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APPARENTLY
by: Max Burbank

Oh, good Lord this is the most wonderful day, because apparently and I donít know if youíve already heard this but theyíre making a movie of the fabulous Harry Potter books and apparently thereís going to be some merchandising tie-ins! And apparently all the dolls and magnets and lunchboxes an notebooks and ceramic Harry Potter Nick nacks I already bought can be joined on the shelf by all new dolls, magnets, lunchboxes, notebooks, ceramic nick nacks with the characterís movie likenesses! Not to mention calendars and screensavers and mouse pads and coffee mugs and prosthetic limbs and suppositories! Itís just so marvelous you have to believe in a loving God and plus which, apparently that Lord of the Rings Movie is coming and that little Elijah Wood is just cuter than a sack of bunnies with huge Japanese cartoon eyes! Those ears? And sweeter than the baby Jesus furry little toes! I just know, know, know, that J.R.R. Tolkien would have loved this movie because the Internet trailer I saw was THAT GOOD! And Iím going to buy sheets for my bed with hobbits on them and adult size Nazgul footy Pajamas! Oh my Christ, how can anyone complain about starvation and slaughter and child labor in a world where thereís footy pajamas in adult sizes!?

Harry Potter Suppositories!
A diagram of how to use the
upcoming Harry Potter Suppositories.

And it gets better!! I almost had a heart attack, I swear on Mother Theresaís Corpse I did! Apparently? Aaron Carter? And his brother Nick? Are BROTHERS!! No, apparently itís true! And theyíre both famous! And Apparently? At some point? Theyíll date famous girls and break up and date other famous girls and weíll all get to know every excruciating detail! Honestly! When I heard this my head filled up with blood and I screamed and screamed until something inside my neck popped, thatís how happy I was!

And apparently, George Lucas is putting so many special effects into Episode Two that they had to invent some whole new thingy that would hold that many special effects!! Oh, God, Oh God, I donít know if I can stand how good itís going to be, Iím frightened Iíll die of the sheer happiness, I mean it, right there in the seat with my Jumbo Titanico Tub-o-Poppy-Corn and their making this special new extra deluxe compressed Coca-cola tank that you strap on to your back and it just PUMPS you full of cola all through the film and a special edition Lucasfilms Feel-the-Force catheter SUCKS it out of you!! Because apparently this movie is going to be so mind bogglingly awesome that people would wet and soil themselves rather than miss a single instant of cinematic geniusness, and apparently this time the toys will be so amazing that KB wonít need to throw them at you every time you walk past them in the mall because apparently this one will be like getting French kissed by Jesus even though the last one was less of a film than what you get around the rim of your bathtub if you bathe a Frenchman!!

And people? Some of them actually get depressed about Macedonia? You know what? Some people donít WANT to be happy, they just want to bury their heads in the sand and not look at flowers or sunsets or flocked velvet posters of rainbows and unicorns that you can color in yourself with any colors you want and those poster even come with their own markers! Some people canít even take the time to get down on their God Damn knees and thank their lucky STARS the Recees keeps coming up with new kinds up candy cups, thatís how ungrateful they are, and I swear to CHRIST I would happily kill someone like that, I would happily, happily jump up and down on them and tear out their throats with my teeth and shake my head all around like a dog, and apparently their wind pipes would be a yummy, crunchy goodness in my mouth because apparently, my friend, APPARENTLY , God hates a sourpuss!!

Yes! Yes! I like my Lisa Frank school supplies! And I am so happy there will be new Star Trek on TV this fall, I wept when I found out and if you think thatís shameful in some way well WATCH OUT FOR ME, MISTER, because apparently I will rip into you like the ANGEL of DEATH and run screaming through the streets wearing your liver as an EASTER BONNET if you so much as look CROSS EYED at me because this world is GOOD! It is good and crispy and covered in sweet chocolately flavor, and anyone, ANYONE who has the GALL to complain about ethnic cleansing and famine had better open their hearts to the resurgence of Mr. Tís career, or by the agonizing death of Jesus on the Cross I will open their hearts for them and turn them inside out, APPARENTLY! Iím not ASHAMED to be HAPPY! I bought a fish on a plaque and it SINGS!! I bought it at a WALGREENíS! I live in a world where you can by a fish on a plaque that sings at a WALGREENS you goddamn SON OF A BITCH! You think I want to hear about how Stem Cell research is gonna let Christopher Reeve get up and walk?! If I listen to shit like that how the hell am I gonna hear my plastic fish SING?!

Okay. Okay. Iím happy and apparently thereís more to be happy about every day. I can stop on the way home and get that new Furby that looks like a Clam and while Iím waiting for the New Fall Lineup I can pray that God makes all you grouchy bastards happy like me. Because apparently the new good things that are coming will be so good theyíll make the old good things that made you happy before look so bad youíll want to kill yourself for ever having liked them but you wonít because of how good the new good things are. So hang on. Breathe with me. Apparently it gets better.

note: Apparently the sedative we gave Max Burbank wasn't strong enough.


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