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by: Max Burbank

Late last night I had an epiphany, anyway I think I did except Iím not entirely certain what that word means and I may be thinking of a stroke. Whichever of those two things means a blinding flash of insight accompanied by sudden pain in the left ocular orbit and tingling numbness up the underside of the left arm, thatís what I had. It came to me that the cause of my recent severe depression and insomnia was not my impulsive decision to replace everything in my diet with Pez, but the fact that we do not yet have enough award shows.

I mean, yes, sure, thereís Oscars, Tonys, Emmys, Grammys, Golden Globes, Peoples Choice Awards, TV guide awards, Cable Ace Awards, Drama Criticís Desk awards, MTV gives Ďem out, Nickelodeon has a crew of teamsters hydraulics technicians heft Rosie Odonnell long enough to hand Ďem out, but we all know it isnít enough. And it wonít be enough until, like an ecosystem with no predators, it devours itself. Only when there are so many award shows that Stars spend all their time in attendance and no time producing things that get awards can we at last sleep peacefully knowing we have fulfilled Godís plan.

I have a betting pool going to see how long we have to wait for an Award Show Award Show. It could have categories like best acceptance speech, best drunken rambling, most wooden reading of TelePrompTer script, best person getting an award because theyíre going to croak in the next year, best accidentally exposed breast, best intentionally exposed breast... But we already know this show is coming. The Academy Awards wins an Emmy almost every year.

How about the Comedy Central awards? They could give out prizes for introducing and then axing innovative programming, or for showing the same lame direct to video crap fests two or three hundred times a season, the special Gallagher Lifetime Achievement Award given to a network executive who for unknown reasons keeps a particular comics career alive well after itís valid expiration date, that sort of thing.

Couldnít US magazine sponsor an Awards program for shows you knew would be canceled in less than a month when you read about them in the special TV guide fall spectacular? Best shockingly transparent rip off of something popular from last season? Best high concept star vehicle that beyond being high concept and having a Star in it had nothing to recommend it at all? Best attempt to give a celebrity who failed memorably yet one more chance to waste mountains of cash that might otherwise be spent on starving children or the government sponsored ethnic cleansing of starving children?

How about throwing some awards to local news outlets for their coverage of things that burned up, people who got killed, the weather and sports? There could be a special award for teasers that hint thereís something that will kill your baby and youíd better tune in and sit through things that burned up and people that died before we tell you what it is, or your baby will die and it will be on your shoulders.

What about obese Weather Men prattling mindlessly during parade coverage? Donít they deserve a little statue now and then? And what about all the proud men and women who shamelessly degrade themselves on reality shows in the vain hope of eating the leftover crusts of the great celebrity pizza? Shouldnít they have the opportunity to be cut off by grandly swelling music in the middle of their acceptance speech? Shouldnít just one naked, rat eating, exhibitionist sub moron have their moment to thank Jesus for heeding their prayers instead of some dumb ass Unitarian Mo-Moís plea for an end to war or poverty or something?

And if someone, some way at some point could find any excuse at all to give Joan Rivers the Michael Jackson award for Most Plastic Surgery without your whole head just falling apart like bargain hamburger, and if they could do that while wiring Melissa Riverís mouth up to a really huge amount of gellignite so that if she ever spoke again in any context whatever, let alone a frigginí pre awards show, her tongue would get blown entirely out an exit wound in the back of her head big enough to drive a school bus full of nuns and orphans through, well Iíd be so damn grateful Iíd probably, I donít know what all, maybe give them an award or something.

note: Max Burbank will soon be accepting the award for "Best Rant About Award Shows".

note #2: Max Burbank is absolutely right about Comedy Central axing the few innovative shows they had (such as The Upright Citizens Brigade and Strangers With Candy).

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