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by: Killing Joke

In this turbulent day and age... we've all become more aware to the concept of unknown forces taking over America. The newspapers constant ramble on and on about idea of a foreign terrorist power taking our wonderful country. But little do you know that we've already been taken control of! No, not Bin Laden, Saddam, or even Walt Disney; these folks are small potatoes compared to this evil force, which have crept in and tightly woven itself into the very fabric of our fine country. You shouldn't be worrying about being contaminated about anthrax, but of the subversive evils of CHEESE!

Sure, you are thinking to yourself, "Cheese can't be a problem, right? It's just so damn tasty!? Its gooey milky taste satiates every single meal that I have ever sat down with! How could something so innocent and wonderful like cheese be hurting me?"


Well... you see that's how they first suck you into their evil program, is by the delicious taste. First, it's just a little bit of food, but soon your are fully engorged with it. it's so tasty that you don't realize how it's controlling your life. We are no longer living in a democratic society, we have now moved into a fully functional cheeseocracy. In this evil cheeseocracy our freedom of choice has almost completely been eliminated, because cheese is now everywhere, no matter where you go or what you order; you are going to find this yellowish monstrosity on at least one thing you get. Even foods that have cheese on it already are upping the "cheese-factor" up another level. Like Kraft Macaroni and cheese with disgustipated themselves by creating "new bold CHEESY flavors" along with designs of popular cartoon characters on it (which is nothing but an evil ploy to brainwash the young while they are at the most cheese-impressionable). Something that's even worse, with Doritos... they couldn't just simply poison you with their normal cheese flavors. No... they have to get more manipulative in their cheesedom and create "THREE CHEESE Doritos" Now! Why god!? Why?! 


I'll admit... I used to be a full-fledged card-carrying (albeit, blind) supporter of the cheeseocracy. I would have cheese on everything, it was my opiate, and I couldn't live without it! But for some reason, as if done by divine right, my stomach began not to tolerate cheese anymore. At first, just a little bit... but it became more noticeable that I became extremely ill every single time I consumed this demon-concoction. (and no...I have never been lactose intolerant... so you can nullify that hypothesis right now). But once I stopped eating cheese, I realized how much my life was better. I think I was picked by the gods on Olympus to be their champion against this powerful foe. But it came at a price, because I have broken free of the mind controlling powers of cheese has made me a marked man by many of these cheese societies. 

First it's next to impossible to order any food anymore, because every damn food has that noxious bacterial residue on it! Go to Chili's and just count how many damn things that you can find that have cheese on it?! What makes it even worse is that any time I ask for "no cheese" I end up getting hassled by the waiter for my obvious correct choice. Or what makes it worse, they'll try to fight back and those bastards will just put cheese on it anyway to suck me into their world again. Sneaky isn't it? But I'll fight back and send that mofo back, refusing to be part of their world. 


America isn't the only problem these days, I remember when I was in England two years ago, I went to a simple McDonald's with my friends, and I asked for a quarter pounder with NO CHEESE. Well, first the horrified cashier looked at me with the utmost disgust and contempt before finally taking my money. But it only took them twenty minutes to get me my sandwich, while I was just standing there. It wasn't because it was a slow restaurant, because people were passing me on every line. I'm thinking they were calling their cheese societies to notify them that their #1 nemesis has appeared in their neck of the wood. Or maybe they were trying to wait me out, hoping that I would leave. Either way, victory was mine! 

"Yar! Have some cheese or walk da plank!"

The cheeseocracy isn't even subversive anymore, people are just simply blind to its massive underground power. I have uncovered countless books, web sites, periodicals, and commercials, all lauding the wonderfulness of cheese. The most disturbing declaration of their growing power is the current "behold the power of CHEESE" commercial campaign that is being piped into our households. The pro-cheese commercials are revisionist history at best, really, example why would all those pirates be waiting to be eating cheese? Shouldn't they be drinking grog and singing pirate songs like "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum?" Not waiting for their dorky captain to show up with a cheese cutter. Even more so, it's not proven if the cheese cutter was even created during those years. Down with cheese revisionism! I know these commercials work, because the desire to eat cheese has gotten stronger with people, even a friend at my work once said, "hell, I'd eat a rock if it had cheese on it." My god people! Don't you see!? It's poisoning all of us! 


Being a marked man, I'll find death threats on my doorstep smeared with pepper jack, they'll smash my windows with large blocks of cheddar, and recently my gas tank in my car was filled up with hot nacho cheese. Sure, it's a dangerous job, but someone has to tell the truth. Through my research, I've found it's the American Dairy Society or possibly one of the zealot break-off groups like the American Cheese Society that are trying to wipe me out. So please, heed my warnings, listen to my advice, and just say "NO" to cheeseocracy!

note: Killing Joke hasn't been heard from since he wrote this article. He was last seen being pulled into a van by a bunch of men in orange suits. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Killing Joke, please let us know.

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