Okay, yes, sure, it's a kind of far into January '07 to be
coming out with predictions, but while I am not making excuses,
I do want to say that I like to get the gist of what my fellow
Psychics have predicted for the coming year before I go on
record, and honestly, I was in a coma until last Thursday and
after that the headache alone was bad enough to vaporize six of
you bastards, so shut up. That being said, 2007 is going to be
like getting repeatedly slapped by a thirty-eight foot tall
spider monkey with EXTREMELY calloused hands recently dipped in
a slurry of road salt and sulfuric acid, so let's get to it,
· IN 2007, FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD WILL DIE!! I
am told this one took place while I was in the ICU, so that's
batting %100 percent so far.
· BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE WILL SEPARATE! The cause is
unclear, shadowed by temporal mists, but seems to have something
to do with either a reunion with Jennifer Anniston or wave upon
wave of dusky, large bellied toddlers.
· AN ATTEMPT WILL BE MADE ON CONDOLEEZZA RICE'S LIFE by a
terrorist who will later confess under alternative interrogation
methods that he thought she was Oprah.
· A DEADLY SUMMER HEATWAVE will leave skeptics in the Bush
administration and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the
reality of Global warming.
· HEATING OIL PRICES will FALL during the SUMMER MONTHS but RISE
AGAIN when it gets COLD!
· WAR will spread to IRAN AND SYRIA drawing the world EVER
DEEPER INTO DEADLY CONFLICT but AMERICAN IDOL'S RATINGS will be
· I WILL EAT WAY MORE TRISCUITS IN A SINGLE YEAR THAN I HAVE
EVER EATEN BEFORE! I mean, way more. Like, a truly abnormal
amount of Triscuits. A very nearly physically impossible amount.
· IN 2007, I WILL BE VERY THIRSTY MUCH OF THE TIME!
· MICHAEL JACKSON WILL MAKE A COMEBACK ATTEMPT PROMISING TO
APPEAR ON AMERICAN IDOL IN THE SEASON FINALE but eventually
reneging when it is discovered he is way to mentally unstable
and visually horrific to pull it off.
· BRITTANY SPEARS WILL AGAIN BECOME PREGNANT and ASTOUND SCIENCE
by delivering a litter of 78 mostly human offspring during a
week and a half long delivery! Many of the children will be born
ALREADY ABLE TO WALK, three of them will have Hooves and pig
snouts and one of them will be an IDENTICAL FULLY ADULT DOUBLE
OF BILL O'REiLLY except for being only THIRTEEN INCHES TALL and
having a fleshy, beige colored hot dog like protrusion sticking
three inches out of it's wee, furrowed brow!
· EIGHTIES DARLING MOLLY RINGWALD WILL MAKE A COMEBACK and gain
OSCAR BUZZ for her portrayal of ELIZABETH BARRET BROWNING!
· HUNDREDS OF FILM CRITICS will do Google searches for ELIZABETH
· A DEVASTATING SUMMER LONG MIDWEST DROUGHT will leave skeptics
in the Bush administration and oil industry scientists
unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.
· TEENAGERS will discover a way to abuse MOIST TOWLETTES!
· A TERRORIST STRIKE, either CHEMICAL, NUCLEAR, or with EXTRA
DIMENSIONAL MONSTERS will devastate MANHATTAN, LOS ANGELES or
TUBA CITY ARIZONA!
· RUDY GIULIANI will become the REPUBLICAN FRONT RUNNER after
EXPOSING HIS PENIS on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN when it
turns out to be REALLY, REALLY BIG AND APPEALING!
· SUDDENLY SUCCESSFUL FORMER EIGHTIES GIRL NEXT DOOR MOLLY
RINGWALD will write a DEVASTATING OP-ED in the WALL STREET
JOURNAL regarding the foreign policy failings of RUDY GIULIANI'S
· AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION IN BOULDER where the
theme will be A TRIBUTE TO MORK AND MINDY, nominee BARACK OBAMA
will delight the crowd by UNFURLING a prodigious PENIS IN EXCESS
OF 17 YARDS!
· RUDIMENTARY LIFE will be discovered on MARS but no one will
get as EXCITED ABOUT IT as they THOUGHT THEY WOULD!
