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by: Max Burbank

"You better watch out, You better not cry, Better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town."

Is it any wonder half the toddlers in line to see the mall Santa would rather eat a ground glass sandwich? I mean, maybe the opening line of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" wasn’t originally intended to be threatening, but there’s no denying that’s how it’s been used by
Parent’s, Teachers and most recently Juvenile Parole Officers over the years. The whole concept of Santa is frightening enough with this song. A bearded stranger enters your house in the dead of night and leaves
anonymous packages. Jolly Old Elf or Unibomber? My kids hate it when I submerge their gifts in the tub before opening them, but they’d hate going through life with a hook hand and disfiguring burn scars covering thirty percent of their bodies too.

"He’s making a list, Checking it Twice, Gonna find out
who’s naughty and nice, Santa Claus is coming to town."

Who else had a list? Nixon had one. So did Joe McCarthy. Adrian Messenger had a list and just about everyone on it died horribly. Schindler’s list was nice in context, but frankly people who keep lists give me the willies. Oh, and Santa? Who was it said "Judge not lest ye be judged"? I’m pretty sure it was Jesus and he might already be a little miffed about you co-opting his birthday. Maybe you’d better watch out, ‘cause rumor has it the Lamb of God can be a mean drunk, and this is the party season.

Now it gets truly terrifying;

"He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re
awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake"

Does this mean Santa is a little like God or a little like Stalinist Russia? He sees me when I’m sleeping? That could explain the recovered memories. Does this mean that Santa can choose to observe me at any moment? Am I the only one who found himself unable to ‘get down to business’ in the restroom from about Thanksgiving on? Must children live in fear that their smallest moral lapses are observed? Did Chris Kringle see Danny use to ‘five finger discount’ to get that perfume for Mom? Was
Saint Nick watching when Timmy ‘borrowed’ Dad’s Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for a little ‘Quiet Time’? Was Father Christmas skulking in the bushes Chuck and Suzanne appeased the powers of darkness by sacrificing old lady Johnson’s Bijon Frise?

And what does Santa give in exchange for your inalienable human right to privacy. Toys. And that’s if you’ve been ‘Nice’. If you’re ‘Naughty’ you give it all up for a lump of coal! There’s a word for citizens being
required to cede certain rights to a controlling authority in exchange for services rendered to the majority. Fascism.

So before you set out the cookies and milk Christmas Eve, take a moment to consider these few facts;

1.) Would you allow your children onto the lap of any other obese, elderly stranger?

2.) Santa only came to appreciate Rudolph once he found a way to exploit him.

3.) Only works at night? Immortal? Probably a Vampire.

4.) Despite a massive cover-up and media collusion, evidence shows that at 4:56 AM, December 25, 1957, on his way back to the North Pole, Santa’s sled crashed in the Andes. Ostensibly he’d eaten the reindeer to survive, but Medivac Elves on the scene agree he could have lived for months off his ‘bowl full of jelly.’

added bonus: For those of you who haven't sent out your Xmas cards yet this year... we've already worked up a nice little card that you can send people for free! It pretty much sums up our feelings about the holiday season. All you gotta do is CLICK HERE TO SEE IT!

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