installment of the Stupid Toys series went over really
well and I've been receiving all sorts of amusing suggestions for
other toys to feature. So let's just dive right into more of the
madness that the toy industry has dared to unleash upon us over the
BASTARDIZATION OF SPIDER-MAN:
couldn't choose one figure to feature because the entire
"Spider-Man Adventure Hero" toyline is quite possibly one of the
worst ideas in the history of toy making. Correct me if I'm wrong, but
isn't he already an adventure hero by nature? Do they really need to
give him a bunch of absurd outfits to drive home this point? I'd love
to know what "adventures" the Beach Spidey would go on. Would he stop
crimes with that beach ball of his, or would the real adventure be
trying to convince people not to laugh at his flaming outfit? And as
for Safari Spidey, it appears he encountered a voodoo tribe in one of
his "adventures" because his head is shrunken.
while we're at it, let's not allow real firefighters to be
heroes... only Spider-Man can fight fires! Where has your dignity gone
Spidey? Are you keeping it in those oversized pant pockets?
Apparently not, because no super hero with a shred of dignity would
allow himself to be put into these outfits. For chrissakes, just look
at him! I guess what they're trying to say here is that Spidey has
solved all the worlds problems, so he now has time to become an
overpaid sports star. That must be quite an adventure for our
hero! Now the basketball and baseball Spideys are bad enough,
but no Spidey sports figure is worse than this...
That's just a side of
Spidey that I NEVER wanted to see.
enough that they tried to release toys for what is one of the most
infamous movie flops in Hollywood history, but the Trimaran
really was a piece of crap. In the movie, it was a massive ship with
all sorts of interesting features and gizmos. This thing, however, was a cheap
piece of plastic with the primary feature being A 21" high mast!
Wow! A tall piece of plastic! Fantastic! If this thing was built to
scale, the ship would be far larger than the figures, but it's only
3-4 times larger at best. Weak.
non-firing gunner stations (wouldn't want a kid to lose an eye right?)
and a small piece of string that your hero can swing on. I could
accomplish this with dental floss... how is this supposed to be an
interesting feature? With the blatantly lazy construction of the
Trimaran, there's one thing they really screwed up on. They forgot the
most important accessory for it...
right, there was no urine filter included! How were the kids going to
have their hero, The Mariner, enjoy a fresh glass of water without a
handy-dandy piss filtration unit? I pissed on the Trimaran myself just
to make sure I hadn't missed something in the instructions, and sure
enough... it didn't create water. I wonder how well a urine-soaked
Trimaran toy would sell on eBay? Probably just about as well as the movie itself
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE - METEORBS:
time He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were on their way out in
the late 80's, Mattel sure was looking desperate. They had already
released countless variations of He-Man and Skeletor, so when the well
started to really run dry what did they do? They decided to combine
their "ideas" with one of the other most successful toylines of the time, The
Transformers, with meteors and wildlife. The hideous result?
Meteorbs! Yes indeed, you too could own an egg, er excuse me... a
"meteor" that transforms into a wild creature. Mind you, these
creatures were about 1/8th the size of Battle Cat, but I'm sure they
could still do some damage in battle. Or at the very least, they
weren't housebroken and probably crapped on the finest carpets in the
kingdom of Eternia. Why, I can only the imagine the hilarity of
hearing King Randor's thundering voice as he demanded that the guards
teach the Meteorbs such as "TY-GRRR," "GORE-ILLA" and "TUSKOR" how to
use the kitty litter instead of the throne.
really, do these things look like something you'd want by your side in
a bloody battle? Unless you think you can kill your enemy by having
them laugh at you until they're completely exhausted and vulnerable,
there's no reason to bring the Meteorbs into a battle. They look like
pets. Pets of some other creatures that are just as disgustingly
cute... like the Popples or something.
though practically nobody bought the Meteorbs, that wouldn't be the
last we'd ever see them...
Reminds me of a
saying they have in the toy business:
If at first you don't succeed, rename it, repackage it and try
'N STRIPES BARBIE & KEN DOLLS
say America is pretty much the biggest military "superpower" in the world. Well,
one look at some of America's recent recruits might have those people singing
a different tune. That's right, Barbie and Ken — two women who
would cry the second they got some dirt under their fingernails — are
now in the armed forces. Can you really imagine these two, who are
known for driving in a pink corvette, fighting in a war?
"Send in the Marines—Sergeant Barbie and Sergeant Ken, that is. They
are wearing dress blues uniform for enlisted personnel. Each has an
Achievement Medal for leadership, a medal that shows they served in
Desert Storm and a Good Conduct Medal for three years of honorable
Leadership? Jesus... if these two really joined the Marines, I
guarantee you they'd have a breakdown within minutes and be found
sitting on a toilet with a shotgun pointed at their skulls. "We are
in a world of shit!" *BLAM*
Fi? Nope. Semper Fucked.
That's all for this 2nd installment of "Stupid Toys". I'll try
to crank out another piece featuring more
of 'em in the near future. Don't forget... if you have any suggestions for
stupid toys that
you'd like me to cover,
please drop me a line!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Stupid Toys: Part 1!
Stupid Toys: Part 3!