Bottled Waters Guaranteed To Aid You In Your Quest To Become A Douchebag
by: -RoG-

If you're like me, and whether you want to admit it or not... you are, you enjoy a refreshing gulp of icy cold water on just about any given day. But long gone are the days when we would dash toward the water fountain after yet another gym class which confirmed that we had little to no hand-eye coordination whatsoever. Nowadays, those of us looking to halt our hankerings for H2O not only avoid tap water sources, we usually pay good money to drink it straight from the bottle. And don't try to pretend you're above the whole bottled water thing, telling me you've never had it before, because you have had it and you know it. Whether it's been on a lunch break, at a movie theater, or at one of those lengthy outdoor concert events where you paid 7 bux for a bottle of the stuff so you wouldn't die of dehydration (unless it was Woodstock in 1994, in which case I think most people at that concert consumed mud for sustenance instead of water), you've had it before and you'll have it again. And why not? If there's one thing mankind needs to do it's stuff our landfills with as much plastic as possible at an accelerated pace.

Of course, there's no real guarantee that your healthy bottled water came from a natural hidden spring that has never come into contact with badger urine. For all you know, that $3.00 bottle of water you're chugging down is nothing more than the backwash of a cancerous leprotic named Bucky. But who cares? If the phthalates leaking from that plastic water bottle are good enough for my internal organs, than they're good enough for everybody, right? Wrong.

Apparently, some people aren't satisfied with their generic Brand-X bottle of water. No, no, no. Much like connoisseurs of fine wine, there are people with a palette for only the most exquisite waters that this world has to offer. They demand MORE out of their water. They're not satisfied with water that came from a remote spring, that's simply not difficult enough. It has to be for more outrageous than that, like, oh I don't know... say a company that specializes in bottling the tears of baby koalas as they watch their parents get brutalized with a meat hammer. Truly a water made only for the discriminating members of high society.

There's a word for people who will only drink waters of this nature: douchebags. Today, I would like to share with you a sampling of some of the waters that these douchebags enjoy on a regular basis:

Aveta: Celtic Goddess Of Healing Water

I don't know how they did it, but the Irish have captured the Gallo-Roman deity, Aveta and forced her to purify their water for profit. Only problem is, she's been around for hundreds of years and isn't quite the "goddess" that she once was. In all honesty, Judy Tenuta is far more of a goddess than Aveta is these days, but that doesn't mean I'd want to drink her water either.

Voss Water

"Say kids! Who wants some artesian water from Norway? I DO! I DO! I DO!" I'm pretty sure the creators of Voss were inspired by the plutonium containers that Doc Brown used to power his time machine with in Back To The Future. Sadly, you can't have a time machine that will take you back to a period when you didn't waste your money on such frivolous bullshit. Voss water is "taken from a virgin aquifer shielded for centuries under ice and rock in the untouched wilderness of central Norway". Don't worry, once Norway's own black metal band Gorgoroth catches word about it, that aquifer won't be a virgin for much longer.

OGO Water

Awwww, don't you just wanna give it a big hug? It's such a cute little bottle of water. OGO comes from The Netherlands and is said to have a higher oxygen concentration than normal water. You've heard of an "oxygen high" right? Well here it is in a convenient bottle for you. Unfortunately, there is one side-effect to drinking OGO. People who ingest OGO too quickly, get an oxygen high that often makes them stick a wick into the empty bottle during their trancelike state of mind. They then take this bottle to a nearby bank and raise it above their heads shouting, "I've got a bomb! Give me all your money or I'm gonna blow this joint to pieces!" Naturally, bank security recognizes this as an empty water bottle and not a bomb, and they quickly pummel the would-be thieves.

Veen Water

Wait a minute, that can't be water. It must be vodka. Sorry... my mistake.

