Why is it that even though I don't really watch TV, listen to the radio or read the newspaper, I still feel as if I'm constantly being bombarded by celebrity bullshit? It seems that this library of useless knowledge concerning the personal lives of everyone's favorite celebrities is always knocking at my door, ready to tell me what toothpaste Tom Cruise's new gay lover likes, and who Carson Daly is dating this week. I shouldn't even know who Carson Daly is. I SHOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO CARSON DALY IS!!!! Why the FUCK am I aware of this man's existence!!??
The fact that this man's name and face take up even the TINIEST portion of the space available in my brain indicates a serious problem. This insanely idiotic obsession that the United States has with its celebrities is a brain-numbing virus that must be contained immediately. It just hovers in the air, eagerly anticipating the moment I venture out into public each day, crouched and waiting to strike. Next thing I know, I'm overhearing two idiots on the street talking about the latest "Britney Aguilera" video.
Now I'm not paying any attention to these conversations, but unfortunately, I don't have to. They insidiously sink into the subconscious, and next thing I know I'm aware of more about these "stars" and their lives than I ever had any interest in knowing. There are a great many people out there who seem to care more about their favorite celebrities' lives than they do their own. For example, about a week ago or so, one of these "Slackstreet Boys" admitted to having an alcohol or depression problem, and a fetish for albino midgets in fishnets (or something like that).
Anyway, this apparently caused quite an uproar and disrupted many teary-eyed young girls' lives, as they were so distraught over the temporary loss of their "heroic" icon. You know what I have to say to these people? GET FUCKING LIVES. Deal with it. You cry more over these people's problems than you do your own friends and family. Why did you people cry when JFK Junior died? Did you fucking KNOW him or something? I sure didn't. Yeah, it always sucks when somebody dies, but I didn't know the guy. What the hell does it really matter to me? There's certainly no "void" in my life created by the loss of these people.
Anyway, I think I've got a solution to this whole "celebrity obsession" problem! Bricks. Lots and lots of bricks. I know, I know...pure genius! But don't thank me just yet! Wait until you've heard the full plan! See, I was in McDonalds with a friend of mine the other night and we noticed that one of the stupid prizes on their Monopoly game was a trip to the American Music Awards. I mentioned what a shitty prize that was, but my friend said he would love to go! I was a bit surprised by this, until he mentioned that he wanted to bring a bag of bricks and wing them at the performer's heads while they're on stage.
It's such a simple plan. And in its simplicity, it is inherently beautiful. For most of the targeted celebrities aren't really worthy of anything requiring more thought or planning anyway. Bricks sailing through the air and smashing celebrities in the face. A beautiful brick ballet! The simple meeting of one flat and boring object with another. Magnificent!
Most of you will no doubt regard this scheme as foolish, stupid, or insane. But I don't care! Brick doesn't CARE what you think! Brick probably doesn't LIKE you anyway! So you go ahead and watch your precious celebrities. Watch them pretend to sing, pretend to dance, pretend to act. Watch also for bricks sailing onto the screen and smacking these idiots in the face, hurled just off-screen from the vicinity of the mysterious man with the big lumpy sack.
Protoclown looks forward to the day where celebrities will SHIT bricks just upon seeing him and his big lumpy sack.
to all perverts:
NO, that "lumpy sack" reference is NOT what you
were thinking. He's talking about a sack of bricks, you sick