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Mystery Surprise Grab Bags for Boys and Girls!
by: -RoG-

There's not too many reasons to go to your local dollar store, unless of course, you have a strange addiction to purchasing 4-packs of "101 Dalmatians" Pudding Snacks that have been there for well over five years or of course toys with hidden nazi propaganda within them. But there is one item that has been covered with a $1 dollar shroud of mystery for decades.


Not only are these bags filled with unknown goodies (or horrors) but there are separate bags made specifically for boys or girls. With 3 dollars in-hand, three of us ventured out to the local dollar shop to finally uncover just what in the hell was in these bags. The things we do for you people...

It's not a flaming bag of poo...

Proto was the first to cautiously remove the ultra-secure staple which has kept a tight seal on the secrets of the dollar mystery bags for so many years. What a brave lad! So what did he find within the dark depths of his mystery bag?

Gee, maybe a flaming bag of poo would've been nicer.

Nothing worth spending a dollar on, that's for damned sure. For the record, the contents of his bag included:

  • Magic Dough (generic playdough that smells like cookies, so perhaps it's actually cookie dough?)

  • 4 Butterscotch candies (the kind that your parents tell you not to eat after they inspect your Halloween candies because they worry they might be poisoned)

  • 2 Tootsie Rolls (both capable of cracking a tooth)

  • 1 Strawberry Tootsie Roll Pop

  • 1 pack of Smarties

  • 2 extremely cheap toy cars

  • 3 balloons (all of which had a strange, sticky white substance on them. In other words, you'd probably catch a disease trying to blow-up these balloons)


Sorry your grab bag sucked Proto, care for a 101 Dalmatians Pudding snack?

Ain't she a purty young lass?

Next up is Andrew-etta. He had to play our girl for the day because we didn't have a female on-hand who was willing to come to the dollar store to buy a mystery surprise grab bag. Go figure, huh?

Yep, ya gotta get 'em started with gambling when they're young

Hmm, ok so how is this catered to girls? Let's see what we've got here...

  • 2 mints (the kind you can get a handful of for free at just about any goddamned restaurant on earth)

  • 2 Tongue Splashers bubble gum balls.

  • 1 chocolate Tootsie Roll pop

  • Another shitty balloon

  • Magic Dough

  • A pencil with shiny purple swirly designs (oooh!)

  • A pack of playing cards

Ahh yes, it's that last item that really makes me see why this is a girls grab bag.


Ah yes, the Ace of Spades. Lemmy would be proud. You go girl!


Last in line was my bag, would I draw the lucky bag or would I get the exact same stuff as Proto got in his manly mystery bag? Well let's take a gander...

decent stuff... maybe worth a buck?

Hey, now that's not a bad haul, well at least compared to the other bags. All of the candies are name brands even! Ok, I really shouldn't be this excited. My bag came with the following:

  • 4 packs of Tongue Splashers bubble gum

  • 4 packs of Smarties

  • 2 packs of smaller Smarties

  • 2 more of those cheap-assed toy cars

  • 1 jug o' Sour Apple Scented Miracle Bubbles

I'd have to say that the bubbles are the best thing to come out of these 3 bags. And they really do smell like apples, which is only going to make kids want to drink the bubble mix until they puke up their innards.


Just remember kiddies, whenever you're blowing bubbles, keep that pinky out like a proper young man and practice bubble blowing safety!

So what have we learned from the dollar store today? The lesson is simple.

Poker Games = Girls

Blowing Bubbles = Boys

Got it? Good.

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