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SOMEBODY KILL ME, I'M STILL 56K
by: -RoG-

Yes indeed. I make my living on the web, designing professional web sites for various companies, I run a huge site of my own (I-Mockery.com), and I'm basically online 12 hours a day. So why the hell do I still have a piece of shit 56k modem instead of a cable modem!? Well, there's a couple of reasons.

My last apartment complex "ran their own cable service", which in some regards was cool. My cable bill was a little cheaper, and I got a bunch of channels that nobody else got. Not that those channels had anything worth watching on them, but "Hey! Nobody else gets these channels!". The problem with this was that EVERYBODY in our town was able to get Cable Modem access via Comcast EXCEPT ME. Comcast couldn't give me cable since my apartment complex ran their own cable system. So, for the year that I was living there, I stayed at a measly 56k connection.

Since then I've moved, and wouldn't ya know it, the company that WAS going to be offering cable modem service to this place just got bought out by Comcast! And now they're all in a big "transition period". Last October they told me, "Oh, the transition will be done come December! You'll be able to get cable modem access then, no problemo! Give us your contact information and we'll get in touch with you as soon as it's available!".

Ok, so I'm already annoyed, but I figured "It's only for a few months, I can deal with 56k a little bit longer." What a load of bullshit. I was in agony trying to get work done at 56k, always getting disconnected or waiting forever for a single page to load. What's worse, is that it's now halfway through FEBRUARY and they STILL haven't gotten in touch with me! I even contacted them a second time and there was now "no word on when cable modem access will be ready". Bastards.

And now I'm moving again in a little while, so even if it's ready soon, there won't be any point to getting it set up here. I'm sure it'll become available the day I leave this place. So I've decided that I'm going to make sure that the next place I move to has cable modem access ready THE MOMENT I MOVE IN. Not "within a month". Not "really soon!". When I get there, it better be ready to go damnit!

Oh how I love technology...
What happens to a computer when the owner
gets sick of dealing with a 56k modem.

I would just like to take this time to tell Comcast, "Go to hell for playing mind games with me the past 2 years." I would also like to tell myself, "Quit moving so much, you fucking Nomad! Stay in one place and make sure they've got cable modem access this time!". I would also like to tell all of my friends who have cable modem access or high speed connections, "Thanks for making fun of my shitty connection all of these years. Thanks for laughing at me and telling me how nice it is to be able to download a bunch of huge mp3 files within a few minutes while it takes me AT LEAST a half hour." Bastards.

Keep in mind, just cuz I have a 56k modem doesn't mean I get to connect at that speed. In fact, that hardly ever happens. It's always closer to 28.8k. And to those of you out there who have 56k dial-up connections as well, please keep them for a while. I want to make sure I have someone to make fun of when I get my cable modem. Damn this 56k of mine! Damnit to hell! Oh well, I suppose things could be worse...

I could have a 56k modem AND be using AOL for my internet service provider. If that was the case, I'd probably have to break out a bottle of whiskey and a shotgun.

note: Ironically, -RoG- found a brand new AOL CD waiting for him at his front door right after he finished writing this article. Well, at least they make good coasters.


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