Uncle Joe...'"
"Nobody fucks with a Santa Savior."
"My contacts at the North Pole have informed me that in recent years, Santa has gotten a bad rap as a goody-two shoes. Elf Comicdom has asked if I could help set the record straight (in exchange for a few cases of nude Barbies)."
"Santa carries with him a self-imposed vision. Characteristically a jolly courier of yuletide happiness, yet in the universe of Desctrucity we are fortunate he is seen differently in the mind of some..."
Impeccable.... absolutely impeccable. Somebody give this guy the Pulitzer!
I almost didn't realize it at first, but that's actually supposed to be Warrior disguised as Santa Claus. Not only are his arm bands ready to strike, I'm pretty sure his beard has taken on the same animalistic properties. Can you imagine this Santa sitting at one of those shopping mall booths for photo opportunities? There wouldn't be a single dry eye amongst all of the horrified children. That's one lap you don't want to sit on, because if you do, a power slam could very well be in your immediate future.
Yeah kids, I dare you... I fucking DARE you to stay up late at night to try and catch Warrior Santa delivering you your Christmas gifts. Do it and I guarantee he will pummel you to death with his candy canes that happen to be freakishly larger than your entire bodies. Happy holidays!
Hmm, I guess Warrior isn't always so ferocious. Maybe he let the eggnog go to his head? That's the only way to explain how he's playing with a radio-controlled Tie Fighter, some plastic army men and other various toys. Actually, it might be his arm and head bands that are playing with the toys; Warrior appears to be in a trance of some sort, no doubt meditating about who he should destroy next. See, if you're bad you don't get a lump of coal from Santa Warrior... you receive a Destrucity-filled big boot to the face.
Hey, if you were on the receiving end of a giant hand choke from the Ultimate Warrior, chances are pretty goddamn good that you'd be a Grinch too. Somehow, I have the feeling Dr. Seuss never saw this image because if he did, the lawyers from Whoville would be paying a visit to the Destrucity universe. I do not like choke holds and body slams. I do not like them, Sam I am.
Ok, I take it back; the Warrior reluctantly appears to be willing to listen to all of the children at the mall while they spout out everything they want for Christmas. Maybe it's because he just needs to sit down due to the fact that his testicles are insanely swollen. Oh wait, those are his leg muscles... I hope. Also, what's with the midgets in the line? Do they really think they can pass off as kids? The one on the far left even has a moustache for chrissakes. Surely, the Warrior will see this and pummel him for such a pathetic attempt at bamboozlement all in the name of getting extra presents.
If I were to make a wager about the kinds of scenes that the Warrior acts out in his mind 24/7, it would have to be something like this picture. From what I can tell, some crazed, giant purple beast has just attacked Santa and company while riding on his sled. Fortunately for them, Warrior has come to save the day with his face-smashing iron grip which literally made an eyeball explode from the monster's face. Some of the reindeer, however, appear to be screwed. But I'm sure the Warrior will eat the dead reindeer in an attempt to consume their "spirits" and gain more power to ensure that their deaths were not in vain. Still, I have no real idea exactly what's happening or what that monster is supposed to be. It looks like the kind of chaotic mess you'd see onstage at a GWAR concert. Regardless of what's taking place, I guess that monster didn't believe Warrior when he said, "Nobody fucks with a Santa Savior."
Whoah, whoah, WHOAH! Just what in the hell is going on here? One minute he's saving Santa from imminent death, the next minute he's got him chained to a pole and has stripped him of his jolly jacket... exposing Santa's true saggy ol' body. With that grin on the Warrior's face, I wouldn't be surprised if he was about to engage in some twisted S&M bondage action with the helpless ol' Kris Kringle. Either that, or he's really pissed that Santa didn't bring him the gift he really wanted this Christmas. That gift probably being "more power to destroy with." Whatever you did to piss off the Warrior, I sure hope it was worth it Santa, because your life is about to get a whole lot worse.
Alright, well, at least we're back on track with this one. I'm not sure what track we were on before, but I know involved rage and killing stuff - all the things that make a Warrior happy. In this pin-up scene, he appears to have done away with the smashing fisticuffs and picked up a broadsword to sever the heads of a bunch of Orcs. Well, I suppose if the Warrior can enter the world of Christmas and become Santa, he can also become Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. Whatever floats your boat buddy... just don't hurt me.
Ah, now here's an uncharacteristically heartwarming Warrior scenario. Santa is waving at the Warrior approvingly for his generous helping of the homeless. Gotta dig how the homeless don't really appear to be all that surprised even though an almost completely naked man has just darted into their alley in the middle of a frigid winter night. Yeah, I guess that's the kind of thing they see every day. Starvation can do that kind of thing to the mind.
Oh no they di-in't! These bad guys made the grave mistake of trying to rob the local orphan's home. But it wasn't just any home, it was the Warrior Orphan's Home! They must have really bad luck too, because it looks like they parked right on top of the spot where the Warrior rests under the ground... waiting. When he sensed their nefarious presence, the Warrior sprung up through many layers of wood and stone to hoist their minivan up into air and throw it into oblivion. One can only imagine how badly he mangled the bodies of those four hoodlums. Still, this image did raise one question: What kind of pansy-assed hoodlum would actually want to steal presents from an orphanage? I mean, there's a teddy bear on that cart of stolen gifts for chrissakes! Not exactly the kind of "score" most decent criminals would be after. I haven't even seen criminals that moronic on an episode of COPS.
Your guess is good as mine with this one. He could be delivering gifts (including a copy of his very first Warrior comic book) or he could be using that rope to tear that chimney away from the house and wield it as an ice-mammoth-smashing-weapon of some sort. Whatever the case may be, he's clearly quite pleased with himself, hence the rockin' out pose.
Now forget everything you've already seen so far, because this final image will change you forever:
WHAT. THE. FUCK!? Can somebody explain to me just what in the unholy name of Destrucity happened here??? It appears as though the Ultimate Warrior, got Santa all boozed up and then had his way with him. Holy shit! The Ultimate Warrior just raped Santa Claus! I repeat: THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR JUST RAPED SANTA CLAUS!
Out of all the ways to portray Santa... THAT is how you decide to end this pin-up book? That's the note you really wanted to go out on? Wow. WOW. Thanks Ultimate Warrior, you just raped my Christmas. You raped this Christmas and every other Christmas from this day forth for the rest of my life.
Believe it or not, after he left the world of wrestling, the Ultimate Warrior also became a conservative speaker and many people recall him saying, "queering doesn't make the world work," at UConn. Strong words Warrior. Stupid words too. But hey, by the looks of some of the pin-up images in your comic, "queering" at least makes Christmas work in your mind. Your logic is baffling to me, but perhaps that's because you're a supreme being from the universe of "Destrucity" where things like raping Santa Claus make perfect sense. Then again, perhaps one doesn't need to learn the ways of Destrucity to understand where you're coming from, Warrior. Perhaps all we mortals need to do is watch you from way back in your glory days of the WWF.
Somebody really should explain to him what you're supposed to do under the mistletoe.
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