Trials and tribulations. It seems like there's more and more of
them for the nations of the world to face every day. There's
evil all around us. Sometimes you can't even distinguish the
evils from one another. Such as comparing terrorists to say, oh
I dunno... the Enron Corp.? Whether it's somebody bombing our
buildings, taking us hostage, or giving us the "shaft" at
work... the fact is, we have to find a way to deal with all of
these shitty things. Luckily, I think I've finally found the
solution to all of our problems.
Goop. Slime. Sludge. Snot. Booger Juice. Sticky Shit. Neon
Excretions. Whatever you wanted to call it, "Goop" was and is
still to this day, one of the most celebrated substances on
earth. I don't know a single kid that doesn't remember going to
the grocery store with mom and seeing those plastic bubbles in
the vending machines that were filled with the bright neon Goop
substance. Us kids didn't know what the fuck it was, but it
looked cool as hell! We had to hold it in our hands at least
once! So after she was done grocery shopping, we begged mom for
change as if it was for feeding a crack addiction. We simply HAD
TO HAVE IT!
Now if your mom was really daring, she'd give you the quarter
for the goop without even asking. But some moms would see that
stuff and say those two horrible words us kids hated to hear:
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!". Eugh... she'd lecture you about how it would
end up in the carpet or how you'd probably feed it to your baby
sister or pet or something. Of course, she did have a good point
because, let's be honest here... once we were done feeling the
strange goopy substance, we were all dead set on testing Goop's
carpet cleaning powers and daring a friend to eat some of it. We
all thought that, right? RIGHT!?
Anyway, if mom wouldn't give you a quarter to buy it, you could
always sneak up to the grocery store manager and tell him/her
that the vending machine ate your quarter. My siblings did that
many-a-time and they'd always get free Goop. The strange smell
of the goopy substance would be on your hands for at least a day
or two after you had been playing with it.
So how can Goop possibly solve all of our problems? It's really
quite simple. First off, Goop is CHEAP. Just about anybody can
get the stuff. In a time where most people pay 17-20 bux for a
mediocre-at-best album from an overpaid band, it's nice to know
that there are still things out there that can provide us
entertainment for an affordable price. The other thing about
Goop is that
it just makes you happy. Two people could be having a huge
fight, but if you place Goop in their hands, their minds simply
drift off into another realm. "Dude! This stuff feels gnarly!
It's like, whoah!" (well that's what a surfer might say if he
got a hold of some Goop, but you get my point...)
Just think of all the people and things Goop could have saved if
they had just given it a chance...
"I tell ya, if I had some Goop in my hands during those final
moments, I might not have pulled the trigger. Hell, I bet it
would have been cool to see what the Goop would look like if I
ran it through one of our paper shredders!" -Enron Vice
Chairman, J. Clifford Baxter.
"If only our marketing people had thought of including a
small plastic bubble filled with Goop, the Atari Jaguar might
have been a much more successful video game console. Hah, who
are we kidding, it was a piece of shit, but we could have at
least given people something that was entertaining... like Goop!
By the way, do you have any spare change?" -Homeless Atari
"And the Americans must pay for their horribl... say, what is
this strange blue substance? It squishes in my hand like my poop
but it does not smell like my poop! It doesn't even taste like
my poop! I love it! What's that you say? Americans made this
substance? Ok, so maybe they're not that bad after all! I will
stop all of the senseless killing, just as long as they send me
some more of this tasty blue substance to eat. It's much more
fun to eat than my own poop!" -Osama Bin Laden
"Whoah! This stuff dances better than we do! I think I'm in
love with this stuff! Hey Goop can you say 'P.L.U.R.'? Ha! I
heard it say it man! The Goop said 'P.L.U.R.'! This is like
sooooo intense! I'm so tripping out on this Goop stuff man! No
way! It's like calling to me man! It's crawling all over me like
ants and it's calling to me! Like really way! Hey, where's my
wallet?" -Idiot Raver
"I don't get it." -George W. Bush
Ok, well, Goop may not have been able to save EVERYBODY, but it
obviously could have helped out a lot of people and things in
their time of need. Goop is simply mesmerizing and fun for all!
So, when I look towards the future, I see a world united under
an umbrella of Goop. Fellow humans, hold your Goop high in the
air with pride, for this substance just might be our salvation!