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Whenever I'm in a grocery store, I can't help but ogle the vending
machines that they have. It's always amusing to see the latest crappy
toy items that they've stuffed into 'em. Sure, every now and then you
can luck out and get something really great like a
mini-ninja, but most of the time
you just get a SpongeBob sticker or an N*Sync digital watch from 4
years ago. Of course, there's always plenty of
goop to be purchased... but the
allure of getting a "random toy surprise for only 25 cents!" is often
far too tempting to pass up.
That
being said, I recently went to my local grocery store and spent my 25
cents on the random toy machine. And what did I get? See for yourself:
A MUTANT STORMTROOPER PENCIL TOPPER!
Yep, it
appears the Emperor had some other plans for some of his most loyal
Stormtroopers: GENETIC EXPERIMENTATION! The only thing this
poor bastard still has is his head, and I'm not even sure about that.
For all I know, there could be some hideous beast behind that
Stormtrooper mask of his. Whatever the genetic experiment was, it
turned the Stormtrooper's body almost completely green... except for
his groin area. There's a little splotch of hot pink down there.
Now
there are many things in life that I wish to call into question, but a
Stormtrooper with a hot pink groin area is not one of them. Some
things are just better kept secret.
As you
can see our little Stormtrooper no longer needs his blaster rifle...
it's not like he could fire them since he now has friggin' LOBSTER
CLAWS instead of hands! Oh, but that's not the end of it.
Pretty
much everything below his neck was horribly mutated. See, your average
Stormtrooper, while easy to kill, generally appears to be in good
physical condition. This guy, however, has definitely put on a few
pounds. And it's not the normal "globby fat" (as I like to call it)
that people develop from a lack of exercise and/or eating too much. He
actually has 4 rings o' fat going around his waist. It's like they
cross-bred him with a lobster and the Michelin Tire Man. And yet
there's still more!
Indeed,
he now has rocket jets instead of feet. I never knew how "dark" the
dark side of the force really was until now. Then again, maybe there
was some logic to creating fat, rocket-propelled, lobster troopers.
Think about it.
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The
empire wouldn't have to waste resources on building/purchasing blaster
rifles and other weapons for these new mutant troopers. They already
come with built-in lobster claws! And we all know that lobster claws
are perfect for attacking enemies... or at least pinching them fairly
hard.
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The
tire-like fat rings might allow the storm troopers to absorb a blast
from an enemy. Or perhaps, when these mutants aren't needed by the
Emperor, they can fill-in as stunt doubles for the Michelin Tire Man.
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The
rocket jet feet would definitely make-up for the sluggishness that
their increased body weight would bring on. If anything, they'd be
even more proficient in catching their enemies on foot. Besides, it's
not like they'd expend any energy hunting them down.
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The pink
crotch would easily... oh wait, we're not talking about that.
So you
see, maybe there is good reason to make these mutants. Perhaps this is
actually a sneak preview of things to come in the third Star Wars
chapter from George Lucas? Or maybe, just maybe, this is a cheap,
unlicensed piece of shit that some stoner with access to one too many
toy molds came up with.
I
suppose only time will tell.
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