The Ten Most Dangerous Toys of 2007!
by: Protoclown

Every year in preparation for the Christmas season, the Massachusetts based group W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm) releases their "10 Worst Toys" list. No, it's not (intentionally) a list of toys that are embarrassingly lame, but rather a list of toys that are, for whatever reason, considered extremely dangerous. I always find myself fascinated by the bizarre toys that make the list, so I like to feature them here, along with my own analysis of why they're supposedly so "dangerous".

1. Go Diego Go Animal Rescue Boat
This floaty toy is based on a popular children's show, in which, as far as I can gather, all the characters have the same wide, freaked-out eyes of your average hardcore drug addict.

Why is it Dangerous?
Oh, sure, various watchdog groups claim that the real reason this toy was recalled was due to "lead paint", but I think that parents are probably simply uncomfortable with the way the show's protagonist runs around saving dangerous wild animals, thus encouraging children all over the globe to approach that rabid bobcat, hungry grizzly, or shitfaced wino. The less children have to do with a reckless youth like Diego, the better.

2. Sticky Stones
These small stones of "powerfully magnetized iron ore" can be strung together to make chains, and in-store display boxes come with a warning that "swallowed magnets can stick together across intestines causing serious infections and death."

Why is it Dangerous?
They say that the stuck-together magnets can cause intestinal perforation or blockage, but the real danger in my mind seems to be taking a crap after you ingest a handful of these things. I mean, just think about it-some of these stones are pretty big, or kind of jagged. Imagine the anal agony that you would endure if they were all stuck together in a long chain, or worse yet, a massive clump.

3. Jack Sparrow's Spinning Dagger
This plastic dagger toy straps to a child's wrist, and with the press of a button, spins wildly around while making electronic battle sounds, as if to suggest that your child actually possesses any natural talent or skills.

Why is it Dangerous?
W.A.T.C.H. says that their problem with this toy is that it doesn't come with the usual eye-stabbing warnings that accompany most toys with any kind of pointed end, but just look at that picture! It's not eyes parents should be worried about, it's wrists! All a child needs to do is sharpen that blade a bit, or rig up something similar with a real knife, and you've got an extremely efficient suicide machine right there! If I were to ever kill myself, I think I would do it in style with the Jack Sparrow Spinning Dagger.

4. Dora the Explorer Lamp
This lamp featuring popular children's cartoon character Dora the Explorer has a warning that "THIS IS AN ELECTRIC LAMP - NOT A TOY! TO AVOID RISK OF FIRE, BURNS, PERSONAL INJURY AND ELECTRIC SHOCK, IT SHOULD NOT BE PLAYED WITH OR PLACED WHERE SMALL CHILDREN CAN REACH IT." Also, like last year's Superman lamp, it also instructs to "unplug the product when leaving the house, when retiring for the night, or if left unattended". Yes, heaven forbid that a lamp marketed for children actually be used by children.

Why is it Dangerous?
Again, like the Superman lamp from last year, I have no idea what part of this lamp actually lights up. Is a light bulb supposed to screw into the top of her head? Or does her whole body light up, encouraging children to engulf themselves in flame to be more like their iconic cartoon hero? I suppose encouraging kids to screw light bulbs into whatever available orifice is not exactly a good thing either.

5. Lil "Giddy Up" Horse Sassy Pet Saks
This is a carrier bag intended for use by young children, though it can't make up its mind as to precisely how young, as it comes with a label attached to the horse which states: "FOR: AGE BIRTH & UP" and another attached to the sack (hopefully not of the horse) that reads: "THIS TOY IS INTENDED FOR CHILDREN AGES 18 MO. & UP". The makers of this toy hopefully do realize that babies are not born at 18 months of age?

Why is it Dangerous?
At a time when little girls are becoming sexualized at more and more disturbingly young ages as their parents dress them like whores, do we really need to be encouraging that behavior in infants as well by giving them an accessory bag to keep makeup and other such nonsense in? Sure, I understand that babies need lots of random crap toted around with them (diapers, bottles, etc), but this bag is marketed for the baby, not the mother.

6. Spider-Man 3 New Goblin Sword
This toy claims to be "one of the most awesome weapons ever wielded by human hands!" Aside from being blatantly untrue, the blade rapidly extends to over three feet long with the push of a button.

