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Oh, good Lord this is the most wonderful day, because apparently and I don’t know if you’ve already heard this but they’re making a movie of the fabulous Harry Potter books and apparently there’s going to be some
merchandising tie-ins! And apparently all the dolls and magnets and lunchboxes an notebooks and ceramic Harry Potter Nick nacks I already bought can be joined on the shelf by all new dolls, magnets, lunchboxes, notebooks, ceramic nick nacks with the character’s movie
likenesses! Not to mention calendars and screensavers and mouse pads and coffee mugs and prosthetic limbs and suppositories! It’s just so marvelous you have to believe in a loving God and plus which, apparently that Lord of the Rings Movie is coming and that little Elijah Wood is just cuter than a sack of bunnies with huge Japanese cartoon eyes! Those ears? And sweeter than the baby Jesus furry little toes! I just know, know, know, that J.R.R. Tolkien would have loved this movie because the Internet trailer I saw was THAT GOOD! And I’m going to buy sheets for my bed with hobbits on them and adult size Nazgul footy Pajamas! Oh my Christ, how can anyone complain about starvation and slaughter and child labor in a world where there’s footy pajamas in adult sizes!?
A diagram of how to use the
upcoming Harry Potter Suppositories.
And it gets better!! I almost had a heart attack, I
swear on Mother Theresa’s Corpse I did! Apparently? Aaron Carter? And his brother Nick?
Are BROTHERS!! No, apparently it’s true! And they’re both famous! And
Apparently? At some point? They’ll date famous girls and break up and
date other famous girls and we’ll all get to know every excruciating
detail! Honestly! When I heard this my head filled up with blood and I
screamed and screamed until something inside my neck popped, that’s how
happy I was!
And apparently, George Lucas is putting so many special
effects into Episode Two that they had to invent some whole new thingy that would
hold that many special effects!! Oh, God, Oh God, I don’t know if I can
stand how good it’s going to be, I’m frightened I’ll die of
the sheer happiness, I mean it, right there in the seat with my Jumbo Titanico
Tub-o-Poppy-Corn and their making this special new extra deluxe compressed Coca-cola tank
that you strap on to your back and it just PUMPS you full of cola all through the film and a special edition
Lucasfilms Feel-the-Force catheter SUCKS it out of you!! Because
apparently this movie is going to be so mind bogglingly awesome that
people would wet and soil themselves rather than miss a single instant
of cinematic geniusness, and apparently this time the toys will be so
amazing that KB won’t need to throw them at you every time you walk past
them in the mall because apparently this one will be like getting French
kissed by Jesus even though the last one was less of a film than what
you get around the rim of your bathtub if you bathe a Frenchman!!
And people? Some of them actually get depressed about
Macedonia? You know what? Some people don’t WANT to be happy, they just want to bury
their heads in the sand and not look at flowers or sunsets or flocked
velvet posters of rainbows and unicorns that you can color in yourself
with any colors you want and those poster even come with their own
markers! Some people can’t even take the time to get down on their God
Damn knees and thank their lucky STARS the Recees keeps coming up with
new kinds up candy cups, that’s how ungrateful they are, and I swear to
CHRIST I would happily kill someone like that, I would happily, happily
jump up and down on them and tear out their throats with my teeth and
shake my head all around like a dog, and apparently their wind pipes
would be a yummy, crunchy goodness in my mouth because apparently, my
friend, APPARENTLY , God hates a sourpuss!!
Yes! Yes! I like my Lisa Frank school supplies! And I am so happy there
will be new Star Trek on TV this fall, I wept when I found out and if
you think that’s shameful in some way well WATCH OUT FOR ME, MISTER,
because apparently I will rip into you like the ANGEL of DEATH and run
screaming through the streets wearing your liver as an EASTER BONNET if
you so much as look CROSS EYED at me because this world is GOOD! It is
good and crispy and covered in sweet chocolately flavor, and anyone,
ANYONE who has the GALL to complain about ethnic cleansing and famine
had better open their hearts to the resurgence of Mr. T’s career, or by
the agonizing death of Jesus on the Cross I will open their hearts for
them and turn them inside out, APPARENTLY! I’m not ASHAMED to be HAPPY!
I bought a fish on a plaque and it SINGS!! I bought it at a WALGREEN’S! I
live in a world where you can by a fish on a plaque that sings at a
WALGREENS you goddamn SON OF A BITCH! You think I want to hear about how
Stem Cell research is gonna let Christopher Reeve get up and walk?! If I
listen to shit like that how the hell am I gonna hear my plastic fish
SING?!
Okay. Okay. I’m happy and apparently there’s more to be
happy about every day. I can stop on the way home and get that new Furby that looks
like a Clam and while I’m waiting for the New Fall Lineup I can pray
that God makes all you grouchy bastards happy like me. Because apparently the new good things that are coming will be
so good they’ll make the old good things that made you happy before look so bad you’ll
want to kill yourself for ever having liked them but you won’t because
of how good the new good things are. So hang on. Breathe with me.
Apparently it gets better.
note:
Apparently the sedative we gave Max Burbank wasn't strong
enough.
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