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APRIL FOOLS
by: Max Burbank

Iím writing this on April fools day. When youíre reading it is of no concern to me. For me itís right now and as far as you and your personal now go, I donít give a smoothly shaved ratís ass, as my Dad used to say.

My one year old celebrated the day by beginning to vomit around 12:45 and creating laundry for about three hours before settling into a wheezy crying jag and finally being gently lulled to sleep by the sound of my alarm going off. Luckily today was also daylight savings time, so it was really, really early.

I soon discovered our car was gone. I felt pretty good about that as weíd had the clutch replaced. Thatís the second new clutch since we bought the car two years ago, so I didnít have to worry about the thief having a jumpy bumpy ride. Lord knows thatís not how I like to start my day.

You might think my enthusiasm for April Foolís pranks was a little dampened by the holiday jests the Good Lord had already played on me. You might imagine me praying, "Oh Lord our God, Master of the Universe who created the fruit of the vine, if youíre not too busy ignoring war crimes in Albania and Aids in Africa, could you take a moment and stop screwing me?", but that kind of thing is too selfish for me, and besides, my concept of God is less that of a benign and all powerful Father and more like a vast, incomprehensible cosmic meat grinder. I guess if Iím wrong that was a bad thing to say. My point is, while I did indeed feel somewhat jostled by the vicissitudes of life this morning, I saw it not as a warning, but a challenge.

Itís not unusual for me to wake my five year old up on a Sunday morning by shrieking sheís late for school, ĎFire, fire!í or that old classic Ďget away you bad kidnapper!í, but going that extra mile on Holidays is an important part of parenting, so I took one of her stuffed animals, filled an incision with cold spaghetti and sauce, gently laid it on her chest and bellowed "GOOD CHRIST, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT?!" Then before she could really orient herself I put her in time out for the whole day and made a beeline for work.

The Wife is harder to trick and quite a bit stronger in the left hook department. I settled for calling her every five minutes from work and asking in a high, nasal voice if there were any messages for Abdullah. This was doubly amusing as we have caller ID so there was never any doubt it was me and it turns out ĎAbdullahí is, by coincidence, turns out to be the name of the man sheís cheating on me with. Iím kidding, of course. My little April fools joke on you. How could anyone who would marry me be able to get a boyfriend?

All that left was my coworkers which is hard as Iím the only one in my division who works Sundays. I learned the hard way last year that the old burning bag of dog poo is only funny if the person whoís door you put it in front of is there. Otherwise it just burns and burns and then later you get fired. Of course last year April Fools didnít fall on a Sunday, so why I set fire to a bag of dog crap in front of my VP.ís locked door is really anybodyís guess. Itís lucky I hung on to my keys and ID, otherwise Iíd never be able to pull off anything this year. I guess itís kind of funny I came in at all, in an ironic way.

As it turns out, our car wasnít stolen. When the mechanic yesterday said "Iím dropping it off", apparently by Ďití he meant the keys and the bill. So I guess I regret what I did on his front porch on the way to work this morning, even if it is April Foolís day. I particularly regret there was no dog around. Also I hope no one saw me filling the bag.

note: As an added April Fools gag, Max Burbank included a virus (which destroyed our computers) with this piece. Ha Ha Ha, what a kidder that Max guy!) *loads gun*


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