Why is it Dangerous?
It doesn't become evident until you see it outside of the box, but this "Goblin Sword" is obviously nothing more than a lightsaber! The real danger of this toy has nothing to do with "facial impact injuries" but rather has everything to do with George Lucas suing you and your family for everything your worth. That's right, kid, just think about the sad possibility of you and your parents spending this Christmas living in a cardboard box on the street, and all because you had to have "one of the most awesome weapons ever wielded by human hands". Doesn't seem quite so awesome now, does it?

7. Hip Hoppa
This toy has the embarrassingly stupid catch phrase of "Hip Hoppa 'Til You Droppa!", and consists of a "high energy ball" that you stand and bounce around on while holding an adjustable hand grip strap.

Why is it Dangerous?
It's not. At least, not compared to the Pogo Ball we had back in the 80s, which didn't have any pussy "hand grip strap". No, your ankle strength was the only thing standing between you and certain death back then. And they certainly didn't encourage any pads or helmets then either like they do now. So it seems to me the only danger involved in this watered-down version of the toy is in getting your ass kicked by other kids because you look like a goddamned goober while bunny hopping around on the stupid thing.

8. B'Loonies Party Pack
With this toy you're supposed to squeeze a blob of toxic, flammable chemical from one of the tubes, stick it to the end of the blowpipe, and then you "create fun b'loonie shapes" by huffing into the hole.

Why is it Dangerous?
Aside from the less-worrisome dangers of encouraging children to smear toxic, flammable goo all around their faces, this toy is a natural precursor to teenage drug use. Just think how easily they'll take to the bong as they subconsciously recall the techniques that the B'Loonies Party Pack prepared them for all those years earlier. And from there, it's just a short step away from the crack pipe for them and their life will be ruined forever. Thanks, B'Loonies!

9. My Little Baby Born
Toddlers apparently derive some kind of enjoyment by taking care of this plastic demon baby by treating it "just like a real baby!"

Why is it Dangerous?
Parents are concerned that the pacifier, which goes into the baby's mouth, is too easily detached from the pajamas it's tied to, and then might end up a choking hazard for their real children. Wait a minute, let me get this straight- parents are concerned that babies might put a fucking pacifier in their mouth? Either pacifiers have been a choking hazard all this time, and we've needlessly and foolishly been endangering every child for hundreds of years, or they're perfectly safe, and someone is being incredibly retarded. It seems to me that some parents out there obviously require pacifiers of their own, so they can shut the fuck up and stop bothering everyone else with their stupid bullshit. 

10. Rubber Band Shooter
This toy, which promises plenty of "old fashioned fun", admonishes the wielder that it's intended "for target practice only! Do not aim at people!". But really, what other reason does a rubber band gun exist for?

Why is it Dangerous?
Just look at the picture of this thing. It's obviously just a reshaped coat hanger, so I'd say the real danger parents are worried about is that children will convert it into a makeshift "Do It Yourself Abortion Kit". Thousands of teenage girls who get knocked up will visit their little brother's room to make use of this little gadget, and then the next time little Timmy unwittingly fires it as his friend Bobby, ol' Bobby gets an eyeful of placenta juice.

Honorable Mention: Aqua Dots
W.A.T.C.H. actually includes this one in their "Top Ten" list, proving that math is not their strong suit. These craft kits, which allow your children to make colorfully gay bead art, apparently caused two children to "slip into a comatose state" after ingesting the beads.

Why is it Dangerous?
These beads are covered in some kind of coating that "contains a chemical that can turn toxic when many are ingested." Wait a second-the chemical turns toxic? It either is toxic or it isn't. If you're telling me that it spontaneously transforms into something toxic after enough of them have been swallowed, this isn't simply a toy-it's an assassin's wet dream! Yes, test your food for poison all you like, but it will come up clean-until it's in your stomach, at which point you will die a horrible death.

That's it for this year's W.A.T.C.H. list. I personally recommend that you think twice before buying any of the toys on this list. Not because of the inherent danger involved, but because if I had gotten any of these lameass toys for Christmas when I was a kid, I would've been setting a death trap for Santa the next year, which my dad probably wouldn't have appreciated the next time he tried to start up the fireplace.

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