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by: Protoclown

While I was driving home from work the other day, I made the horrible, horrible mistake of looking in my rearview mirror at one point and was almost blinded by the bright NEON headlights reflecting into my eyes from behind. Fuckiní things nearly caused me to run off the road. I thought I was being chased by a UFO. 

Everyone Iíve spoken with about it hates these fucking things, and yet theyíre still out there. SOMEBODY is still making cars with these obnoxious neon lights, and they come in nearly every color of the rainbow. Iíve seen green, yellow, blue, purple, orange, and even colors I donít have a fucking name for. 

I have to ask: whatís the damn point? Can you somehow see better with purple light than normal white light? Is it some feebly attempted form of expression? Sadly, I have to believe itís the latter of the two, as I havenít seen too many purple-tinted flashlights floating around out there. 

Now Iím all for self expression. If you want to be a little creative with your car, thatís great. Thatís what stickers are for. And paint. Put some stickers all over your car, with all the silly stupid little things you love. And maybe some asshole wonít come along and rip off your fucking NIN sticker just because they donít like the band. That was MY sticker!! Mine!!! I donít rip off Dave Matthews stickers when I see them, I simply spit on them! Why did they rip off my fucking sticker!!! WHY?? Ahem. But I digress. Iím getting carried away here. 

You know you've seen 'em before.

Back to self-expression. First off, if the best way you can think of to express yourself is to put a disco ball in your car, fasten a perimeter of spinning strobe lights around the exterior frame, and strap a go-go dancer to the hood, then perhaps you shouldnít be expressing yourself at all. I think youíd be doing us all a favor if you just shut the fuck up. Or better yet, express yourself with a bullet to the head. 

Now maybe these colorful neon lights arenít quite as drastic as what Iíve just described up above, but theyíre still a pretty big fucking hazard on the road. You simply cannot look in the general direction of those things without ending up with a headful of pain. You just have to look away, or else the buzzing in the ears will start. You know, that all too familiar noise that tells you to kill all of your friends and family, and to ram every other car on the road before driving through the side of the bridge in a big exploding fireball of insane rage. That noise. The noise that comforts you at night when youíre lying in bed trying to sleep...the noise that...ahem. But I digress again. 

The point is, when confronted with those nasty brain-numbing lights, you have no choice but to quickly look away and cover your eyes, lest you go blind. When you do this, your vehicle likely flails all over the road, killing all the small children and cute little puppies that were in your path. Do you fuckers have any idea how many small children and puppies your obnoxious lights have killed? ANY idea at all? 

I think in the future when I see one of those "expressive" vehicles, Iím going to follow them to where ever theyíre going and wait until theyíve left the car alone in the parking lot. Then Iím going to "express" myself all over their car with the fucking sledgehammer Iím going to start keeping in the trunk. (And thatís a handy tool to have for all sorts of occasions, kids!) There is only one thing that pleases me about those fucking headlights, and it is this: That if there are aliens out there, and they do visit the earth for whatever stupid reason, then it is my sincerest hope that these cars will act as UFO magnets. I hope that when the aliens spot something moving on the ground that looks like their ship, all colorful with blinking lights and everything, that they will target them for the beam up and subsequent anal probing session. 

Then justice would be served! For being an obnoxious fuckhead, weíre going to reward you: with the ANAL PROBE! That is my utopian hope anyway. You car wonít escape the anal probing either! Youíll soon recognize these repulsive hippy-raver cars from behind as well, due to the trail of blood coming out of the tail pipe! Reality however, offers a different future altogether: one that is rife with day-glo vehicles complete with spinning lights, flashing banners, and small fireworks displays. How long will it be before they start offering transparent vehicles, so you can see the inner workings of your car? Then theyíll offer colored transparent plastic, like those god awful Mac computers. Those aliens had better get here quickly, and theyíd better bring plenty of anal probes with them. 

note: One time after encountering one of these bright-colored UFO cars on the road, Protoclown woke up in the middle of the woods with a severe pain in his ass. 

note #2: Actually, -RoG- was the "UFO" that left Protoclown in the woods butt-naked that night.

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