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MAX BURBANK'S PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS FOR 2007!
by: Max Burbank

Okay, yes, sure, it's a kind of far into January '07 to be coming out with predictions, but while I am not making excuses, I do want to say that I like to get the gist of what my fellow Psychics have predicted for the coming year before I go on record, and honestly, I was in a coma until last Thursday and after that the headache alone was bad enough to vaporize six of you bastards, so shut up. That being said, 2007 is going to be like getting repeatedly slapped by a thirty-eight foot tall spider monkey with EXTREMELY calloused hands recently dipped in a slurry of road salt and sulfuric acid, so let's get to it, shall we?

· IN 2007, FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD WILL DIE!! I am told this one took place while I was in the ICU, so that's batting %100 percent so far.

· BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE WILL SEPARATE! The cause is unclear, shadowed by temporal mists, but seems to have something to do with either a reunion with Jennifer Anniston or wave upon wave of dusky, large bellied toddlers.

· AN ATTEMPT WILL BE MADE ON CONDOLEEZZA RICE'S LIFE by a terrorist who will later confess under alternative interrogation methods that he thought she was Oprah.

· A DEADLY SUMMER HEATWAVE will leave skeptics in the Bush administration and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.

· HEATING OIL PRICES will FALL during the SUMMER MONTHS but RISE AGAIN when it gets COLD!

· WAR will spread to IRAN AND SYRIA drawing the world EVER DEEPER INTO DEADLY CONFLICT but AMERICAN IDOL'S RATINGS will be UNAFFECTED!

· I WILL EAT WAY MORE TRISCUITS IN A SINGLE YEAR THAN I HAVE EVER EATEN BEFORE! I mean, way more. Like, a truly abnormal amount of Triscuits. A very nearly physically impossible amount.

· IN 2007, I WILL BE VERY THIRSTY MUCH OF THE TIME!

· MICHAEL JACKSON WILL MAKE A COMEBACK ATTEMPT PROMISING TO APPEAR ON AMERICAN IDOL IN THE SEASON FINALE but eventually reneging when it is discovered he is way to mentally unstable and visually horrific to pull it off.

· BRITTANY SPEARS WILL AGAIN BECOME PREGNANT and ASTOUND SCIENCE by delivering a litter of 78 mostly human offspring during a week and a half long delivery! Many of the children will be born ALREADY ABLE TO WALK, three of them will have Hooves and pig snouts and one of them will be an IDENTICAL FULLY ADULT DOUBLE OF BILL O'REiLLY except for being only THIRTEEN INCHES TALL and having a fleshy, beige colored hot dog like protrusion sticking three inches out of it's wee, furrowed brow!

· EIGHTIES DARLING MOLLY RINGWALD WILL MAKE A COMEBACK and gain OSCAR BUZZ for her portrayal of ELIZABETH BARRET BROWNING!

· HUNDREDS OF FILM CRITICS will do Google searches for ELIZABETH BARRET BROWNING!

· A DEVASTATING SUMMER LONG MIDWEST DROUGHT will leave skeptics in the Bush administration and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.

· TEENAGERS will discover a way to abuse MOIST TOWLETTES!

· A TERRORIST STRIKE, either CHEMICAL, NUCLEAR, or with EXTRA DIMENSIONAL MONSTERS will devastate MANHATTAN, LOS ANGELES or TUBA CITY ARIZONA!

· RUDY GIULIANI will become the REPUBLICAN FRONT RUNNER after EXPOSING HIS PENIS on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN when it turns out to be REALLY, REALLY BIG AND APPEALING!

· SUDDENLY SUCCESSFUL FORMER EIGHTIES GIRL NEXT DOOR MOLLY RINGWALD will write a DEVASTATING OP-ED in the WALL STREET JOURNAL regarding the foreign policy failings of RUDY GIULIANI'S PENIS!

· AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION IN BOULDER where the theme will be A TRIBUTE TO MORK AND MINDY, nominee BARACK OBAMA will delight the crowd by UNFURLING a prodigious PENIS IN EXCESS OF 17 YARDS!

· RUDIMENTARY LIFE will be discovered on MARS but no one will get as EXCITED ABOUT IT as they THOUGHT THEY WOULD!

