A Message From One Of Gary Busey's Teeth
by: Max Burbank

Hello. Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to listen to me, one of Gary Busey's teeth. Specifically, his upper right lateral incisor. I want to make clear that I am one of Gary's remaining real teeth, and not one of the false ones he has had installed due to his many, many incidents of head trauma. This is not meant as a sign of disrespect to any of Gary's false teeth, some of whom are close personal friends. They are fine false teeth. I'm just saying.

Mr. Busey recently issued a statement through his agent apologizing to the actress Jennifer Garner for embracing her repeatedly during a red carpet interview with Ryan Seacrest. While certainly an awkward moment, that is not why I am speaking to you today. I have no power over the actions taken by Mister Busey's head and body. I do not influence his choices or in fact advise him at all. That being said, if I had a chance with Ms. Garner, red carpet or not, I would take it. Not that way though. To put it bluntly, Mr. Busey can be something of an oaf. I would woo Ms. Garner. Because quite obviously she is a refined woman one would need to woo if one wanted any chance of, at some future point, nailing her. I want to say clearly that the only reason Gary Busey has more of a shot than I do with Jennifer Garner is that he is a human being and I am a tooth. And frankly, I don't think he has much more of a shot. I am confident that if she knew me, she would like me. I do not think it is out of the realm of statistical possibility that if she did know me, after a long friendship, she might let me nail her one time if I got her really, really drunk first, although the next day when I called her at work she would probably tell me we both knew we'd made a mistake and should just pretend it never happened, and then I would have to question whether I had indeed rocked her world as much as I'd thought at the time. All of that is neither here nor there.

It is only by unfortunate coincidence that this entire business of the head and body of Gary Busey making apology to the actress Jennifer Garner, which I am told he did via an e-mail, happens now. I planned this announcement long before Mr. Busey pawed the actress Jennifer Garner on national television like some sort of lewd, drunken ape that did not even notice Ryan Seacrest was interviewing her. If you don't believe me, check my date book. Incidentally, I would also bang Ryan Seacrest like there was no tomorrow if circumstances allowed. If that surprises you it is only because of your ignorance. To teeth, the heads and bodies of men and women look pretty much the same, though admittedly some are hotter than others, the heads and bodies of celebrities being a particular turn on. Ask any of your own teeth, they will tell you the same.

No, the reason I, the upper right lateral incisor of Mr. Gary Busey, have asked to speak to you today has nothing whatever to do with the delightfully tempting actress Jennifer Garner, alluring nugget of carnal enticement though she be. Nor will I be distracted by the tangential inclusion of the delectable and wanton celebrity spokesperson Ryan Seacrest, though quite frankly it is an effort for me to stop imagining a serendipitous encounter with him in a health club bathroom where caution and towels are thrown to the wind. Plus, I don't know if you all knew this, but at the time Mr. Seacrest was interviewing the actress Jennifer Garner, the actress Laura Linney was also present. At first it didn't click with me who she was, I just thought 'Hello, comely lass", but later I googled her and it all came together for me. I want her in the worst way. I didn't at first, but I Netflixed a few of her movies. Have you seen "Savages"? Seriously, the more you watch that woman work, the more she... I mean, okay, Ryan Seacrest would make me a very happy tooth indeed, Jennifer Garner, you'd have to have a root canal not to want that, you know I'm right, but that Laura Linney, holy Jesus on a water slide with a trombone, I want to wake up next to her for the rest of my life! After a long night of making her know what it means to be a woman. WOOOOOOOOOOOH! HOT STACK OF PANCAKES COMING THROUGH! COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE KITCHEN WITH THE CANDLE STICK!! CAR ALARM NOISES!! CAR ALARM NOISES!!

Seriously though, I would have noisy rough sex with Laura Linney until the cows came home if not for the fact that I am a tooth. MAN, fate is a cruel mistress, no? We can all agree on that.

What are you looking at? I'm not supposed to have desires because I'm a Gary Busey tooth?! The hell with that. You have no idea. I am a tooth of constant sorrow. You think I don't know I'll never bed down with a celebrity of any kind? The kid that played Skippy on "Family Ties" wouldn't throw me a roll in the hay from pity! I couldn't score a fat unknown homeless person with gout who has never once been on TV! It does not happen! There is no record in all of human history of a tooth having even a one night stand with a human being of any stripe whatsoever although we are often forced to participate unwillingly in your frankly hideous human congress!! If God gave us arms and hands and knives or guns or something we would SLAUGHTER YOU LIKE PIGS!!

ARTIST RENDERING

Plus, you'd look pretty stupid. I mean think picture it. Teeth with arms and hands. Even the actress Jennifer Garner would have a hard time getting work OUTSIDE OF A FREAK SHOW!!!

I'm sorry. I can see I have upset you. Well, the truth hurts, doesn't it? I can't even remember what it was I was going to make an announcement about. It must have been pretty important. I think it may have been about tolerance. All I can say right now is that is was categorically not about sex between human beings and teeth. I guess I'm going to have to get back to you. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive this humble Gary Busey tooth for this admittedly awkward moment in all our lives. And if any of you feel even slightly moved to comfort me with sex right now, it would be very easy for me to clear a place in my schedule.

No? Okay. Maybe later. I'll text you.

Thank you and god bless.

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