Fiji Water

It's not the most expensive water out there, but I'm pretty sure people only buy this stuff because of how colorful the bottle design is. Nobody cares that this water is purified by the volcanic sulfur tiki gods, all they care about is that it comes in a bottle with imagery of pretty flowers and a waterfall. When lugging that 50-gallon designer aquarium around town proves to be too cumbersome, you can count on Fiji as an excellent substitute. Toss a betta fish in there for some added colorful delights... just don't forget to remove it before you let your thirst get the better of you on a hot summer day. Interestingly enough, for a bottle that shows off the beauty of nature, Fiji is well known for running an operation that is more taxing on the environment than many other water companies. "The production plant runs on diesel fuel, 24 hours a day. The high-grade plastic used to make the bottles is transported from China to Fiji, and then (full of water) to the United States. A 1-liter bottle of FIJI Water contaminates 6.74 liters of water to stretch-blow mold the plastic, burns fossil fuel to transport plastics from China and full bottles to the U.S., and produces 0.25 kg of greenhouse emissions." Be sure to keep that in mind the next time you take a sip of Fiji water as it sweeps your mind away to a dreamlike waterfall.

Le Bleu Water

If you're gonna call your water something like "Le Bleu" as opposed to "Blue", perhaps it would be best to have the water originate in France instead of in North Carolina. The owner's last name, Smith, is hardly French either. I call Le Bullshit.

Ice Rocks Spring Water Ice Cubes

Ok, I realize that these aren't technically bottled, but it still comes in a "ready to freeze" liquid format, and I find it to be just as equally pointless as those upper echelon bottled waters. Each precious cube is hermetically sealed in an individual disposable container. A while back I sent them a pitch for a brilliant new ad campaign in which I would pop up on the TV screen, pop a cube into my mouth and proclaim, "THESE AIN'T YO MOMMA'S ICE CUBES!" Sadly, I've yet to hear back from the company.

Penta Water

It may not look fancy, but the Penta water company claims that their water contains water clusters of fewer molecules than normal water. Look, if I'm paying a lot of money for water, I don't want less molecules, I want more. That's just so typical isn't it? Companies trying to give consumers less product while simultaneously charging more for it. The fact is, you'd have to be running short of a few molecules in your noggin if you buy into this stuff. Just check out a few of the companies claims:

- Penta is easier to drink than normal water.
- Penta aids in weight loss.
- Penta has helped clear up skin problems.
- Penta helps houseplants grow.
- Penta enhances absorption of moisturizer cream onto skin.

Did I mention that Penta cures cancer and solves world hunger? Penta water is no longer sold in the UK because most claims about the benefits of drinking their water have been proven to be misleading. In response to Guardian UK journalist Ben Goldmember, a critic of their product, one Penta employee sent him the following message: "Goldmember I do hope you are a better physician than you are a journalist when we publish you will of course be informed out of the decency/courtesy you didn't show to us! Sleep well tonight and think about how and why you tried to fuck us over and practice keeping one eye open." Now that's the kind of professional company I want to buy my drinking water from!

Fred Water

Lonely? In need of a friend? Well perhaps this water is up your alley. "Fred" is probably the first brand of water to be given a persona. Their slogan says it all: "Fred. He's water." Fred even has his own Myspace page, and I guarantee, he can't wait to read all your comments like, "OMG Fred! YoU LoOk SoooOooo HAWT! See U at tHe Club ToNitE! xoxo <3 Jade". But man, I hope Fred doesn't get into another scuffle with the security guards at the club like last time. He was such a goddamn embarrassment at the Viper Room the other week, I don't know if I'll ever be able to show my face there again. Only reason we even got out alive is because Fred's friend, Joey (a really nice seltzer from Indiana), broke up the fight and then paid off the security team. I tell ya, Fred has a real problem and I think we should maybe, you know, try to hold an intervention for him or something. Wait, we're still talking about bottled water here... aren't we?

Tŷ Nant Water

Now here's a brand of water that sounds like it's a villain straight out of Batman comic book lore like Sin Tzu or Ra's Al Ghul. But how can you think a bottled water to be so villainous when its own container appears to be flowing freely? Ok, actually it looks more like it was just melted, and you know what melts things? Heat rays. And you know who owns heat rays? Villains.

Bling H2O Water

Bottled water and fashion. Clearly, you can't separate one from the other, right? Well one company had the foresight to corner the market for celebrities who not only want to be seen wearing the latest fashions, but also want to be seen holding ultra-pretentious water bottles. I wish I was making this up, but Bling H2O is the most expensive water on the planet, running a whopping $40 for a 750ml bottle. For $40 you should be able to fill an olympic swimming pool. And the water doesn't appear to be anything super special, it's from a Tennessee spring and goes through a purification process just like every other water out there. What separates this stuff from the rest of the pack is that the bottles are actually decorated with Swarovski crystals. It's times like this when one must really question whether or not certain humans should be allowed to live. Yes indeed, if you want to proclaim "Fuck poor people!" with every sip of water you drink, then this is definitely the product for you!

