-a rom hack of "Ninja Gaiden" for the Nintendo Entertainment System-
review by: Dr. Boogie

Greetings, rom hack enthusiasts. This time around, the focus is on the penis. The semi-prehensile organ that connects us back to our simian ancestors in ways that are purely metaphorical, and not meant to promote arousal. Indeed, a recent article in Popular Mechanics list the (male) penis as the third most useful boneless protrusion in the mammalian kingdom. But did you know that the penis has more uses beyond holding an extra sock and pointing out things that are slightly above or below waist level?

Turns out there are entire fighting styles that rely solely on the skilled use of one's own member. Even more surprising is that such martial arts are even more effective if you're a man who prefers the company of other men. And we happen to have a rom hack documenting this phenomenon.

Ninja Gayden is the product of Koko, a Western Gorilla who was taught American Sign Language at the San Francisco Zoo. Really, the blame for this hack falls squarely on her handlers for allowing her access to rom hacking software and a copy of the Ninja Gaiden rom. Nevertheless, if she has taken the time to learn how to replace certain art and story elements in the game, I suppose we should give it a look.

Not much has changed from the original story: Ryu, a member of the Gayabusa ninja clan, has just discovered a porno from his father, Ken, explaining that he has been involved in a "life or spooge penis duel" with some unknown figure. In the event that he doesn't return, his son is to take the legendary Faggon sword and travel to America in search of the pornographer, Gayboy Dicks.

Now, from the opening cinematic, you would think that Ryu would be donning his blue tights and arming himself with his new "Faggon" sword. Not so.

Koko, that pernicious primate, has given Ryu a pink outfit, complete with variable-size member. And would you be surprised if I told you the Faggon sword is actually a giant penis? No, of course not. You've read enough rom hack reviews to know when a giant penis is bound to show up.

Being the main character, you'd expect Ryu to be the high point of Koko's creative streak. As it happens, the changes don't end with turning the hero pink.

You see what Koko has done here? It's very subtle, but the trained eye will notice that these men all have long, thin boners. Also, the one in the middle has an anchor for a head. All of this, and we're only on the first stage! Can the boss top this?

Penis club? Check. Entire lower body replaced by giant twig and berries? Check. Flat, wiggling tip to allow ponderous motion? Check. Koko has thought of everything.

Or has she? A game like Ninja Gaiden is all about the dramatic storyline. Koko gave us a compelling introduction to the new story, but the question of whether she can follow through with it remains.

Well alright, now things are really moving. Ryu has endured "a bit" of raping, but now that the lube has worn off, it's time to escape with an unusually pointy dildo. But that is only the beginning of the penile palette swaps, the wrinkled tip of the turgid iceberg.

The running theme here is that penises will be flying at you, but balls must come scooting along the ground. And bravo to Koko for making the soldier's gun shoot a three-penis burst. I was expecting him to have a rifle-shaped penis that shot manspackle.

Notice the football player, and how his legs are just sack. I know it doesn't look all that great, but take my word for it. Putting drugs and sex and Nazi paraphernalia into a hack is a way to establish yourself as part of the rom hacking community. A way to show that you remember those who have come before you and the shit they have dumped on the world. Koko has done one better. Her scrote-walking quarterback is undoubtedly an homage to the Jomb "classic," Tran Tramps.

vs.

Certainly, the Jomb model is more refined (the shading on the two balls really gives the illusion of depth), but Koko knows to give credit when credit is due. And frankly, if you can't do quality, the least you can do is reference somebody else's work. I mean, look at this:

Another sword penis? A man with a kind of penis-looking leg for a single frame in his animation? We need new! We need dedication! You've got to make me believe that a penis can do more than just shoot life-threatening projectiles or be wielded like a club.

Here, we can see more nods to the classic rom hacking tropes: drugs, AIDS, Nazis, that sort of thing. Again, though, it's small stuff. A swastika here and there does not a successful rom hack make.

No, it's all about the story. Prior to getting sidetracked by all the other penises in this game, I was showing you how Ryu was getting ready to grab the Faggon sword and give his destiny a reacharound.

