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THE HEALING POWERS OF GOOP
by: -RoG-

Trials and tribulations. It seems like there's more and more of them for the nations of the world to face every day. There's evil all around us. Sometimes you can't even distinguish the evils from one another. Such as comparing terrorists to say, oh I dunno... the Enron Corp.? Whether it's somebody bombing our buildings, taking us hostage, or giving us the "shaft" at work... the fact is, we have to find a way to deal with all of these shitty things. Luckily, I think I've finally found the solution to all of our problems.


G-O-O-P!

Goop. Slime. Sludge. Snot. Booger Juice. Sticky Shit. Neon Excretions. Whatever you wanted to call it, "Goop" was and is still to this day, one of the most celebrated substances on earth. I don't know a single kid that doesn't remember going to the grocery store with mom and seeing those plastic bubbles in the vending machines that were filled with the bright neon Goop substance. Us kids didn't know what the fuck it was, but it looked cool as hell! We had to hold it in our hands at least once! So after she was done grocery shopping, we begged mom for change as if it was for feeding a crack addiction. We simply HAD TO HAVE IT!

Now if your mom was really daring, she'd give you the quarter for the goop without even asking. But some moms would see that stuff and say those two horrible words us kids hated to hear: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!". Eugh... she'd lecture you about how it would end up in the carpet or how you'd probably feed it to your baby sister or pet or something. Of course, she did have a good point because, let's be honest here... once we were done feeling the strange goopy substance, we were all dead set on testing Goop's carpet cleaning powers and daring a friend to eat some of it. We all thought that, right? RIGHT!?

Anyway, if mom wouldn't give you a quarter to buy it, you could always sneak up to the grocery store manager and tell him/her that the vending machine ate your quarter. My siblings did that many-a-time and they'd always get free Goop. The strange smell of the goopy substance would be on your hands for at least a day or two after you had been playing with it.

So how can Goop possibly solve all of our problems? It's really quite simple. First off, Goop is CHEAP. Just about anybody can get the stuff. In a time where most people pay 17-20 bux for a mediocre-at-best album from an overpaid band, it's nice to know that there are still things out there that can provide us entertainment for an affordable price. The other thing about Goop is that
it just makes you happy. Two people could be having a huge fight, but if you place Goop in their hands, their minds simply drift off into another realm. "Dude! This stuff feels gnarly! It's like, whoah!" (well that's what a surfer might say if he got a hold of some Goop, but you get my point...)

Just think of all the people and things Goop could have saved if they had just given it a chance...

Enron
"I tell ya, if I had some Goop in my hands during those final moments, I might not have pulled the trigger. Hell, I bet it would have been cool to see what the Goop would look like if I ran it through one of our paper shredders!" -Enron Vice Chairman, J. Clifford Baxter.

Jaguar
"If only our marketing people had thought of including a small plastic bubble filled with Goop, the Atari Jaguar might have been a much more successful video game console. Hah, who are we kidding, it was a piece of shit, but we could have at least given people something that was entertaining... like Goop! By the way, do you have any spare change?" -Homeless Atari Jaguar Developer

Osama
"And the Americans must pay for their horribl... say, what is this strange blue substance? It squishes in my hand like my poop but it does not smell like my poop! It doesn't even taste like my poop! I love it! What's that you say? Americans made this substance? Ok, so maybe they're not that bad after all! I will stop all of the senseless killing, just as long as they send me some more of this tasty blue substance to eat. It's much more fun to eat than my own poop!" -Osama Bin Laden

Ravers
"Whoah! This stuff dances better than we do! I think I'm in love with this stuff! Hey Goop can you say 'P.L.U.R.'? Ha! I heard it say it man! The Goop said 'P.L.U.R.'! This is like sooooo intense! I'm so tripping out on this Goop stuff man! No way! It's like calling to me man! It's crawling all over me like ants and it's calling to me! Like really way! Hey, where's my wallet?" -Idiot Raver

Dubya
"I don't get it." -George W. Bush

Ok, well, Goop may not have been able to save EVERYBODY, but it obviously could have helped out a lot of people and things in their time of need. Goop is simply mesmerizing and fun for all! So, when I look towards the future, I see a world united under an umbrella of Goop. Fellow humans, hold your Goop high in the air with pride, for this substance just might be our salvation!


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