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A Statement From William Shatner's Kidney Stone
by: Max Burbank


For those of you who don't know me, I'm William Shatner's Kidney stone, the one he sold on E-bay to Goldenpalace.com, the same outfit that bought the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. I guess that makes me just about the most famous kidney stone ever, and I guess that's why I feel I needed to come forward and make this statement.

To boldly go where no kidney stone has gone before!

First of all, I had nothing to do with the deal, I wasn't involved in the planning, and frankly I'm a little embarrassed at all the attention. I'm just a kidney stone, a mass of crystals, mostly calcium, that separated out of Bill's urine and formed into a mass on the walls of one of his Kidneys. I don't even know which one. I'm on the larger size for a Kidney Stone but nowhere near the record, which was 1.6 Kilograms! Now that was a stone.

My point is, I'm nothing out of the ordinary. Every year a large number of Kidney stones get surgically pulled into the light of day. How many? Who knows, because honestly, who cares? Until now. I'm pretty sure no one has paid much of anything for a Kidney Stone prior to me, let alone $25,000.00. Read it and weep, my friend. That's more than you make in a year at Orange Julius. What, did they think I was SHARON Stone? 'Cause if GoldenPalace wants a quick shot of my Beaver, it's gonna cost even more! I'm kidding. I'm a Kidney Stone, I don't have a Beaver.

Anyway, as the first Kidney Stone ever to be in the Limelight, I have a few things I feel I need to say. Actually, it's not Limelight, it's formaldehyde. No, no, kidding again. It's alcohol. No one uses formaldehyde anymore, all specimens are preserved in alcohol these days, don't ask, I don't know why, I'm a Kidney Stone.

Okay, first of all I did not see a penny of that money and neither did Shatner; it all went to Habitat for Humanity. Look, GoldenPalace paid Three Grand more for the Virgin Mary cheese Sandwich, and she has a BITE taken out of her! And frankly? I share a trailer with the so-called holy sandwich, and okay, maybe there's something there, maybe, but it looks just as much like pre-plastic surgery Greta Van Sustern as it does the fucking Virgin Mary. Christ for all I know it's a miraculous appearance of Sharon Stone's Beaver on a cheese toast! All I'm saying is it's quite obvious these GoldenPalace guys are fucking nuts. It's not my fault they shelled out twenty-five grand for a damn Kidney Stone, I didn't get the money, it went to a very respectable charity! I have not 'gone Hollywood', I am not 'stuck up', I never met Paris Hilton, I am a Kidney Stone.

Incidentally, these GoldenPalace guys? Paid $25.00 for a Cheeto shaped liked the Baby Jesus. I shit you not! What the fuck is wrong with these guys? You can get a whole bag of cheeto's for a buck! They're all shaped liked something! Hey, look, GoldenPalace guys! This Cheeto is shaped like William Shatner's fucking Kidney Stone!

Okay. I think we're straight now. In closing, I'd just like to say that I can kick Patrick Stuart's Kidney Stone's ass. Kidding, kidding! Come on, lighten up, I have no idea if Patrick Stewart ever even had a Kidney Stone. And if he did, it wouldn't have an ass. It's a Kidney Stone! Come on, get with the program!

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