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The
world of non-sports trading card sets is a world that seems to be
governed by no laws. If you can think of it, chances are, some lunatic found a
way to make it into a trading card set. At least with sports cards,
it's somewhat understandable why people would want to collect them -
what with people who love statistics and collecting rookie
cards of their favorite stars until they become valuable years later.
Or, in most cases, you collect those rookie cards hoping that they'll
one day become valuable and 20 years later a news story breaks out
that your favorite sports stars were all on steroids and now their rookie
cards are worth less than a festering bag of bird shit and all you can
do is wish a horrible death upon them because you were stupid enough to
hold onto those now-valueless cards for 20 goddamned years. Of course
I'm talking about things that happened to you here... not me.
Definitely not me. Nope.
Anyway,
today I'd like to take a look at some more of the worst non-sports
trading cards you'll ever lay your eyes on. If you haven't read
part 1 of this series, make sure
you do so before reading on. If you're all up to speed, then let's
dive into this latest batch of absurd trading card collections...
Ah 21
Jump Street. Too cool for school! Who wouldn't want to collect
cards from this "hot hit" show? Actually, I don't really recall this
show ever being that "hot" when it was on, let alone a "hit". The only
people I knew who watched the show did so because it was
hilariously bad (but hey, what wasn't back then?). Then again, it did star
Johnny Depp with a tube-sock stuffed crotch, so I'm sure there were
countless teenage girls (and a handful of boys) who watched it just to
see him. But trading cards? Is this really necessary? I guess they
thought teenagers would like the idea of eating bubble gum that had
touched a picture card of Johnny "Officer Tom Hanson" Depp. To them,
I'm sure that'd be the equivalent of eating the body of Christ. And
hey, big kudos to Topps. You actually found a way to make Johnny Depp
look ugly. Just look at his picture on that wrapper... if you removed
his hair, you'd be staring at Sloth from the Goonies. Hot!
Now
here's a set that most people never heard of: Topps
Fancy Pants sticker cards from 1975! This was truly a set destined
for failure. The idea was to have a bunch of cards with stickers
colored like blue jeans on them. You could then slap these stickers on
your blue jeans and people would think you had a totally hip
patch sewn right onto them! Problem is, these were cheap stickers like most
sticker cards were, and they didn't stay on your jeans for long at all.
A few steps and they were ready to fall right off. But perhaps that
was the company's plan all along! Have the stickers fall off so
the kids will want to buy more packs! I mean really, who could resist having
a sticker stuck to their jeans that reads "Foxy Lady" or "Jive Turkey"?
I know I couldn't. Genius!
Gone
With The Wind trading cards? If you really need me to explain why
these are the very definition of pointless, then you have failed at
life. I hear they're coming out with a War & Peace trading
cards set too. Man, it's gonna be a bitch collecting all 500,000 of
them...
You want
an amusing image stuck in your brain? No problemo. Just picture a bunch
of confused white, suburban teenagers showing off just how down
they are with O.P.P. by proudly displaying their full
collection of YO! MTV Raps trading cards to the world. Oh how
we loved watching them rap about being cop killers one minute and then
the next, they'd be running back inside the house because mom said
their Kraft Mac 'n Cheese was ready and a new episode of Full House
was gonna be on TV. The one good thing I can say about this set is
that it does give you a glimpse of a time when rap was actually fun
and interesting to listen to. I'll take Run DMC over your Notorious 50
Puffy Eminems any day of the week. Get off my lawn, punk.
You know
what I want? I want to figure out a way that I can celebrate a show
featuring a guy who never sleeps with the two women he lives with. You
know, a show like Three's Company. What's that you say? They
have a trading card set based on the show??? SOLD! Hey Jack, just so
you know, the girls didn't make up that story about you being gay so
you could live with them... they made it up so they would never have
to sleep with you. By the way, nice fake smile in your sticker there, tinkerbell!
Any chance you could make it look a lil' more forced?
Call me
crazy, but when you release a set of trading cards that feature
pictures of vans that look like they'd be driven by your average
rapist, perhaps it would be best to leave off the tagline that reads "Happiness
is a mouthful" on the back of the wrapper. Sorry Truckin'
cards,
you fail.
Yes, you
too can own this fantastic collection of trading cards based on the
hit TV show, The Apprentice! That's right, all of your favorite
stoic, undeserving, greedy, lying, backstabbing, corporate bastards
from the show have been immortalized forever in this card set that you
and your business school buddies can look over during one of those
wild parties where you talk about the stock market while drinking
wine coolers and listening to the Dave Matthews Band. AWESOME!
Back in
'83, Topps decided to try putting out a new set of trading cards
called Perlorian Cats, which featured felines posing in human
outfits. Indian cats, gambling cats, patriotic cats, surfer cats... if
you could think of it, it was in this set. Pictures of cats acting
just like real people? That's hilarious! And once again, PETA
fails to step up to the plate and fight against the real animal
cruelty in this world. Forget about McDonald's for a change and just
look at the cat on this box... it's clearly crying out for help! Where
were you in their time of need?
All three fans of American Gladiators rejoiced when they found
out that their favorite game show about juiced jocks taking on mortal
weaklings was finally going to get its very own trading card set.
Turbo, Zap, Laser, Ice, Titan, Malibu, Tank, Panther, Diamond,
Thunder... they're all here! I think even some of the lesser known
gladiators made their way into the set. There was a gladiator named
Horace, wasn't there? I'm pretty sure there was. I think he was best
friends with that other gladiator, Pumpernickel... right? Man oh man,
that show ruled...
Hey mom!
Can you buy me a pack of Hot Air Balloon trading cards? They're
totally radical! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, there was indeed a
trading card set created for hot air ballooning enthusiasts. Finally,
we can learn all the detailed information about the
Cheshire Cat Balloon that has left our lives feeling so
cold and empty all these years. Yes my friends, we have all
ascended to Valhalla... in our hot happy air balloon card collections.
I'm
pretty sure that Norfin Trolls were just one of god's many
cruel jokes on this world, much like the proboscis monkey. These damned
trolls were EVERYWHERE back in the late 80's and early 90's, so it
shouldn't come as a surprise that somebody put out a trading cards set
based on them. The cards are really awful though because they put the
trolls into horrible comics and gave many of them names based
on their character outfits. Names such as Alvis Rock & Troll,
Officer McNorfin and Detective Sherluck plagued this trading card set
and set your eyes on fire. And the
worst thing about it? Unlike the real troll dolls, you couldn't rip out
their hair. The only way to find relief was to use these cards as
kindle in a soul-cleansing bonfire.
Ok,
that's all the horrible imagery for now. Remember
this is just part 2 of my "Worst Trading Cards Ever" articles, so
if you happen to know of any card sets that I should cover in the
future, be sure to
email me and let me know!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
The Worst Trading Cards Ever Created: Part 1!
and
Wacko-Saurs Trading Cards!
and
Dinosaurs Attack! Trading Cards!
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