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by: Protoclown

I love amusement parks, or “theme parks” as a lot of them are called these days. There are few finer ways to spend a summer day than roaming around an amusement park for hours, getting onto rickety death-trap contraptions that lurch you around at breakneck speeds and spin you upside down repeatedly. Unless... you’re a scared little girl or something.

I understand, of course. When I was younger, I was afraid of all but the most gentle roller coasters. I would never even have considered going on anything that goes upside-down, not even for a second. I remember the first time I rode the “Scooby Doo” roller coaster at King’s Dominion, I nearly shat my pants from fear as it careened around the corners at twenty, possibly thirty miles per hour!

But somewhere along the way, I got over my fear. Now I’ll go on anything and everything, the more insane, the better. If they design a roller coaster that jumps off the track and ramps over a spike-filled pit, I’m there. A bungee drop from 500 feet over shark infested waters? Just tell me where to sign up. Two roller coaster cars on the same track zooming towards each other on a collision course, with a big net down below to catch all the survivors and/or body parts? Sure, why not.

One thing I cannot stand though is the water park. Most big parks have one, an area sectioned off from the rest of the park, where you go on water slides, get in inner tubes and drift aimlessly, or big wave pools that you get into and bob around. It’s an area that’s basic design revolves around getting you as wet as possible. I don’t like being wet, except in the shower. That’s about it. I don’t like walking around in drenched clothes for the rest of the day, and more importantly, I don’t swim, so the water park is not very appealing to me. Even when the water isn’t very deep. It just isn’t something I enjoy.

But what bothers me the most about the water park isn’t the water. It’s the other people. I just recently got dragged along to the water park at King’s Dominion by some friends of mine, and since I didn’t want to go on any of the water “rides”, I was delegated to watch over everyone else’s stuff that they didn’t want to get wet. Fine by me, I dragged some other people onto rides that they didn’t particularly want to go on earlier in the day, and fair’s fair.

As I was sitting around by the big pile of stuff, I started watching the other people walking by, as there wasn’t much else to do. I was appalled at the number of morbidly obese people wandering around wearing the skimpiest bathing suits that they could fit into. And many of them weren’t just of gargantuan size, they were hideously ugly as well! It was as if every fat, ugly stupid, buck-toothed redneck bastard decided to come down from the mountain just so they could have a parade right in front of me that day. But the thing is, it wasn't just that day, they are ALWAYS there! They are drawn to the water park by some force that I have not yet begun to understand. There were only two (TWO!) people who wandered by that day who I wouldn’t mind seeing naked, and ONE OF THEM WAS A GUY. Fucking water parks.

Sadly, one of those guys is my uncle.

One odd phenomenon that only just struck me the last time I went to a theme park is the ubiquitous presence of wandering goths. I saw at least four distinct traveling bands of goths wandering around the park over and over again throughout the day. And now that I think of it, every time I’ve ever been to a theme park, state fair, carnival or bake sale, there are always groups of goths wandering around aimlessly. At one point on my last trip, two of the separate goth groups just happened to stumble into opposite ends of the “Congo” area of the park at the same time. As they approached each other, I became certain that I was in for a real treat, as I anticipated watching two warring goth clans closing in on each other and snapping their fingers in a “West Side Story” showdown of epic proportions. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen. They merely stayed as far away from each other as possible, giving each other a wide berth as they cautiously went past. I saw another goth in line to ride a roller coaster, accompanied by only one other “normal” person. This guy was fully decked out in black clothing, white face paint, and a leather trench coat, in 90-degree heat. If someone is so concerned about their “image” that they are willing to collapse of heat-stroke to maintain it, they deserve what they get.

Touch my nipple and I'll cry :(
Family entertainment and a whole lot more!

One thing I do truly HATE about amusement parks are those annoying carnival barker types who work at those shitty booths that are spaced every five feet between all the rides. You know the ones, with impossible games that can only be won by a pact with Satan, like throwing rings onto bottle necks and shit like that. And then if you do by some miracle manage to win, you get to choose from a selection of stuffed animals that are BIGGER THAN GOD. Who wants to walk around all day carrying something like that? Apparently quite a few people, from what I observed. Hell, I saw one idiot struggling to carry THREE of those fucking things, and dragging them onto roller coaster lines with him and everything. I hope those animals fell on him and crushed him under their weight.

And this is the smallest plush they had!!

Speaking of which, I feel sorry for those poor bastards that have to dress up in those giant animal costumes and walk around in blistering heat all day. What a shitty job. If I were one of those guys, I would damn sure snap and end up killing a bunch of kids. I’d probably have a special bush that I would hide the bodies behind. It would be over near the restrooms, right behind the annoying carnival barker dude with the big “test your strength” mallet. Come to think of it, I’d probably just kill him and take the mallet. It’d be much more fun to run around attacking children that way. It’d be like whack-a-mole, but about ten times more fulfilling.

note: Protoclown needs to get back to a theme park in the near future. He’s started to develop “the twitch” that only more funnel cake can cure.

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