Bottled Waters Guaranteed To Aid You In Your Quest To Become A Douchebag
by: -RoG-

If you're like me, and whether you want to admit it or not... you are, you enjoy a refreshing gulp of icy cold water on just about any given day. But long gone are the days when we would dash toward the water fountain after yet another gym class which confirmed that we had little to no hand-eye coordination whatsoever. Nowadays, those of us looking to halt our hankerings for H2O not only avoid tap water sources, we usually pay good money to drink it straight from the bottle. And don't try to pretend you're above the whole bottled water thing, telling me you've never had it before, because you have had it and you know it. Whether it's been on a lunch break, at a movie theater, or at one of those lengthy outdoor concert events where you paid 7 bux for a bottle of the stuff so you wouldn't die of dehydration (unless it was Woodstock in 1994, in which case I think most people at that concert consumed mud for sustenance instead of water), you've had it before and you'll have it again. And why not? If there's one thing mankind needs to do it's stuff our landfills with as much plastic as possible at an accelerated pace.

Of course, there's no real guarantee that your healthy bottled water came from a natural hidden spring that has never come into contact with badger urine. For all you know, that $3.00 bottle of water you're chugging down is nothing more than the backwash of a cancerous leprotic named Bucky. But who cares? If the phthalates leaking from that plastic water bottle are good enough for my internal organs, than they're good enough for everybody, right? Wrong.

Apparently, some people aren't satisfied with their generic Brand-X bottle of water. No, no, no. Much like connoisseurs of fine wine, there are people with a palette for only the most exquisite waters that this world has to offer. They demand MORE out of their water. They're not satisfied with water that came from a remote spring, that's simply not difficult enough. It has to be for more outrageous than that, like, oh I don't know... say a company that specializes in bottling the tears of baby koalas as they watch their parents get brutalized with a meat hammer. Truly a water made only for the discriminating members of high society.

There's a word for people who will only drink waters of this nature: douchebags. Today, I would like to share with you a sampling of some of the waters that these douchebags enjoy on a regular basis:

Aveta: Celtic Goddess Of Healing Water

I don't know how they did it, but the Irish have captured the Gallo-Roman deity, Aveta and forced her to purify their water for profit. Only problem is, she's been around for hundreds of years and isn't quite the "goddess" that she once was. In all honesty, Judy Tenuta is far more of a goddess than Aveta is these days, but that doesn't mean I'd want to drink her water either.

Voss Water

"Say kids! Who wants some artesian water from Norway? I DO! I DO! I DO!" I'm pretty sure the creators of Voss were inspired by the plutonium containers that Doc Brown used to power his time machine with in Back To The Future. Sadly, you can't have a time machine that will take you back to a period when you didn't waste your money on such frivolous bullshit. Voss water is "taken from a virgin aquifer shielded for centuries under ice and rock in the untouched wilderness of central Norway". Don't worry, once Norway's own black metal band Gorgoroth catches word about it, that aquifer won't be a virgin for much longer.

OGO Water

Awwww, don't you just wanna give it a big hug? It's such a cute little bottle of water. OGO comes from The Netherlands and is said to have a higher oxygen concentration than normal water. You've heard of an "oxygen high" right? Well here it is in a convenient bottle for you. Unfortunately, there is one side-effect to drinking OGO. People who ingest OGO too quickly, get an oxygen high that often makes them stick a wick into the empty bottle during their trancelike state of mind. They then take this bottle to a nearby bank and raise it above their heads shouting, "I've got a bomb! Give me all your money or I'm gonna blow this joint to pieces!" Naturally, bank security recognizes this as an empty water bottle and not a bomb, and they quickly pummel the would-be thieves.

Veen Water

Wait a minute, that can't be water. It must be vodka. Sorry... my mistake.

Fiji Water

It's not the most expensive water out there, but I'm pretty sure people only buy this stuff because of how colorful the bottle design is. Nobody cares that this water is purified by the volcanic sulfur tiki gods, all they care about is that it comes in a bottle with imagery of pretty flowers and a waterfall. When lugging that 50-gallon designer aquarium around town proves to be too cumbersome, you can count on Fiji as an excellent substitute. Toss a betta fish in there for some added colorful delights... just don't forget to remove it before you let your thirst get the better of you on a hot summer day. Interestingly enough, for a bottle that shows off the beauty of nature, Fiji is well known for running an operation that is more taxing on the environment than many other water companies. "The production plant runs on diesel fuel, 24 hours a day. The high-grade plastic used to make the bottles is transported from China to Fiji, and then (full of water) to the United States. A 1-liter bottle of FIJI Water contaminates 6.74 liters of water to stretch-blow mold the plastic, burns fossil fuel to transport plastics from China and full bottles to the U.S., and produces 0.25 kg of greenhouse emissions." Be sure to keep that in mind the next time you take a sip of Fiji water as it sweeps your mind away to a dreamlike waterfall.

