I love amusement parks, or “theme parks” as a lot of them are
called these days. There are few finer ways to spend a summer
day than roaming around an amusement park for hours, getting
onto rickety death-trap contraptions that lurch you around at
breakneck speeds and spin you upside down repeatedly. Unless...
you’re a scared little girl or something.
I understand, of course. When I was younger, I was afraid of all
but the most gentle roller coasters. I would never even have
considered going on anything that goes upside-down, not even for
a second. I remember the first time I rode the “Scooby Doo”
roller coaster at King’s Dominion, I nearly shat my pants from
fear as it careened around the corners at twenty, possibly
thirty miles per hour!
But somewhere along the way, I got over my fear. Now I’ll go on
anything and everything, the more insane, the better. If they
design a roller coaster that jumps off the track and ramps over
a spike-filled pit, I’m there. A bungee drop from 500 feet over
shark infested waters? Just tell me where to sign up. Two roller
coaster cars on the same track zooming towards each other on a
collision course, with a big net down below to catch all the
survivors and/or body parts? Sure, why not.
One thing I cannot stand though is the water park. Most big
parks have one, an area sectioned off from the rest of the park,
where you go on water slides, get in inner tubes and drift
aimlessly, or big wave pools that you get into and bob around.
It’s an area that’s basic design revolves around getting you as
wet as possible. I don’t like being wet, except in the shower.
That’s about it. I don’t like walking around in drenched clothes
for the rest of the day, and more importantly, I don’t swim, so
the water park is not very appealing to me. Even when the water
isn’t very deep. It just isn’t something I enjoy.
But what bothers me the most about the water park isn’t the
water. It’s the other people. I just recently got dragged along
to the water park at King’s Dominion by some friends of mine,
and since I didn’t want to go on any of the water “rides”, I was
delegated to watch over everyone else’s stuff that they didn’t
want to get wet. Fine by me, I dragged some other people onto
rides that they didn’t particularly want to go on earlier in the
day, and fair’s fair.
As I was sitting around by the big pile of stuff, I started
watching the other people walking by, as there wasn’t much else
to do. I was appalled at the number of morbidly obese people
wandering around wearing the skimpiest bathing suits that they
could fit into. And many of them weren’t just of gargantuan
size, they were hideously ugly as well! It was as if every fat,
ugly stupid, buck-toothed redneck bastard decided to come down
from the mountain just so they could have a parade right in
front of me that day. But the thing is, it wasn't just that day, they are ALWAYS there!
They are drawn to the water park by some force that I have not
yet begun to understand. There were only two (TWO!) people who
wandered by that day who I wouldn’t mind seeing naked, and ONE
OF THEM WAS A GUY. Fucking water parks.
One odd phenomenon that only just struck me the last time I went
to a theme park is the ubiquitous presence of wandering goths. I
saw at least four distinct traveling bands of goths wandering
around the park over and over again throughout the day. And now
that I think of it, every time I’ve ever been to a theme park,
state fair, carnival or bake sale, there are always groups of
goths wandering around aimlessly. At one point on my last trip,
two of the separate goth groups just happened to stumble into
opposite ends of the “Congo” area of the park at the same time.
As they approached each other, I became certain that I was in
for a real treat, as I anticipated watching two warring goth
clans closing in on each other and snapping their fingers in a
“West Side Story” showdown of epic proportions. Unfortunately,
this didn’t happen. They merely stayed as far away from each
other as possible, giving each other a wide berth as they
cautiously went past. I saw another goth in line to ride a
roller coaster, accompanied by only one other “normal” person.
This guy was fully decked out in black clothing, white face
paint, and a leather trench coat, in 90-degree heat. If someone
is so concerned about their “image” that they are willing to
collapse of heat-stroke to maintain it, they deserve what they
Family entertainment and a whole lot more!
One thing I do truly HATE about amusement parks are those
annoying carnival barker types who work at those shitty booths
that are spaced every five feet between all the rides. You know
the ones, with impossible games that can only be won by a pact
with Satan, like throwing rings onto bottle necks and shit like
that. And then if you do by some miracle manage to win, you get
to choose from a selection of stuffed animals that are
BIGGER THAN GOD. Who wants to walk
around all day carrying something like that? Apparently quite a
few people, from what I observed. Hell, I saw one idiot
struggling to carry THREE of those fucking things, and dragging
them onto roller coaster lines with him and everything. I hope
those animals fell on him and crushed him under their weight.
Speaking of which, I feel sorry for those poor bastards that
have to dress up in those giant animal costumes and walk around
in blistering heat all day. What a shitty job. If I were one of
those guys, I would damn sure snap and end up killing a bunch of
kids. I’d probably have a special bush that I would hide the
bodies behind. It would be over near the restrooms, right behind
the annoying carnival barker dude with the big “test your
strength” mallet. Come to think of it, I’d probably just kill
him and take the mallet. It’d be much more fun to run around
attacking children that way. It’d be like whack-a-mole, but
about ten times more fulfilling.
note: Protoclown needs to get back
to a theme park in the near future. He’s started to develop “the
twitch” that only more funnel cake can cure.