· THE ROSIE O'DONNELL / DONALD TRUMP FEUD will come to a BLOODY CONCLUSION when after taking out a FULL PAGE AD in SEVERAL NEWSPAPERS calling O'DONNELL a fat, ugly, DYKE, she CRUSHES HIS HEAD with one blow of her HUGE, MEATY PAW!

· I will SEE A DOCTOR for COMPLICATIONS related to my ABNORMAL TRISCUIT CONSUMPTION!

· ROBOTS will get EVEN BETTER at VACUUMING!

· NOW FABULOUSLY WEALTHY FORMER EIGHTIES IMPLAUSIBLE MASTURBATION TOPIC MOLLY RINGWALD will win the NOBEL PRIZE IN MEDICINE for her innovative research on a pill that makes really old, rich men with a high resistance to currently available ED drugs get BONERS!

· EXTINCTION OF POLAR BEARS and a THREE FOOT RISE IN SEA LEVEL will leave skeptics in the Bush administration and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.

· ANNE COULTER will be OUTED as a TRANSSEXUAL but then STUN THE WORLD revealing she is actually a combination of HYDRAULICS and EVIL VOODOO!

· EMERGING IN FLAMES as the SOLE SURVIVOR of a MOTORCADE CAR BOMBING, DICK CHENEY will take FIFTEEN ASSASSINS BULLETS and two ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES to his UPPER BODY AND HEAD but will be TOO MEAN TO DIE!

· HOWIE MANDEL will produce a RATINGS SENSATION for FOX hosted by JOHN TESH called, 'WHO WANTS TO CARVE OUT A SHELTER FROM A MILLIONAIRE'S CORPSE AND CLIMB INSIDE IT TO KEEP FROM FREEZING TO DEATH LIKE HAN SOLO DID THAT ONE TIME WITH THE TAUNTAUN?'

· A well known CEO will RETIRE with a SEVERANCE PACKAGE that includes 68 BILLION DOLLARS IN STOCK OPTIONS, ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN AND A MAGIC RING THAT ALLOWS HIM TO COMMAND SEX FROM ANYONE HE WISHES!

· The newly empowered DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS will OVERRIDE THE PRESIDENTS VETO of their bill OUTLAWING NON-GAY MARRIAGE!

· After EXPOSURE TO COSMIC RAYS, a now SUPER STRONG FORMER EIGHTIES INEXPLICABLY SUCCESSFUL NO TALENT MOLLY RINGWALD will SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEAT an attempt to TAKE OVER MANHATTAN by the MOLEMEN!

· SURI CRUISE will be exposed as an INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED ANIMATRONIC invented by the same guy that created FURBIES!

· TOM CRUISE will sell KATIE HOLMES EXTRACTED UTERUS to that ONLINE CASINO that scarfed up WILL SHATNER'S KIDNEY STONE and the VIRGIN MARY GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH!

· A SONG WITH REALLY DIRTY LYRICS MOSTLY ABOUT BUTTS WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE HIT FOR WEEKS!

· APPLE STOCKS will take a MILD TUMBLE when it is discovered that iPHONE MAKES WOMEN STERILE AND MEN IMPOTENT after a SINGLE USAGE!

· APPLE STOCKS WILL SURGE when it is demonstrated that FEMALE INFERTILITY and MALE IMPOTENCE can be cured by exposure to BARACK OBAMA'S IMPROBABLY LENGTHY SCHVANTZ!

· The RETURN OF JESUS sporting a T-SHIRT that says 'GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL' will leave skeptics in the Bush administration and oil industry scientists unconvinced of the reality of Global warming.

· At an astounding height of FIFTY EIGHT FEET, MONSTROUS FORMER EIGHTIES, KNOCK KNEED, NASAL VOICED, UNDERAGED JOHN HUGHES SEX PARTNER MOLLY RINGWALD, now sporting a HUGE, CHITINOUS CARAPACE and spewing MOLTEN LAVA from her EYES will lay waste to TOKYO before being driven into POWER LINES by the JAPANESE ARMY!

· I will need EXTENSIVE SURGERY to repair ADVANCED INTESTINAL DAMAGE caused by AGGRESSIVE CONSUMPTION of a nearly MEDICALLY IMPOSSIBLE amount of TRISCUITS!


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