Le Bleu Water

If you're gonna call your water something like "Le Bleu" as opposed to "Blue", perhaps it would be best to have the water originate in France instead of in North Carolina. The owner's last name, Smith, is hardly French either. I call Le Bullshit.

Ice Rocks Spring Water Ice Cubes

Ok, I realize that these aren't technically bottled, but it still comes in a "ready to freeze" liquid format, and I find it to be just as equally pointless as those upper echelon bottled waters. Each precious cube is hermetically sealed in an individual disposable container. A while back I sent them a pitch for a brilliant new ad campaign in which I would pop up on the TV screen, pop a cube into my mouth and proclaim, "THESE AIN'T YO MOMMA'S ICE CUBES!" Sadly, I've yet to hear back from the company.

Penta Water

It may not look fancy, but the Penta water company claims that their water contains water clusters of fewer molecules than normal water. Look, if I'm paying a lot of money for water, I don't want less molecules, I want more. That's just so typical isn't it? Companies trying to give consumers less product while simultaneously charging more for it. The fact is, you'd have to be running short of a few molecules in your noggin if you buy into this stuff. Just check out a few of the companies claims:

- Penta is easier to drink than normal water.
- Penta aids in weight loss.
- Penta has helped clear up skin problems.
- Penta helps houseplants grow.
- Penta enhances absorption of moisturizer cream onto skin.

Did I mention that Penta cures cancer and solves world hunger? Penta water is no longer sold in the UK because most claims about the benefits of drinking their water have been proven to be misleading. In response to Guardian UK journalist Ben Goldmember, a critic of their product, one Penta employee sent him the following message: "Goldmember I do hope you are a better physician than you are a journalist when we publish you will of course be informed out of the decency/courtesy you didn't show to us! Sleep well tonight and think about how and why you tried to fuck us over and practice keeping one eye open." Now that's the kind of professional company I want to buy my drinking water from!

Fred Water

Lonely? In need of a friend? Well perhaps this water is up your alley. "Fred" is probably the first brand of water to be given a persona. Their slogan says it all: "Fred. He's water." Fred even has his own Myspace page, and I guarantee, he can't wait to read all your comments like, "OMG Fred! YoU LoOk SoooOooo HAWT! See U at tHe Club ToNitE! xoxo <3 Jade". But man, I hope Fred doesn't get into another scuffle with the security guards at the club like last time. He was such a goddamn embarrassment at the Viper Room the other week, I don't know if I'll ever be able to show my face there again. Only reason we even got out alive is because Fred's friend, Joey (a really nice seltzer from Indiana), broke up the fight and then paid off the security team. I tell ya, Fred has a real problem and I think we should maybe, you know, try to hold an intervention for him or something. Wait, we're still talking about bottled water here... aren't we?

TÅ· Nant Water

Now here's a brand of water that sounds like it's a villain straight out of Batman comic book lore like Sin Tzu or Ra's Al Ghul. But how can you think a bottled water to be so villainous when its own container appears to be flowing freely? Ok, actually it looks more like it was just melted, and you know what melts things? Heat rays. And you know who owns heat rays? Villains.

Bling H2O Water

Bottled water and fashion. Clearly, you can't separate one from the other, right? Well one company had the foresight to corner the market for celebrities who not only want to be seen wearing the latest fashions, but also want to be seen holding ultra-pretentious water bottles. I wish I was making this up, but Bling H2O is the most expensive water on the planet, running a whopping $40 for a 750ml bottle. For $40 you should be able to fill an olympic swimming pool. And the water doesn't appear to be anything super special, it's from a Tennessee spring and goes through a purification process just like every other water out there. What separates this stuff from the rest of the pack is that the bottles are actually decorated with Swarovski crystals. It's times like this when one must really question whether or not certain humans should be allowed to live. Yes indeed, if you want to proclaim "Fuck poor people!" with every sip of water you drink, then this is definitely the product for you!

If you happen to be one of the douchebags who drinks any of these waters, don't fret. I'm sure when these bottled water companies make koalas go extinct, they'll turn on humans like me who aren't part of the elite upper class for bottled tears to serve you. Granted, this won't change the fact that you're a pompous douchebag, but hey... at least you'll be a pompous douchebag with a bottle of tears from the common man.