Having finally tracked down elusive pornographer Gayboy Dicks, Ryu presses him for information. Dicks admits that when he and Ryu's dad were "on a porno set in some old amazon ruins," they came across a strange dildo, and a stone penis with writing on it that explained the dildo: apparently, this unassuming statue has "enough gay power to straighten entire nations." At this point, I'm completely lost. How could gay power straighten things? Anyway, a demon came to earth and "caused many hetero." Luckily, it was defeated by "Gaynobi," who used the Faggon sword to seal the demon inside that very Amazonian porn set, and split its power between the "Homo" and "Hetero" demon dildos.

Then suddenly, before Ryu can ask Gayboy for clarification about all the different dildos in his story...

A ninja with a chip on his shoulder (literally, in the form of "FAG") swipes the Hetero dildo! Ryu gives chase, running into many unaltered enemies from the original game before finally retrieving the dildo. A minor setback, but it's taken care of now.

Oh no! Gayboy forgot to shut that window! Now he's bleeding, and in a hack like this, I shudder to think of what he was stabbed with. Oh, and Ryu is wearing his old clothes again.

To make matters worse, Ryu is abducted again, this time by a group of suits with guns. They take him to meet an even more frightening character.

He works for the GAY, and his name is Fagmor. Ryu is dumbstruck by his tumor-ridden head, so Fagmor breaks down the rest of the plot for him: the ancient Amazonian porn set that Gayboy discovered were built to house "the butt of the demon." At first, no one wanted anything to do with such a place, but then came a man named "Queeria de Mieux," aka "The Jacker." He wants all that gay power to himself, and since he probably has the Homo dildo, it stands to reason that Ryu should take the Hetero dildo and infiltrate The Jacker's base.

To his credit, he makes it pretty far in before screwing up big time.

The Jacker's lazy eye is seriously throwing Ryu off his game. Believing that a man who calls himself "The Jacker" won't betray you is just silly. He drops Ryu through a trap door into a pit. Ryu's been scaling walls for the better part of the game, so I have to assume the walls of this pit have been lined with the same lube that was used on him earlier by that mysterious lesbo.

Nevertheless, Ryu is able to escape through the pit's back door.

Little did he know that waiting high above him was a man named Whore. He once fought Ryu's father, but contrary to popular belief, he did not fuck him. If Whore didn't fuck him, who did? And was it because he was gay, as Ryu postulated in the opening cinematic?

Ryu defeats Whore and learns that his father has not been fucked at all. In fact, he's just a little further ahead.

Ryu's battle with the lightning-powered Whore was tough, but that old queen was nothing compared to Ryu's own father, or as he's now known, "The Masked Gaymo." Things are not as they seem, however. Ryu's father has been bewitched by some sort of homoerotic sorcery.

Luckily, Ryu is able to use his queer eye on the straight guy, and the illusion is dispelled just in time for the Jacker to launch a sneak attack. Also, Ryu isn't wearing his pink outfit anymore.

The Jacker hurls a balled up tissue at Ryu, but instead winds up mortally wounding his father. Well, Ryu has had it with this whole business. Gay Special Forces, international pornography, whores and jackers, it's all just too much. He takes out his rage on the purple fellow with the bum eye.

But oh no, the Jacker was merely a red herring. All this time, Ryu and his girlfriend had no idea that the "black moon" referred to on that stone penis was actually a "lunar reaming". Suffice to say, the earth is about to get cornholed.

At last the earth is safe. Neither jackers, nor whores, nor penis-wielding maniacs shall threaten her with global straightening ever again. Ryu gives GAY operative Lesbo Vag a totally platonic hug as they watch the sun come up. It's beautiful.

So that's Koko's take on Ninja Gaiden. I know gorillas are a critically endangered species, but honestly, if these are the kinds of things going through the average gorilla's mind, maybe we should just let them go extinct. Sorry gorillas, Koko ruined it for you. I see this hack as definitive proof that the average rom hacker is, at best, as smart as a gorilla, but in all likelihood, is simply a chimp with a set of word blocks that say "drugs", "nazi", and "penis".

Still have some lingering questions about what you've just seen? Well lucky for you, Koko also went to the trouble of hacking the manual. Learn the names of all your favorite stages like the Retard Mountains, and the Place of Menstruation. Read more in-depth explanations of your favorite. For instance, did you know that Fagmor is "considered young in terms of age"? This is the kind of knowledge you cannot do without if you hope to understand the message Koko was trying to convey with this hack. That message: "Please kill me!"

Have any questions or comments about this piece?

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