If you happen to be one of the douchebags who drinks any of these waters, don't fret. I'm sure when these bottled water companies make koalas go extinct, they'll turn on humans like me who aren't part of the elite upper class for bottled tears to serve you. Granted, this won't change the fact that you're a pompous douchebag, but hey... at least you'll be a pompous douchebag with a bottle of tears from the common man.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Jet Blues

Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2008, 05:25 AM
There are acceptable circumstances for bottled water: emergencies (e.g., suffering from dehydration at a concert where they don't have water fountains or bathroom sinks that haven't been pissed in), or if you live somewhere that doesn't have potable water (i.e., your taps run brown and you don't like the full-bodied crunch of sediment when you're drinking).

If you're stupid enough to buy (or lucky enough to be somewhere you can steal) a bottle of bottled water, look for an expiration date on the package.

An expiration date.

On water.

I'm just waiting to hear "Don't drink that, Charlie! That water went bad two months ago!"
Apr 11th, 2008, 06:01 AM
if it stays in the bottle too long it starts leaching stuff out of the plastic :/ glass bottled water should never go bad, but it's probably way more expensive and pretentious
Flying Finn
Apr 11th, 2008, 06:30 AM
MMM...kinda reminds me of the Bullshit! Episode concerning bottled water;
T'was brilliant.
<me|yourmom> = you
Apr 11th, 2008, 08:18 AM
"It's times like this when one must really question whether or not certain humans should be allowed to live. "

I question that fact every day of my life. Eugenics can't be all bad can it?
No Future Guy
Apr 11th, 2008, 08:56 AM
I love water.
Fookin' up planets!
Apr 11th, 2008, 09:42 AM
fuck water
Master of Awesome Sauce!
Apr 11th, 2008, 09:46 AM
I had no clue most of this shit even existed! And I was a happier man....
Apr 11th, 2008, 09:55 AM
This "Water Bar" claims to have more than 80 types of water. So, now you can be even more of a douchebag by hanging out with other douchebags and pretending you can taste the subtle differences in the different waters:



It reminds me of that "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" episode when they fill water bottles from a hose out back of a fancy restaurant and tell people it's rare imported water and all the douchebags who drink it fawn all over the taste and color like a fine wine. HA!
High Priest of Burbank
Apr 11th, 2008, 10:43 AM
Gorgoroth reference FTW.

Good piece though, I've always thought this stuff.
skank pronger
Apr 11th, 2008, 10:44 AM
Penta is easier to drink than normal water.

Yeah, when I try to drink tap water I often end up missing my mouth and spilling it all over myself. It's just so damn hard to drink!
Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2008, 10:56 AM
Koalas aren't bears.
Retardedly Handsome
Apr 11th, 2008, 11:20 AM
I like to drink hose water. That might explain a lot of thing about me looking back now.
after enough bourbon ...
Apr 11th, 2008, 12:45 PM
I couldn't believe it, so I had to check for myself. There it was, on the "Penta Water" website:

"Our strongly held conviction is that Penta Water helps its drinkers be and stay active, alert and healthy. The additional studies now completed corroborate that the reason Penta Water works to support overall wellness is because Penta Water enhances or increases antioxidant activity at a cellular level."

What they neglected to mention was that NONE OF THIS IS PROVEN. Thus, they can say whatever they want.

Drink Penta. Because, we think you'll believe anything.
Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2008, 01:25 PM
Ok... Did anyone else read "Tŷ Nant Water" as "Taint Water?"
What Video Games?
Apr 11th, 2008, 02:30 PM
Hilarious article!

On the bright side, most of this probably "tastes" better than Aquafina, which tastes like it had been filtered through an old 1957 Mustang with it's metallic taste.
Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2008, 03:14 PM
Ok... Did anyone else read "Tŷ Nant Water" as "Taint Water?"

I was about to ask the same question.

