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What's
that I smell? Is it the scent of STUPID in the air? Why yes
indeed it is! That must mean it's time for yet another installment of my
"Stupid Toys" articles! Well, why prolong the pain? Let's
get right down to it with the latest batch o' stupid toys!
TRANSFORMERS "ACTION MASTERS":
Ah
Transformers, how can you possibly go wrong with the classic
Transformers figures? Believe it or not, back in 1990 Hasbro found a
way with their "Action Masters" toy line. In an attempt to
cash-in on the success of their 3 3/4 inch G.I. Joe action figures,
they released this new line of poseable Transformers. So what's wrong
with that? I'll tell you what. THEY DIDN'T TRANSFORM! That's
right, the figures couldn't transform into their vehicle/item modes,
thus defeating the entire purpose of even calling them "Transformers"
in the first place. And what do they do to make up for it? They give
the figures absurdly oversized weapons and/or "exo-suits" that made
them look even worse. Genius! One can only hope that Megatron and
scooped up all of these toys, loaded them into his arm cannon, and
blasted them into oblivion.
THE
AIRZOOKA:
As the
pussification of society continues to expand beyond our control,
today's youth are being denied their right to play with toys that
shoot projectiles capable of blinding (and possibly killing) one
another. "You'll shoot your eye out!" is a quote that used to
hit really close to home with most kids. Nowadays, if you say tell
that to a kid, he'll just raise a confused eyebrow in your direction.
Why? It's because he's been raised on toys like the Airzooka.
Instead of shooting pellets, or darts, or disappearing ink (oh how I
miss those "Zap-It!" guns), the Airzooka shoots AIR! Hey, I can
shoot air at somebody and I don't even need a ridiculous looking toy
gun to do it, if you catch my drift. The Airzooka is also one of those
toys that is destined to collect dust as most people will shoot it
once or twice, barely crack a smile, put it down and then return to a
far more exciting hobby like stamp collecting. And hey, if you happen
to have a kid that actually wants one of these stupid things, just
remember: it's never too late to put 'em up for adoption.
JUSTICE LEAGUE - THE FLASH MOTORCYCLE:
You
know, if there's one thing I've always thought The Flash
needed, it would have to be a motorcycle. I mean, why use your powers
of moving faster than anybody else on the entire planet when you can,
you know... ride around town on your hideous yellow hog? Way to go DC.
That'll show the kids today that it's ok to be spoiled, lazy little
fuckheads since even their heroes are too lazy to use their own
superpowers. So what's next? Is there gonna be a "power bulldozer" for
The Hulk for when he doesn't feel like smashing everything in his
path? How about an "attack pet tarantula" for Spider-Man? Wait! I've
got it! A "garden hose action playset" for Aquaman! Perfecto!
TESCO'S PEEKABOO STRIPPER POLE FOR KIDS:
You want
proof that there is no god? Simply cast your eyes upon Tesco's
Peekaboo Stripper Pole for kids. If you can't figure out what's wrong
with this toy, you probably belong in jail. Marketing a stripper pole
to young kids by putting cartoony, Barbie-esque illustrations on it is
just plain wrong. Can you imagine having dinner guests over at your
house and they see your little daughter twirling around on the
stripper pole? "Why yes Bob, that is my daughter on the stripper
pole! Yep, she's only 5 years old! Takes after her mother, doesn't she?
She's daddy's little whore! Be sure to slip her a fiver." And
speaking of cash, it actually comes with a garter and play money!
Fucking creepy.
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE "FAKER":
Before
you bitch to me about how awesome Faker is, allow me to say
that I agree with you 100%. I love Faker. But my love for this toy is
mainly because of how absolutely absurd the concept is. Ok, so
Skeletor decides to build an evil robotic He-Man imposter, right? Not
a bad sounding plan considering some of the other things ol' Skel' has
pulled out of his ass over the years. Unfortunately the plan went bad
as soon as it reached the vital execution step. Call me crazy, but if
I was going to build an evil robotic He-Man imposter, I probably would
try my best to make it actually look like He-Man. You gotta figure
that He-Man's pals are gonna notice when he shows up with BLUE SKIN
and ORANGE HAIR. If he wasn't a robot, I'd actually feel pretty
bad for Faker. I mean, just imagine how his interactions with other
people would go. No matter how hard he tried, nobody would believe
him. It would probably go something like this...
I gotta
hand it to you Skeletor... that was some brilliant work you did with
"Faker" the evil robotic He-Man imposter. You truly are an evil
genius!
That's all for the
4th installment of "Stupid Toys". I'll try
to crank out another piece featuring more
of 'em in the near future. Don't forget... if you have any suggestions for
stupid toys that
you'd like me to cover,
please drop me a line!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Stupid Toys: Part 1!
and
Stupid Toys: Part 2!
and
Stupid Toys: Part 3!
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