Late last night I had an epiphany, anyway I think I did
except I’m not entirely certain what that word means and I may be thinking of a stroke.
Whichever of those two things means a blinding flash of insight accompanied by
sudden pain in the left ocular orbit and tingling numbness up the underside of the left arm, that’s what I
had. It came to me that the cause of my recent severe depression and insomnia was not my
impulsive decision to replace everything in my diet with Pez, but the
fact that we do not yet have enough award shows.
I mean, yes, sure, there’s Oscars,
Tonys, Emmys, Grammys, Golden Globes, Peoples Choice Awards, TV guide
awards, Cable Ace Awards, Drama Critic’s Desk awards, MTV gives ‘em out, Nickelodeon has a crew of teamsters
hydraulics technicians heft Rosie Odonnell long enough to hand ‘em out,
but we all know it isn’t enough. And it won’t be enough until, like an
ecosystem with no predators, it devours itself. Only when there are so
many award shows that Stars spend all their time in attendance and no
time producing things that get awards can we at last sleep peacefully
knowing we have fulfilled God’s plan.
I have a betting pool going to see how long we have to
wait for an Award Show Award Show. It could have categories like best acceptance speech,
best drunken rambling, most wooden reading of TelePrompTer script,
best person getting an award because they’re going to croak in the next year,
best accidentally exposed breast, best intentionally exposed breast...
But we already know this show is coming. The Academy Awards wins an
Emmy almost every year.
How about the Comedy Central awards? They could give out
prizes for introducing and then axing innovative programming, or for showing the
same lame direct to video crap fests two or three hundred times a
season, the special Gallagher Lifetime Achievement Award given to a
network executive who for unknown reasons keeps a particular comics
career alive well after it’s valid expiration date, that sort of thing.
Couldn’t US magazine sponsor an Awards program for shows
you knew would be canceled in less than a month when you read about them in the special
TV guide fall spectacular? Best shockingly transparent rip off of
something popular from last season? Best high concept star vehicle that
beyond being high concept and having a Star in it had nothing to
recommend it at all? Best attempt to give a celebrity who failed
memorably yet one more chance to waste mountains of cash that might
otherwise be spent on starving children or the government sponsored
ethnic cleansing of starving children?
How about throwing some awards to local news outlets for
their coverage of things that burned up, people who got killed, the weather and sports?
There could be a special award for teasers that hint there’s something
that will kill your baby and you’d better tune in and sit through
things that burned up and people that died before we tell you what it is, or
your baby will die and it will be on your shoulders.
What about obese Weather Men prattling mindlessly during
parade coverage? Don’t they deserve a little statue now and then? And what
about all the proud men and women who shamelessly degrade themselves on
reality shows in the vain hope of eating the leftover crusts of the
great celebrity pizza? Shouldn’t they have the opportunity to be cut off
by grandly swelling music in the middle of their acceptance speech?
Shouldn’t just one naked, rat eating, exhibitionist sub moron have their
moment to thank Jesus for heeding their prayers instead of some dumb ass
Unitarian Mo-Mo’s plea for an end to war or poverty or something?
And if someone, some way at some point could find any
excuse at all to give Joan Rivers the Michael Jackson award for Most Plastic Surgery
without your whole head just falling apart like bargain hamburger, and
if they could do that while wiring Melissa River’s mouth up to a
really huge amount of gellignite so that if she ever spoke again in any context
whatever, let alone a friggin’ pre awards show, her tongue would get
blown entirely out an exit wound in the back of her head big enough to
drive a school bus full of nuns and orphans through, well I’d be so damn
grateful I’d probably, I don’t know what all, maybe give them an award
Burbank will soon be accepting the award for "Best Rant
About Award Shows".
Burbank is absolutely right about Comedy Central axing the few
innovative shows they had (such as The Upright Citizens Brigade
and Strangers With Candy).