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THE CHICKEN THEORY
by: Marysia Szwjkowski

I am a chicken hater. I can't help it, I just am. I shudder when I see them, I loose my appetite when I think of them. They are as unattractive, unintelligent, and uncivilized as any living creature could possibly be. I have tried to understand this creature called 'chicken' by observing them in their natural environments. It didn't help...instead I composed a theory on chickens. Chickens could some day attempt to overthrow humanity, reaping havoc upon the earth and bringing civilization to a tragic collapse. The chickens may even try to possess us as human slaves, crawling on all fours through a mess of chicken droppings, molted feathers, and regurgitated feed. At times my logic fails me where chickens are concerned, but trust me folks, I'm on to something here.

Chickens. Awkward, bedraggled, and jerky. When it comes to being legitimately considered a bird they just barely make the cut. Our good friend Mr. Dictionary tells us that a 'bird' is any warm blooded, egg-laying, feathered animal. There's no argument that chickens have feathers and lay eggs... but how can they possibly be labeled as warm-blooded? Have the writers of these definitions ever watched chickens interact? No my friends, chickens are cold-blooded and emotionless.

Indeed, cannibalistic in nature, these beady-eyed bullies have a hateful and vicious attitude to life. Perhaps they feel that by lunging and diving at one another so spitefully they will somehow punish the gods for creating them a chicken. Maybe violence is their way of coping, or maybe they are oblivious to the fact that this behavior is no way to make friends.

The ritual "Nipping-of-the-New-Guy" ceremony is a survival mechanism used by the chickens to break the spirit and will of any new arrivals to the chicken community. By repeatedly attacking the young new-comers, the older and stronger chickens ban together, thus establishing their leadership. This boosts the self-esteem of the Head Hens and makes them feel better (temporarily) about being so very stupid, ugly and useless. Unfortunately, these habits gradually desensitize them, and the chickens become jaded and emotionally stumped.

You might argue that it's just natural behavior for a creature with a brain smaller than a walnut. What else can you expect from an animal whose only use is excreting high-protein breakfast goods, which also make decorative Faberge ornaments. (Eggs also provide a lovely alternative to T.P. during delinquencies and hooligan expeditions). Back to the chickens. many believe they are just simple-minded and have no ulterior motives behind such actions. Well, I'll give you that... they are stupid. Ridiculously stupid, and yet, perversely shrew when it comes to perplexing the human mind.

After all, one simple-minded chicken was observed by two farmers crossing a road for absolutely no reason. "Hey, why'd that chicken cross the road?", asked one to the other. Coming upon no conclusion, they parted and went home to ask the fam. His children, now curious as well, take the question to school and his wife brings to query to work the next day. Soon enough the entire human race is asking, "Why DID the chicken cross the road?". It became theological "if a tree falls..." type-question, echoing throughout centuries but remaining unanswered.

Mr. Chicken will never tell you why he crossed the road.
"You'll never know the answer! Muahahahah!" -Chicken

Knowing they were the ones holding the answer to the ultimate question, their bodies experienced a rise in endorphin production. The egos of the chickens became grossly inflated. Being a chicken was no longer considered a curse among the species. With this new found psychological freedom, the chickens also found amusement. There was blatant mockery of human beings and their fixation of chicken activities. It became humorous - even sportesque, to tease humans even in death by running around in a headless state. As expected, we humans played into their claws; we were horrified and amused, and once again, curiously troubled.

Of course just because the chickens found a new pastime - pitting themselves against human dignity - does not mean they stopped the rituals of the old days. They still devour each other with hate-filled vengeance. Still froth with bitterness at their mediocre calling and degrading liveliness. That is why I wrote this, as a warning. When the fittest of the species have naturally risen up and trampled the lesser farm birds, when they have fought and toiled their way to become 300 lb., fire-breathing and scaly, they WILL come after us. 

US: that includes YOU.

Never trust a chicken. Never make direct eye contact. Never turn your back in an area with a high chicken population. Always travel with a buddy, and carry an axe. Tell someone where you are going and when you'll be back. But remember: if a chicken traps you, corners you, pounces on you.....fight. Fight to the bitter end, fight to the death. With your last breath, spit at that stupid cannibalistic chicken. They can take our lives, but they can't take our freedom!


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