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Ebay is
a most unusual beast. In it, you can find just about anything. Our own
RoG has found a number of weird little toys from an assortment
of Wildlife Treasury cards to a DVD of 3 Dev Adam, and I've used it to
secure copies of the great movies that we do big features on.
Recently, though, RoG brought to my attention a most unusual bit of
eBay fodder. It wasn't an overpriced Xbox 360 or a blanket with a
stain shaped like the Virgin Mary; no, this was something entirely
unique (and thankfully, inexpensive). And so, for five US dollars, I
bought myself the Hulk Hogan "Thunderlips" doll.
Now I
know that some of you out there must be thinking that this new bit of
Hulk Hogan paraphernalia coupled with the "Hulk Hogan: Real American
video" piece and the 'Hulk Rules" album review is just our way of making a lame plea for attention from the Hulkster. We'll you're right. We here at I-Mockery.com are always
looking for ways to sell out, myself in particular because this whole
humor thing isn't really working out for me. Right now, the best way
to do that is to attach ourselves to the Hulk Hogan franchise.
Getting back to the doll, as you can see, it is fairly
bizarre-looking. The plastic head bears the likeness of the Hulkster,
but the rest of the doll is a different story. Take a closer look and
you'll see what I mean:
As I later found out, the doll is supposed to be a likeness of Hulk
Hogan as he appeared in the film Rocky III, as the character
"Thunderlips - The Ultimate Male". Thunderlips fights Rocky
near the beginning of the movie in a charity exhibition match. The
referee even announces him as a "mountain of molten lust!".
Also, Thunderlips constantly calls Rocky a meatball during the
fight, so how can you go wrong
with a wrestler with credentials like that?
It's a very odd doll as a whole. In addition to the fact that his
head is almost as big as his entire torso, and that he has creepy
little baby hands, his outfit is all wrong. For starters, I didn't
watch too much professional wrestling when I was a kid, but I'm pretty
sure that I never knew the Hulkster to wear a cape, so why make
Thunderlips wear one? That's just going to confuse the fans.
Furthermore, if the real Hulk Hogan ever did wear a cape, I doubt that
he would have worn one with linen stitched onto the edges. Unless his
grandmother knitted it for him, and even then, you would think that
he'd only wear it long enough to throw it over his opponents and beat
them with the strength of the famous 24-inch pythons.
The Hulkster is also known for wearing pre-ripped, sleeveless yellow
shirts with his pseudonym splayed across the front, and ripping off
said shirts for dramatic effect. I don't think a shirt held together
by a Velcro strip on the shoulder qualifies as a pre-ripped shirt, but
it is yellow. That must count for something. Of course, Thunderlips
didn't wear a shirt at all, so I guess the plain yellow shirt on this
doll is some
kind of compromise, or something.
Hulk Hogan also made a habit of wearing skintight banana-hammockish shorts in the ring,
a trend that was carried over to his Thunderlips character. The doll's
shorts, however, are on the opposite end of the spectrum. They're
extremely loose-fitting, so much so that half the time, they don't
even stay up. That, along with the cape, might serve as an effective
couple of distractions during a match, but a doll with such an
unfortunate wardrobe malfunction is bound to upset some parents.
Fortunately, this Hulkster has about as much definition as a Ken doll.
In the crotch, I mean. Ken had some pretty nice pecs, as I recall.
But maybe I'm just being too hard on the Thunderlips Hogan doll. He
may be a bit puffy and poorly dressed, and also he's missing Thunderlips'
whip and flamboyant hat from the movie, but I shouldn't hold all that against him.
Why, with a little effort, I'm sure he could whip himself back into
shape, and become a suitable heir to the Hulkster ways. Isn't that
right, Thunderlips?
Uh oh. Well hopefully, that was just an accident.
"Woo! Spring Break, brother!!"
Well, he's starting to sound like the real Hulk Hogan. That's a good
start, but if he really wants to secure the Hulk Hogan legacy, he'll
need to work up some muscles on that puffy frame of his. Stand at
attention, Thunderlips!
Good. Now then, you look like you haven't done any exercise since
Rocky III. We need to get you in shape. How about you drop and give me
twenty.
"Uuughghhrrrrggg… one."
"pwwwaaaah!"
Hey, wait a minute. Where did your other shoe go?
I don't think Thunderlips had hooves in the movie, but whatever.
"Quit yer jabberrin' and help me find my shoe. Oh yeah!"
That's Randy Savage's thing, TL. Anyway, why don't you
get your ass
up and go look for it yourself?
"You dare sass-back me? I'm gonna… ah, to hell with it. I'm gonna
go watch Suburban Commando. You stay here and smell what I'm cooking."
Wrong wrestler again, TL. Well, it looks like he may have been a lost
cause. We'll just have to wait for another ambitious young product to
come along and prove itself worthy to fill the Hulkster's wrestling
boots. Maybe the Hulk Hogan Real American Barbeque Apron…
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie
Click here to see the 'Hulk Rules' album
Click
here to see Hulk's 'Real American' video
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