Itís April Foolís Day. I mean, probably not while youíre reading
this, but now, as I write it? April first.
Not that it matters, because Iím not making a joke here. I mean,
yes, my intent is to be funny, but not in a Ďjokeyí kind of way.
I donít like jokes very much. Except the one about how the duck
goes into the pharmacy and ask for some Chap Stick and says that
it should go on his bill, which is hilarious. And the impatient
cow knock knock joke. And then one about George Washington
fucking somebody. Jokes are okay, I guess.
But you know what? I donít really feel like April Foolís day. I
mean, wasnít it just Easter yesterday, isnít that enough of a
practical joke for anybody? "Hey, Iím the Messiah! Oh, hey,
look, Iím dead! Oh, hey, wait, kidding, Iím back! Not sticking
around, though and by the way, most of you disciple guys are
going to die really awful, martyry type deaths and you guys?
Donít come back." If I were Mary Iíd have said, "You know,
Jesus, that is so NOT funny. Thatís just mean." And then Jesus
would be all "Yeah, well, I spent months telling you guys about
being nice and helping poor people and Iím pretty sure I wasnít
really holding your attention, so I thought Iíd try to lighten
it up, see where that got me" And Iíd go "Iím totally sick of
your revisionist history and selective memory, because what you
just did might seem funny to you, but to me itís passive
Of course, if I were Mary Iíd be a chick. And that would give me
a lot to think about all on itís own.
The point is, Iím not in the mood. I donít want to prank anyone
and God knows I donít want to be pranked. It just seems over the
years pranks have gotten crueler and crueler and Iím just not up
for it. Fake rubber vomit is just over on the one hand, and on
the other, if you convince me my Mom just died in an auto wreck,
Iím not going to laugh when you say "APRIL FOOLS!" Iím going to
pop you one in the chow hole.
And I know, I know, you figured when you saw the title this was
going to be a list of hysterical practical joke suggestion like:
PUT A BOGUS POO-POO IN YOUR BOSSíS LUNCH SACK!!!
TELL SOMEONE VERY CONVINCINGLY THEIR MOM JUST DIED IN AN AUTO
Well, you know what? Screw that. That shit is not funny and it
never will be. The fake epileptic seizures, the little squib on
the side of the head that blows raw hamburger and ketchup
everywhere, the LSD on the communion wafer, when the hell are
you people gonna grow up? I mean, my God, life is a terminal
disease, isnít that enough of a frigginí April Foolís for you
people, WHAT AM I, YOUR DAMN JOKE MACHINE?! DONíT YOU
THINK I HAVE FEELINGS?!?
Okay, okay, okay, wait, here you go; Take some guy, right? Just
some random guy and send him to school, get him married, let him
have some kids and then in the middle of the night on March 31,
just kind of whisper in his ear "Nothing in your life has turned
out the way you thought it would, has it?" and then when the
next GOD DAMN DAY he cruises in to a BRIDGE ABUTMENT at 120
MILES PER FRIGGINí HOUR, have the EMT with the JAWS OF LIFE and
a WET VAC yell ĎAPRIL FOOLS!!í AT HIM!!!! No. No no no nononono
NO! Thatís not good enough. Howís about you climb to the top of
a telephone pole and just start squeezing off heavy rounds at
any old anonymous bastard unfortunate enough to fall into the
cross hairs as you scream APRIL FOOLS, APRIL FOOLS, APRIL FOOLS
until a SWAT team arrives and fills you full of more lead than
your kindergarten PENCIL?!? HAH?!?
APRIL FOOLS! APRIL FOOLS! Pencils have graphite in them, not
lead, because kids suck on pencils and lead is poisonous.
Of course, pencils used to have lead in them. And kids sucked on
Ďem. And got lead poisoning. And died. Or just went crazy. Or
basically became retarded. Just so they could write in some damn
Ah, screw all ah yas.
note: Max Burbank still falls for
that fake vomit every time. Primarily because he's drunk 24/7
and assumes it came from his own gullet.