I don't fee so icky now...
Big Red Cat
Apr 11th, 2008, 03:36 PM
Thanks be, my life search for a good sippin' water has come to its end.

Thank you, -RoG-, for putting up this excellent informative article.
hanging out
Apr 11th, 2008, 03:59 PM
I saw Voss at a gas station/liquor store in Missouri it was 75 cents a bottle. I was tempted to buy just for the novelty of the bottle. But it was late November and I had stoped for hot chocolate to warm me up and chilled water did not look good at all to me
Forum Virgin
Apr 11th, 2008, 04:54 PM
Yep, on bullshit they served water from a hose with the label reading "Agua de Culo" and the people actually said something along the lines of it being more refreshing... Yeah... Culo means ASS!!!

hey -Rog- will drinking "evian" make me a douche?
Apr 11th, 2008, 05:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfPAjUvvnIc Here's the penn and teller episode on the same subject if your interested,
Apr 11th, 2008, 08:16 PM
I drink straight from the tap. Hardcore, yo!
Ultimate Buzzkill
Apr 11th, 2008, 08:25 PM
What's funny is that a lot of these "spring" bottled waters loosely define "spring" as "run of the mill municipal" water. One of the big brands around here is Kentwood, and people have actually told me they won't drink it, because that's where Brittney Spears is from, which suggests that there must be something wrong with that water...
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Apr 11th, 2008, 09:42 PM
so true so true, another great piece, but honestly, i drink massed purified water, the place I get it from is ironically also a dry cleaners... but ii really hate the taste of tap.
grants but one wish
Apr 12th, 2008, 02:04 AM
i ususally drink tap water, here in canberra it contains fluride so it's actually good for you're teeth, hmm, theres money in that. "drink platypus brand water, promotes healty teeth!"

"if you want to proclaim "Fuck poor people!" with every sip of water you drink, then this is definitely the product for you!" finally! water i can realate to! (jk)
Vigilante All-Star
Apr 12th, 2008, 03:13 AM
ever see the water from the TapOut company? it's supposed to be hardcore because it's in a flask-shaped glass bottle.
Turrican't. :(
Apr 12th, 2008, 05:05 AM
"pope a cube into my mouth"

Catholic Q-Bert yaoi fanfiction.
Apr 12th, 2008, 05:09 AM
I'll admit it, I drink bottled water, but only when I'm exercising...and even then, it's the stuff we pick up at Sam's Club that's, like, 10 bucks for 30 bottles. Just easier than using a glass when you're hopping around *chuckles* But yes, I've always disliked the notion of bottled water, and wondered how it could "expire." (Thanks for that, executioneer). The Ta-nat bottle does look neat, though. And I also have to say something about the Penta water...

"- Penta helps houseplants grow."

No shit, Dick Tracy! It's f'ing WATER!

What about Joe Water, or Water Joe...something like that. It was supposed to be *caffinated* water. I had friends that made tea with it. So, caffinated water + caffinated tea = buzzbuzzbuzz.
I likes PIE!
Apr 12th, 2008, 12:53 PM
huh left outevian
Forum Virgin
Apr 12th, 2008, 02:39 PM
Where's Evian on your list? It doesn't even taste good!
Forum Virgin
Apr 12th, 2008, 04:04 PM
Evian is too run-of-the-mill for this list. I personally like the taste of Volvic and found a cheap in-house brand water that taste exactly the same. But yeah, when I'm at home I just drink tap water and tea.
Forum Virgin
Apr 12th, 2008, 08:10 PM
Personally, I like Dasani. Oddly enough, our natural tapwater tastes exactly the same. This raises a few questions, mostly about meriting anything over than 25 cents for a drink. Luckily we have an ingenious solution. Fill up used bottles, refrigerate them, viola. I could sell them as "like new!" bottles on eBay.
Forum Virgin
Apr 12th, 2008, 11:09 PM
I'm waiting for the days of "Vintage" bottled water!
Forum Virgin
Apr 13th, 2008, 02:05 AM
flouride is evil.
age 8 1/2
Apr 13th, 2008, 03:22 AM
Call me a snob, but I prefer heavy water.

look it up
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Apr 13th, 2008, 05:27 AM
heavy water, all, the isotopes...
but whenever i travel overseas,
i usually drink "Le Vie" water
Apr 13th, 2008, 07:18 AM
Le Bleu might be one of the funniest things I've seen in my life.
Forum Virgin
Apr 13th, 2008, 08:54 AM
Whoa, some of those bottles are awesome! I'd buy them without the water if it was possible. Also, I need a Fred just so I can go around thirsty girls offering them some "Fred"(it's awesome because I'M Fred).

