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Shorts!

Stupid Toys: Part 2
by: -RoG-
 

The first installment of the Stupid Toys series went over really well and I've been receiving all sorts of amusing suggestions for other toys to feature. So let's just dive right into more of the madness that the toy industry has dared to unleash upon us over the years...


THE BASTARDIZATION OF SPIDER-MAN:

I simply couldn't choose one figure to feature because the entire "Spider-Man Adventure Hero" toyline is quite possibly one of the worst ideas in the history of toy making. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he already an adventure hero by nature? Do they really need to give him a bunch of absurd outfits to drive home this point? I'd love to know what "adventures" the Beach Spidey would go on. Would he stop crimes with that beach ball of his, or would the real adventure be trying to convince people not to laugh at his flaming outfit? And as for Safari Spidey, it appears he encountered a voodoo tribe in one of his "adventures" because his head is shrunken.

And hey, while we're at it, let's not allow real firefighters to be heroes... only Spider-Man can fight fires! Where has your dignity gone Spidey? Are you keeping it in those oversized pant pockets?

Apparently not, because no super hero with a shred of dignity would allow himself to be put into these outfits. For chrissakes, just look at him! I guess what they're trying to say here is that Spidey has solved all the worlds problems, so he now has time to become an overpaid sports star. That must be quite an adventure for our hero! Now the basketball and baseball Spideys are bad enough, but no Spidey sports figure is worse than this...

That's just a side of Spidey that I NEVER wanted to see.

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.


THE WATERWORLD TRIMARAN:

It's bad enough that they tried to release toys for what is one of the most infamous movie flops in Hollywood history, but the Trimaran really was a piece of crap. In the movie, it was a massive ship with all sorts of interesting features and gizmos. This thing, however, was a cheap piece of plastic with the primary feature being A 21" high mast! Wow! A tall piece of plastic! Fantastic! If this thing was built to scale, the ship would be far larger than the figures, but it's only 3-4 times larger at best. Weak.

Three non-firing gunner stations (wouldn't want a kid to lose an eye right?) and a small piece of string that your hero can swing on. I could accomplish this with dental floss... how is this supposed to be an interesting feature? With the blatantly lazy construction of the Trimaran, there's one thing they really screwed up on. They forgot the most important accessory for it...

That's right, there was no urine filter included! How were the kids going to have their hero, The Mariner, enjoy a fresh glass of water without a handy-dandy piss filtration unit? I pissed on the Trimaran myself just to make sure I hadn't missed something in the instructions, and sure enough... it didn't create water. I wonder how well a urine-soaked Trimaran toy would sell on eBay? Probably just about as well as the movie itself I imagine.


MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE - METEORBS:

By the time He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were on their way out in the late 80's, Mattel sure was looking desperate. They had already released countless variations of He-Man and Skeletor, so when the well started to really run dry what did they do? They decided to combine their "ideas" with one of the other most successful toylines of the time, The Transformers, with meteors and wildlife. The hideous result? Meteorbs! Yes indeed, you too could own an egg, er excuse me... a "meteor" that transforms into a wild creature. Mind you, these creatures were about 1/8th the size of Battle Cat, but I'm sure they could still do some damage in battle. Or at the very least, they weren't housebroken and probably crapped on the finest carpets in the kingdom of Eternia. Why, I can only the imagine the hilarity of hearing King Randor's thundering voice as he demanded that the guards teach the Meteorbs such as "TY-GRRR," "GORE-ILLA" and "TUSKOR" how to use the kitty litter instead of the throne.

I mean really, do these things look like something you'd want by your side in a bloody battle? Unless you think you can kill your enemy by having them laugh at you until they're completely exhausted and vulnerable, there's no reason to bring the Meteorbs into a battle. They look like pets. Pets of some other creatures that are just as disgustingly cute... like the Popples or something.

Even though practically nobody bought the Meteorbs, that wouldn't be the last we'd ever see them...

Reminds me of a saying they have in the toy business:
If at first you don't succeed, rename it, repackage it and try again...


STARS 'N STRIPES BARBIE & KEN DOLLS

People say America is pretty much the biggest military "superpower" in the world. Well, one look at some of America's recent recruits might have those people singing a different tune. That's right, Barbie and Ken — two women who would cry the second they got some dirt under their fingernails — are now in the armed forces. Can you really imagine these two, who are known for driving in a pink corvette, fighting in a war?

"Send in the Marines—Sergeant Barbie and Sergeant Ken, that is. They are wearing dress blues uniform for enlisted personnel. Each has an Achievement Medal for leadership, a medal that shows they served in Desert Storm and a Good Conduct Medal for three years of honorable service."

Leadership? Jesus... if these two really joined the Marines, I guarantee you they'd have a breakdown within minutes and be found sitting on a toilet with a shotgun pointed at their skulls. "We are in a world of shit!" *BLAM*

Semper Fi? Nope. Semper Fucked.


That's all for this 2nd installment of "Stupid Toys". I'll try to crank out another piece featuring more of 'em in the near future. Don't forget... if you have any suggestions for stupid toys that you'd like me to cover, please drop me a line!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Stupid Toys: Part 1!

and

Stupid Toys: Part 3!



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