· THE ROSIE O'DONNELL / DONALD TRUMP FEUD will come to a BLOODY
CONCLUSION when after taking out a FULL PAGE AD in SEVERAL
NEWSPAPERS calling O'DONNELL a fat, ugly, DYKE, she CRUSHES HIS
HEAD with one blow of her HUGE, MEATY PAW!
· I will SEE A DOCTOR for COMPLICATIONS related to my ABNORMAL
· ROBOTS will get EVEN BETTER at VACUUMING!
· NOW FABULOUSLY WEALTHY FORMER EIGHTIES IMPLAUSIBLE
MASTURBATION TOPIC MOLLY RINGWALD will win the NOBEL PRIZE IN
MEDICINE for her innovative research on a pill that makes really
old, rich men with a high resistance to currently available ED
drugs get BONERS!
· EXTINCTION OF POLAR BEARS and a THREE FOOT RISE IN SEA LEVEL
will leave skeptics in the Bush administration and oil industry
scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.
· ANNE COULTER will be OUTED as a TRANSSEXUAL but then STUN THE
WORLD revealing she is actually a combination of HYDRAULICS and
· EMERGING IN FLAMES as the SOLE SURVIVOR of a MOTORCADE CAR
BOMBING, DICK CHENEY will take FIFTEEN ASSASSINS BULLETS and two
ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES to his UPPER BODY AND HEAD but will be
TOO MEAN TO DIE!
· HOWIE MANDEL will produce a RATINGS SENSATION for FOX hosted
by JOHN TESH called, 'WHO WANTS TO CARVE OUT A SHELTER FROM A
MILLIONAIRE'S CORPSE AND CLIMB INSIDE IT TO KEEP FROM FREEZING TO
DEATH LIKE HAN SOLO DID THAT ONE TIME WITH THE TAUNTAUN?'
· A well known CEO will RETIRE with a SEVERANCE PACKAGE that
includes 68 BILLION DOLLARS IN STOCK OPTIONS, ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN
AND A MAGIC RING THAT ALLOWS HIM TO COMMAND SEX FROM ANYONE HE
· The newly empowered DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS will OVERRIDE THE
PRESIDENTS VETO of their bill OUTLAWING NON-GAY MARRIAGE!
· After EXPOSURE TO COSMIC RAYS, a now SUPER STRONG FORMER
EIGHTIES INEXPLICABLY SUCCESSFUL NO TALENT MOLLY RINGWALD will
SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEAT an attempt to TAKE OVER MANHATTAN by the MOLEMEN!
· SURI CRUISE will be exposed as an INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED
ANIMATRONIC invented by the same guy that created FURBIES!
· TOM CRUISE will sell KATIE HOLMES EXTRACTED UTERUS to that
ONLINE CASINO that scarfed up WILL SHATNER'S KIDNEY STONE and
the VIRGIN MARY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH!
· A SONG WITH REALLY DIRTY LYRICS MOSTLY ABOUT BUTTS WILL BE THE
NUMBER ONE HIT FOR WEEKS!
· APPLE STOCKS will take a MILD TUMBLE when it is discovered
that iPHONE MAKES WOMEN STERILE AND MEN IMPOTENT after a
· APPLE STOCKS WILL SURGE when it is demonstrated that FEMALE
INFERTILITY and MALE IMPOTENCE can be cured by exposure to
BARACK OBAMA'S IMPROBABLY LENGTHY SCHVANTZ!
· The RETURN OF JESUS sporting a T-SHIRT that says 'GLOBAL
WARMING IS REAL' will leave skeptics in the Bush administration
and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global
· At an astounding height of FIFTY EIGHT FEET, MONSTROUS FORMER
EIGHTIES, KNOCK KNEED, NASAL VOICED, UNDERAGED JOHN HUGHES SEX
PARTNER MOLLY RINGWALD, now sporting a HUGE, CHITINOUS CARAPACE
and spewing MOLTEN LAVA from her EYES will lay waste to TOKYO
before being driven into POWER LINES by the JAPANESE ARMY!
· I will need EXTENSIVE SURGERY to repair ADVANCED INTESTINAL
DAMAGE caused by AGGRESSIVE CONSUMPTION of a nearly MEDICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE amount of TRISCUITS!
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Let's Laugh At Death!