I'm more of a tap water person, bottled water just has a bad taste or in most cases, it's carbonated.
Forum Virgin
Apr 13th, 2008, 09:24 AM
What i find funny is that Aveta apperently comes from ireland yet isnt in any shop over here that i've been in. Wouldnt it be cheaper to produce for the home market rather then to ship the water over the water to the states? But then again this world is full crazy shit like that. Well that or really its just some guy (named Bob) filling the bottles from the mains laughing like a mainac. Thanking only fools and horses for this excillent idea.

God Damn Bob!
Forum Chaos Lord
Apr 13th, 2008, 11:55 PM
I'm amazed you didn't slam-dunk Deer Park.
Nobody says whee
Apr 14th, 2008, 12:30 AM
Great piece...

i used to date a guy who drank only fiji water. i kind of always thought he was a douchebag and now your article confirmed it. :D
drifting in the void
Apr 14th, 2008, 06:46 AM
Strange Bottles you have over there...I love water, since it is the best liquid there is, but I dont give too much though about if its from some lake in france or from our own springs...its just water and water is good.
Forum Virgin
Apr 14th, 2008, 05:09 PM
I live in Michigan, my water comes piped in from Lake Erie. At home I drink from the tap. I drink bottled water at work because the building is old and the pipes leave black flecks in the water. We buy the bottled water in bulk and store brand from Sam's club.

And yes I was wondering about the "Taint" water too.
Forum Virgin
Apr 14th, 2008, 07:36 PM
You guys forgot Evian -- which is literally "naive" spelled backwards.
Who? Me?
Apr 15th, 2008, 07:52 AM
My sister drinks tthat Fiji Water. Unfortunately, she always gets nearly killed by the bettas she puts in it :-)
Can't touch this
Apr 16th, 2008, 11:40 PM
Deer Park should be called Deer Piss. That's what it is, ya'know. Deer Piss.
Apr 18th, 2008, 09:35 AM
Woah, I'm drinking good ol' tap water, and it doesn't have a commmenor name like Fred, pfft.
Great article though XD
Forum Virgin
Apr 22nd, 2008, 07:45 PM
Proud to say I drink whatever's cheepest. (Our tap water isn't what I'd call good.)

But I think I shall start naming my water. Like this bottle I'm drinking here, this is now Larry. mmm... Larry, you're refreshing!
I must preserve my P.B.F.
May 28th, 2008, 08:06 PM
I put liquor in Fred and started driving, I got pulled over and exclaimed, "It's just water" Cool thing is, I got away with it.
Sep 25th, 2008, 01:06 PM
I'm gonna start my own water company. It'll be called "just plain old tap" It's for all those people who like the convenience of water in a bottle but aren't stupid enough to act like their getting anything else anyway.
Sep 25th, 2008, 01:10 PM
Sep 26th, 2008, 08:55 AM
Damm "wobzire", there goes my million dollar idea
Resident psychopath
Dec 10th, 2008, 06:27 PM
Don't make fun of fred
Resident psychopath
Dec 10th, 2008, 06:27 PM
I mean it, hes my bestest friend |
Wandering knight
May 14th, 2009, 11:24 PM
If I know someone who only drinks these f'king expensive bottled waters, I'm never going to speak with that person again...
Forum Virgin
Jun 27th, 2009, 09:36 PM
i wont lie, fiji water does taste really good (if you think water has no taste, i beg to differ, taste arizona water). but really, what's the point of forking so much money. just buy yourself a good water filter system. youre already paying a water bill, make ir work for you.
Presidential Procurer
Jul 13th, 2009, 07:00 PM
There was this great Conan O'Brian where we discovered that all bottled waters are actually filled by a single fat man sitting in the back of the studio while laughing maniacally and stuffing his face with potato chips.
Sep 23rd, 2010, 03:13 PM
Bling water was invented by brilliant ass-holes.

Click here to return to the Editorials homepage