I am a chicken hater. I can't help it, I just am. I
shudder when I see them, I loose my appetite when I think of them. They are as unattractive,
unintelligent, and uncivilized as any living creature could possibly
be. I have tried to understand this creature called 'chicken' by observing them in
their natural environments. It didn't help...instead I composed a
theory on chickens. Chickens could some day attempt to overthrow humanity, reaping
havoc upon the earth and bringing civilization to a tragic collapse. The
chickens may even try to possess us as human slaves, crawling on
all fours through a mess of chicken droppings, molted feathers, and regurgitated feed.
At times my logic fails me where chickens are concerned, but trust me folks,
I'm on to something here.
Chickens. Awkward, bedraggled, and jerky. When it comes
to being legitimately considered a bird they just barely make the cut. Our good
friend Mr. Dictionary tells us that a 'bird' is any warm blooded,
egg-laying, feathered animal. There's no argument that chickens have
feathers and lay eggs... but how can they possibly be labeled as
warm-blooded? Have the writers of these definitions ever watched chickens
interact? No my friends, chickens are cold-blooded and emotionless.
Indeed, cannibalistic in nature, these beady-eyed
bullies have a hateful and vicious attitude to life. Perhaps they feel that by lunging and diving
at one another so spitefully they will somehow punish the gods for creating
them a chicken. Maybe violence is their way of coping, or maybe they are
oblivious to the fact that this behavior is no way to make friends.
The ritual "Nipping-of-the-New-Guy" ceremony is a
survival mechanism used by the chickens to break the spirit and will of any new arrivals to the
chicken community. By repeatedly attacking the young new-comers,
the older and stronger chickens ban together, thus establishing their leadership. This
boosts the self-esteem of the Head Hens and makes them feel better
(temporarily) about being so very stupid, ugly and useless. Unfortunately,
these habits gradually desensitize them, and the chickens become jaded and
You might argue that it's just natural behavior for a
creature with a brain smaller than a walnut. What else can you expect from an animal whose only
use is excreting high-protein breakfast goods, which also make decorative
Faberge ornaments. (Eggs also provide a lovely alternative to T.P. during
delinquencies and hooligan expeditions). Back to the chickens. many
believe they are just simple-minded and have no ulterior motives behind such
actions. Well, I'll give you that... they are stupid. Ridiculously stupid,
and yet, perversely shrew when it comes to perplexing the human mind.
After all, one simple-minded chicken was observed by two
farmers crossing a road for absolutely no reason. "Hey, why'd that chicken cross the
road?", asked one to the other. Coming upon no conclusion, they parted and went home to ask the fam. His children,
now curious as well, take the question to school and his wife brings to
query to work the next day. Soon enough the entire human race is asking,
"Why DID the chicken cross the road?". It became theological "if a tree
falls..." type-question, echoing throughout centuries but remaining
never know the answer! Muahahahah!" -Chicken
Knowing they were the ones holding the answer to the
ultimate question, their bodies experienced a rise in endorphin production. The egos of the
chickens became grossly inflated. Being a chicken was no longer
considered a curse among the species. With this new found psychological freedom, the
chickens also found amusement. There was blatant mockery of human beings and
their fixation of chicken activities. It became humorous - even
sportesque, to tease humans even in death by running around in a headless state. As
expected, we humans played into their claws; we were horrified and
amused, and once again, curiously troubled.
Of course just because the chickens found a new pastime
- pitting themselves against human dignity - does not mean they stopped the rituals of the old
days. They still devour each other with hate-filled vengeance. Still froth
with bitterness at their mediocre calling and degrading liveliness. That is
why I wrote this, as a warning. When the fittest of the species have
naturally risen up and trampled the lesser farm birds, when they
have fought and toiled their way to become 300 lb., fire-breathing and scaly, they WILL
come after us.
that includes YOU.
Never trust a chicken. Never make direct eye contact.
Never turn your back in an area with a high chicken population. Always travel with a buddy, and
carry an axe. Tell someone where you are going and when you'll be
back. But remember: if a chicken traps you, corners you, pounces on you.....fight.
Fight to the bitter end, fight to the death. With your last breath, spit at
that stupid cannibalistic chicken. They can take our lives, but they
can't take our freedom!